Use it AND Lose it… Ass be Gone!

Often times I see great plans for rebooting your system, cleaning out toxins, losing weight and feeling good. Great plans, but way too complicated for my lazy bones to stick with. I personally hate cooking (ok, hate the shopping, preparing, cleaning and the thinking involved). Also, it’s really hard to find the right ingredients here in China (Hmm, this is green…must be kale??). Plus I’m too damn lazy. Plus I could care less about baked salmon soufflé with a low carb, pine nut-lemon zest cream sauce. That’s what restaurants are for. AND if I was willing to put forth the effort to make that shit in the first place, I’d never have gotten fat to begin with. I like easy, grab and go, filling and energizing. I don’t really care if it even tastes that good. I save those yummy treats for meals with my friends. My plan helps with weight loss, but most importantly, it controls blood sugar levels (found out I’m pre-diabetic, but that’s another post), it reboots your body and makes you look and feel amazing.

Well, here you go my friends. Here’s the plan. I’m starting again tomorrow with round two of weight loss mode. My goal is 120lbs by summer…that means I have 7 lbs to go. That’s nothing! At least from where I started. I’ve actually maintained my weight from my last post so trust me, it works! Don’t be left behind with a Big Mac in your hand wearing a swim skort this summer! (Or the only guy with a shirt ON.) Are you in? Let’s do this together!

My goals: to lose 7 lbs by 4th of July. To tone up the backside. To drink more water and get more sleep.

What you need: A good juicer,  one tub of chocolate or vanilla 100% whey protein and one of soy protein powder GNC, optional shaker bottle for quick mixing of powder, optional bag of Chia seeds (China friends, it’s at Oliver’s in HK), optional coconut oil, optional Barlean’s Superfruit Greens Powder (also at Oliver’s). I also take vitamin D, a vitamin B blend, iron, and magnesium.

Fruits and Veggies: Lemon, ginger root, celery, cucumber, green bell peppers, whatever dark green leafy stuff that looks good to you,

What to do: Exercise early in the morning before work or before the school drop off. Just suck it up and get it out-of-the-way. Do whatever you like. I power walk on my treadmill at 5am while watching some sort of non-animated show. It’s easy to get used to because you’ll feel awesome all day.

Drink a huge glass of water with lemon, or without if you’re too lazy to squeeze a lemon  like I am. I stand frozen at the water cooler and chug it down. Done. Hate drinking water, but I don’t move until the glass is empty. It’s like some sort of psycho mind game.

Before showering or anything, make your juice. One lemon, one lipstick sized chunk of ginger, one large cucumber and about six celery stalks. That is the daily base. Then add  one optional green pepper for zip and the rest is just whatever green things you have on hand. Keep stuffing it in the juicer until you have about enough to fill two tall glasses or the whole juicing pitcher. About the size of two Starbucks Grande cups. No measuring required. Just jam it all in. Then clean your juicer.

For those of you who just can’t stand the lack of sweetness, this is where the Barlean’s Superfruit Greens powder comes in handy. It’s really sweet, but has no real sugar. I don’t use it because I like the unsweetened juice now, but in the beginning, it was hard to swallow. Don’t be tempted to add fruit! All those fruity “green” drinks taste great, but fruit juice is loaded with sugar and that is not good if you want thigh gap. Ok, who am I kidding, I just don’t want thigh chafe. If you really want fruit, then eat it. At least you’ll get some fiber. Stay away from mangos and bananas. Try to stick with apples and berries.

More on fiber later….

My original plan that totally works: Drink your delicious juice (aka “Glass of Ass”) all morning long. You’ll be surprised how energetic you feel! No coffee needed! You’ll also be surprised how full you feel. Your body is getting all the nutrients it needs so it tells the brain to not send out hungry signals. Totally not kidding. Plus without the fiber, it’s like a straight shot of nutrients to the system. Your body does not have to work as hard to process the juice and it gives your organs a break. If you’re dying  to eat something, I’d grab a handful of nuts or a boiled egg, but it’ll slow down your results and the detoxification process.

