Gluttonous Getaway

“Fine, you can be a candy cane when you grow up.”, “No, you cannot nap with the box of Lucky Charms.”, “Hey, stop trying to bite Kaia, it’s her turn to be the T-rex.” Those are all conversations that I am currently NOT having because Coy and I are on our weekend getaway! Last night we went to Oklahoma City and tonight we are in Stillwater at OSU. Par-tay! Ok, well not so much. We are back in our hotel, in bed, and it’s only 9:30pm.We are officially old.

It’s a good thing I weighed myself before we left because I have done some serious calorific damage. Last night we went out for Sushi which naturally, included Sake and Japanese beer. Then while strolling around Bricktown, we came across a dueling piano bar. Hi fun! Since they weren’t starting until 9:00, we went to play some pool, aka “drink more beer.” Piano bar…more beer. Then, since we’d drank so much, we decided we’d better eat a coney dog with Fritos before going to bed, to absorb the alcohol. Duh. Can you see where this is going?

It didn’t stop there. This morning we needed something to fend off our impending hangovers. So, we plopped ourselves down at the closest Mexican restaurant and gorged on chips, cheese dip, flour tortillas. I could go on and on. Coy even put butter and cheese dip in his tortilla. Holy yum. Then, if that wasn’t enough, we drove to Stillwater, ate a HUGE pizza and drank a couple more beers. Like I’ve said before, I have issues.

With all that being said, this story of gluttony indeed has a happy ending. It is that I’m laying in bed, full, and happy. No butts to wipe, no Paleo dinners to cook, no dishes, laundry, or WWF battles to intercept. No one needs me for anything. Totally all worth it. Totally.

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Crossfit

A few people have asked what Crossfit is so I found a short video clip that might show what can happen to someone who does Crossfit in just 6 months.

Crossfit

Also, check out the comments from my previous blog, Today’s Revelation. Nick posted some great videos that explain Crossfit, too.

Today’s Revelation

Today a friend of mine casually mentioned to me that when she did Crossfit for three months on Saturdays ONLY, her butt became so lifted that not only could she bounce a quarter off it, but her cellulite had vanished. I have been going for SEVEN months. Averaging 3X’s a week.  Did you hear me? SEVEN! And look at me!! Do you know what this means, people? Well, I’ll tell you what it means.

It means that underneath all this disgusting fat, I look like freakin’ Heidi Klum!!! Maybe even better! How exciting! Who knew? Best day ever.

Oh, and I ran twice around the neighborhood and drank my kale, coconut oil concoction. Ha! I bet Heidi didn’t do that today.

 

“Put the lime in the coconut and drink it all up!”

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Coconut oil. The truth shall set you free. I’m gonna swim in it, drink it, bathe with it and maybe even marry it. I’m sure Coy will totally be fine with it. Because who doesn’t want a hot wife?  It is after all, like the fountain of youth in a bottle (or in my case, an ugly plastic jar with white, solidified oil). Imagine all the money we’ll save on my plans for Botox, a future facelift and skin care products? Is something that has 15 grams of saturated fat per serving, really going make my cholesterol go down and my energy go up? Is it really going to give me Rapunzel locks and make a quarter bounce off my ass? Check it out and let me know what you think.

My friend Suzy, you know the hot mom of four I told you about, makes her Shakeology shake every morning with Flax seeds, Kale and Coconut oil added to it. Plus other gross stuff I can’t remember. So I figured if I want to look like Suzy (who, by the way, ruined me and my “I look this way cuz I’ve had 4 kids,” excuse), I’d better eat the same gross stuff she does. Before I can buy Shakeology, I need to see if I can do this whole shake thing, so here’s what’s been “shakin'” on my end. Suzy and my Crossfit instructors are all going to do a mental head slap with this one. Doh!