Sometime around 1-2:00, make yourself a shake. I put two scoops into my GNC hand shaker bottle, add really cold water, then shake it up and chug it down. I alternate whey and soy, just in case my body likes one more than the other. You’ll be stuffed until dinner, in which case you’ll make better choices.

For dinner, eat whatever your family is having minus all rice, wheat, packaged foods, dairy,  dressings, sauces… ok, basically watch them eat and make yourself a salad with some sort of protein involved. It sucks, but so does having a fat ass.

Note on Fiber: If you don’t have fiber, you may feel constipated. I eat some Chia seeds everyday to get a high dose of fiber. The best way I find is as a pudding for breakfast or dessert. I mix 2 tablespoons (eyeball it) in a cereal bowl with about a 1/2 cup of almond milk. I add cinnamon and wait about 10 minutes. It gets all gooey and looks like little fish eyeballs. Yummy!

Hard Core Plan: Now, for those of you who want to look like Heidi Klum/Ryan Gossling this summer, here’s what I personally am going to do: Chia seeds with water only and cinnamon for breakfast. Replace my lunch with another juice. Replace my dinner with the protein shake  or another juice.  I plan to do this Monday thru Friday afternoon. Until summer vacation. I did the above illustrated plan before, but not as extreme as the one I plan to try now. I’d really just like to do a juice fast, but I know it’s not something I can realistically stick with.  Not with all the farewell parties coming up, four kids and a high stress job. One day I’ll give it a try. Maybe that will be round three. New Year’s resolution time.

The weekends for me can be a bit more relaxed. For sure I will have at least one large juice each day and a fun meal or drinks or whatever. But still, no grains, sugar or dairy.

Wait, one more thing. The coconut oil. I’ve been swishing coconut oil around in my mouth for 20 minutes a day. I do it in the shower. It’s called oil pulling (really?) and is massively disgusting, but is said to remove toxins from your body. After 20 minutes you just spit it out. Of course I’m trying it. You know me. Couldn’t hurt.

Eating healthy is hard. Dieting is hard. Weight loss is hard. But the hard part is not forever. Lose the weight and then figure out a maintenance plan that works for you. Wow, I feel like some sort of sales person selling a diet book. Thankfully, I’m not. I’m just a 40 year old chubster who needs major self motivation to stay on the right track.  Let me know if you give it a try, I’ll be curious to hear about your results. Here’s to using it AND losing it! Ass be gone!

It's amazing what all this juicing has done for my hair and skin! Ha ha. Here's my current "before" shot.

It’s amazing what all this juicing has done for my hair and skin! Ha ha. Here’s my current “before” shot.

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The pants are ON! I repeat…The pants are ON!

After two years of trying out, and failing at:  5AM Crossfit workouts, running, Paleo Diet, Master Cleanse (twice),  Dukan Diet, Hollywood Miracle Diet, writing down everything, using online calorie trackers, crazy weight loss challenges with Fat Tom, no carbs, no sugar, no processed foods, no soy, no gluten, NO FUN…I’d had it. Just freakin’ had it. Threw in the Twinkie and bought myself some Not Your Daughter’s Jeans in a US size 10. Why not? I’m 40 and have four kids. This is what I’m supposed to look like, right?

And that’s when it happened. Just as I’d given up on myself, some crazy Chinese guy wakes me up at 2:30AM with a knife and reminds me that I can’t give up. EVER. He reminded me that I’m strong, capable, smart and worth taking care of. Not to mention, have four kids and a husband who need a fit, healthy mom in the picture.

So do you want to know what this chubster’s been doing? I bought some protein powder from GNC, then I bought a juicer, then I stopped bitching and took control. Less than four months later, I’m in a US size 6. I went from 145lbs to 128lbs.  I can’t say it’s been easy, but it’s been easier than any other diet attempts I’ve ever, well….attempted.