After Crossfit this morning, I stopped by Walmart and bought some Special K pre-mixed protein shakes. Same stuff as Slim Fast. It has 28 grams of carbs and 18 grams of sugar. Paleo and Suzy, no-no’s. But the thought of dragging my kids into a GNC with all those pill bottles to touch and carefully stacked pyramids of protein powders to climb on, was just too much to handle after yesterday. Anyway, I poured one in my Ninja, threw in a handful of kale (gag), a scoop of Flax seed, and finally a big ol’ scoop of solidified coconut oil. Then a half a banana, some ice and some Baileys. Don’t judge, it was just sitting there again and I made this for dinner, not breakfast, so it was like squeezing in dessert at the same time. I’m quite efficient like that.

It was pretty good and I feel healthier already. Plus the Baileys had the added effect of relaxation, which in turn reduces stress, which then causes your body to produce less Cortisol, which then will make your waistline smaller. See the genius in all of this?  I’ll probably be getting a call from the Shakeology people thanking me for this great weight loss tip. I think their next shake flavor should be Key Lime Coconut Oil Pie. I’m thinking Malibu Coconut Rum……Yup, I’m sure they will be calling me any day now. Most likely with a job offer in their marketing department or better yet, as a taste tester. “Put the lime in the coconut and drink it all up!”  Go ahead, click on those blue words. I dare you.

“Can I see your license and registration, ma’am?”

Ugh. I’m a “ma’am.” Being old sucks. Right away I knew, my days of flirting my way out of a ticket were over.
Today I  had my three littlest ones with me and instead of playing our usual Tuesday game of  “destroy the house and bite your siblings,” we decided to take a trip up to the next town over. It’s about 45 minutes away, but has a Target. I would travel far and wide for a Target. In any case, we drove there just so I could buy a $6 ceramic bunny and to have an excuse to eat lunch at Red Robin. Why would I want to take three pre-schoolers to Red Robin by myself, you ask? Because I like to do stupid shit like that every now and then just to see if I can do it. It’s like being on my own private episode of Survivor. Minus the bikinis, shirtless men and torches.
I won’t go into the excruciating details of shopping and dining with toddlers, but I will say, if I was on Survivor, then I’d found an immunity idol. And I used it. On the way home I was carefully driving at a safe and appropriate speed as I always do, when out of the blue I got pulled over. Turns out I was going 45 in a 35. Blah, blah, blah. The officer asked to see my registration, which was in my glove compartment, and changed his mind when he saw the huge, red, two-person wagon crammed into the front seat with diapers, sippy cups, and a sea of Goldfish spilling out of it. “I’ll just check it on my computer,” he said.
Just as he was about to go “check it,” I asked him if I could roll down the back windows. “The kids are sort of, really super, excited to see you.” He was more than happy to oblige. The minute I rolled down the window, the kids all screamed at the tops of their lungs, “HI POLICEMAN!” and a huge gust of wind sucked three Red Robin balloons out the window and right into the officer’s face! They were attached to my kids’ wrists’ so they kept slapping him in the face over and over! I can’t believe he didn’t whip out his gun. He was under attack! I can only imagine what the people driving by were thinking, watching this guy trying to stuff balloons back in the window while my kids are all screaming at the same time. “MY BALLOON! HI POLICEMAN! MY BALLOON! HI POLICEMAN!”
The officer just looked at me, handed me back my license and said, “The speed limit is 50 once you reach the hill. Drive carefully.” I bet he was thinking if that was his car load, he’d be speeding home too! My immunity idol is, well, my kids. Thanks guys, you made your mommy proud!

Is this Paleo?

See that picture? What is wrong with me? We made a perfectly delicious Paleo meal last night (fish wrapped in leaves, remember?) that almost everyone enjoyed and tonight, this is the crap I fixed. Even the “meat” came in the box. I seriously have issues. Did I mention that I made a smoothie with Kale in it for breakfast? Totally disgusting, but I drank it, so I think they cancel each other out. Phew. Score for Kale. Maybe I’ll have some again tomorrow morning, just in case.
Oh and I went running this morning. I’m still in shock over that one.