I slowly worked my way into this routine, which is the one I’m sticking with until I lose my final 8lbs. I lost about a half to one pound a week.

Morning Juice:

  1. one lemon
  2. one large fresh ginger chunk the size of a lipstick
  3. a handful of celery stalks
  4. one cucumber
  5. a crap load of green leafy veggies (any kind)

No apple or other sweet fruit. It took me about two months to slowly phase out the apple. Sounds disgusting, right? At first it was. I called it Ass in a Glass. But the instant energy that drink gives me and the way I can feel it seeping into my cells is totally worth it. I read an article that explained how when you are not giving your cells the right nutrients, it signals your brain to eat more. Really, that’s it? Drink some nasty green juice and your brain tells your stomach that you are full. I drink the equivalent of two tall glasses. Just suck it up and suck it down.

Lunch: Leftover salad or cooked veggies from the school lunches at work and a Protein shake with double the serving of powder mixed with a single serving of water. That way it’s nice and thick and satisfying. Ok, so it’s still just a crappy protein shake, but it’s not as crappy as having a big, jiggly ass.

Snack: Boiled eggs, nuts, or the occasional granola bar or nothing

Dinner: Whatever I want. Heathy choices if I’m at home, and nachos, burgers, pizza etc when I go out (maybe once a week). If there is pasta or rice, I eat half the serving I would have had before and double up on the veggies and meat.

If I have a night out of beer and nachos, I avoid the bread, pasta and rice for the next couple of days to make up for it (minus the greasy hangover breakfast).

The thing is, I don’t actually think about any of this. I just do it. No worrying about it, no thinking about it, no talking about it all the time. Just doing it. I no longer weigh myself all the time either. So nice.

As far as exercise, I walk to and from work everyday. So maybe I get in about two miles a day. Again, not worrying about it. Just walking everywhere as if I’ve always done that. SO easy!

I will admit, the element of terror has  been a great self-motivator, but I wouldn’t recommend having your neighbor sneak into your house with a ski mask and a knife. Just take my word on it. Or, try watching the documentary Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead. That should be terrorizing enough. So here is the moment I’ve been waiting for. The pants! Even though I have 8lbs still left to go, I just couldn’t wait to share some pictures.  I think I’m going to keep that pink rubber band hanging somewhere as a reminder. A reminder to not give up. EVER.

Almost there!

The pants are on!

The pants are on! 

“Pass the feet, please.”

You don’t hear that one at most dinner tables, including mine. If you were at my table tonight you would have heard, “I want the foot! That’s not fair! He already ate the neck!” My kids are once again, officially Chinese Nationals. Their days of pizza and hot dogs are in the past and they are back to fighting over the innards more than the outtards. Gross. Why can’t I be like them? How many calories can possibly be in a boiled duck foot?

Kaia Duck foot Noah Duck foot

Maddox, at the tender age of three, just had his first foot massage last night. What is it with our family and feet? Of course, I asked for them to press on the weight loss pressure point for the entire 80 minutes. They politely ignored me and pretended that they couldn’t understand me. My Chinese translated to this; “Please you only this one, very long time push, make hurt, I want fat bye-bye, ok?” What’s not to understand?

Maddox and Kaia foot rub

I wanted to take this time to let you know that I have dropped out of Fat Tom’s The Biggest Loser contest. SInce I hadn’t yet paid my entry fee, see, already the Biggest Loser, I (and my other two fat friends), decided to donate it to a special cause instead. Tom just found out that his six year old daughter, Delaney, has leukemia. For those of you that have read his blog, you know that he is an amazing and highly entertaining writer. He has now started a blog about his daughter’s battle with cancer. I am complaining A LOT less these days, kissing my kids a lot more and am so in awe of this sweet little girl and her amazing family. Please feel free to pass his newest blog on to anyone who you think it could motivate, inspire or help. Also, prayers, well wishes and support from around the world can lighten any spirit. Delaney’s Blog

Two-faced people aren’t so bad….