The Barf Bowl

My 6 yr. old Noah has decided that he wants to be a chef. He said he wants to open up a pizza place that only serves pizza with healthy toppings. “Is cheese healthy mom?” “Not really.” I say. “Ok, than pizza with no cheese and healthy toppings!” he declares with this finger pointing up to the sky. Do I let him follow his dream or just crush it now? Really? Healthy pizza with no cheese? What is he eating Paleo or something? Well, as a matter of fact, he is! Tonight he cooked (with my supervision) Tilapia Wrapped in Collard Greens, with a side of Whipped Sweet Potatoes and another side of Southern-Style Greens. The boy said the greens smelled good (Gag! I was about to barf in the bowl!….more on that later) and that the sweet potatoes were “the best EVER!” Did I mention that this kid doesn’t eat chocolate, drinks only almond milk or water and hates peanut butter? When he was born he must have taken with him every single healthy gene that was ever at one point in my body. All I could think about was how gross to eat fish wrapped in leaves.

The dinner was from the book Everyday Paleo. It was good and all my kids ate it. Well, except Kaia who’s 4, she said it made her want to barf (now that’s MY kid for sure). Ok, speaking of barf, here is what happened last week. Noah was helping me make pancakes for breakfast. He kept saying “this bowl smells like barf.” I thought he was just being an annoying 6 yr. old boy who likes to say gross shit to gross out and annoy his mother, so I ignored him. “Yes, yes, I heard you, smells like barf.” Well, after we’d all stuffed ourselves with pancakes (I had 4 the size of my head), I skipped into the kitchen to do my favorite domestic chore of all time. Dishes! As I’m scrubbing away, I kept thinking, “What the hell is that smell?” Then I saw the bowl…the pancake bowl. I slowly lifted it up to my nose and let’s just say, “Oops! musta missed a spot!” Hey, it’s our best barf bowl. It’s made out of melamine which has less splatter effect for projectile vomiting.

This morning I made it to Crossfit where the instructor (trainer?coach?satan?) told me he thought my post about the Snatch was funny and he thinks I’ll have another funny post once we do the “Clean and Jerk.” I have no idea what he is talking about. Clearly, I’m a very dedicated athlete who takes my training quite seriously. Everyone can see that. Now where did Coy hide the Cheetos cuz this girl is STARVING! Stupid fish wrapped in leaves.

Beer and Bread and Suzy!

Beer and bread. Two words that should not be mentioned when dieting OR consumed for that matter. SInce it was Sunday and I didn’t actually gain weight over my spring break binge, I decided I would have a beer, and of course, start fresh on Monday. Then I changed my mind and wanted some bread. Then suddenly, “light bulb!” I had an idea. Beer bread. Now I can’t file this one away into my category of Food that sticks to your ribs and not your ass but I can post it here on my daily confessional page! It was amazing. Simply amazing. Click on the picture for the recipe and link. mmmmm

Honey Beer Bread. Made this twice last week and it lasted a day. It was THAT good.

Now for the Suzy part. 🙂

I’m in the process of convincing my husband that I need to buy Shakeology from my friend Suzy. It is a meal replacement shake the does everything. The reviews are astounding, but better than reviews, just take a look at my friend Suzy. She’s had 4 kids like me and is NOT walking around with a rubberband holding her gut in. She looks amazing! Let me see if I can find a picture of her to post. Hang on. Oh, here we go.

Suzy Before and After

Check out her website here to see how fit and beautiful she is. She’s lost 25 lbs since starting and went from an 8 to a 0. Wait, don’t click it though. Turns out WordPress will not allow me to post her link since they think I’m selling something so if you’re interested,  paste this link onto your browser:

http://www.teambeachbody.com/fitsuzy

If you read anything or know anything about Shakeology, please let me know. Now, it’s pretty $$$ so I’m thinking of what I can cut out to fit that in. I figure since I throw out half of all the fresh veggies I buy, I can save money by mixing them into my shakes like Suzy does. Mmm… a chocolate-kale shake sounds good, right? Scary, but I think it sort of does.

Ok, I have 2 minutes until my 10pm bedtime, which I won’t make since I must SKYPE with my friend who just popped on. Grrr. Tomorrow I’ll share with you the story of the barf bowl. If you’ve ever wanted to eat dinner at my house, you won’t want to after this one!

Happy Monday  everyone, here’s to eating well, saying no to refined crap and getting out to enjoy this beautiful weather.