I realized that not only have I let the fatness get back out of control, I’ve also lost all motivation to, as my mother says, “put a face on.” It’s just so time consuming to have to put on makeup, blow dry my hair, flat iron, curl, whatever. Hell, it’s just hard enough these days to drag my lazy, Twinkie filled butt to the shower! Where has all my motivation gone to?

But to be fair, I’ve had back to back flu, food poisoning and now walking pneumonia. It’s not been a pretty sight. However, three weeks of no appetite, nausea and bed rest is every weight loss competitors dream right? Think about it… slurping broth, puking it out and losing muscle tone all at the same time! Yeah baby! For sure I was going to slip right into “the pants” after enduring three weeks of this torture, right?

I gained a pound.

But no worries, now that I’m feeling better, I’ve decided to at least put some effort into looking my best. Meet halfway.  Who said it’s bad to be two-faced anyway?

PS. If you click on the photo and it shows up SUPER BIG on your computer, not only will you get an awesome view of my massive pores and crows feet, but you can see that my eyelashes are in fact growing quite long. I’m using Lilash and so far, I’m pretty excited about it!

Ok, so there was a picture here previously, but a year later I deleted it because it was just CREEPY!

Dumb people do the Master Cleanse. Idiots do it twice.

 

That was my FB status today. Yep. Did it again. Lost about 3 pounds, and 3 days later, I found them…. with their friends, next to the enchiladas. This was supposed to be my year of change. Focusing on health and well-being. I told my self I was doing the cleanse just to clean out the pipes and make a fresh start, but really, I just wanted to lose 10 pounds.

I turn 40 this September and want to do something great, like get my boobs done or maybe some inner thigh lipo. Ooooooh, thigh lipo. In reality, I’ll probably just buy a Genie Bra and some mom jeans.

Speaking of fatties, the challenge is on once again with Fat Tom and I. It goes until June, so I’ve got time to do this the right way. He, of course, has lost over 10 lbs already. All I need to do is pop a few Twinkies in the mail to fix that one.

I found a nice lady down the street who sells dried bats! Low carb AND paleo! I bet Fat Tom doesn’t have a bat lady.

Bag O Bats

Bag O Bats

Has anyone tried the honey and cinnamon diet drink? I’ve just heard about it again from another friend and one said she was going to try it. The jury is still out. Let me know if it has worked for you.

I think I’ll stick to the low carb street snacks that they have here in China. So many options, and with all the shells, tails and heads to maneuver around, I’m bound to eat less volume.

Lunch on the street. Scorpions and seahorses!

Lunch on the street. Scorpions and seahorses!

With living in China, you’d think I’d be so skinny. I still believe it’s going to happen. We have our 10 year wedding anniversary this summer, a trip to Bali planned and my 40th. Now if those things are not motivation to look my best, then I don’t know what is. My new goal is simple: Lose a pound a week. That would be 26 lbs by summer and our trip to Bali. Now, I have no desire to lose 26 lbs, but 20 would be a dream! That would put me at a healthy 120 pounds. Just right for my 5’2″ frame.

Ok, fingers crossed that this VPN keeps working and I get  back on the blog wagon. I know you’ve all been missing me bitch and moan about my fatness! What’s my next crazy diet attempt? I don’t know yet, but you, my friends, will be the first to hear about that. Aren’t you just thrilled?

Don't ask....

Don’t ask….

“You have a beautiful snatch.”

Working out in China has proven to be harder than I had anticipated. I joined the one and only gym, and made it there one, and only one, time. I looked very impressive busting out some stellar Crossfit moves. One of the owners even walked by and said, “You have a beautiful snatch.” You don’t hear that one everyday! (FYI, if your mind is thinking dirty thoughts, shame on you, and go back and read some old posts to learn about the “snatch.”)

I joined the gym in a frantic panic to maintain what little muscle development I’ve managed to hang on to since moving here. Well, so much for that. I’ve not been back since and that was a month ago. The issue is, is that it’s too far away to walk to and I’m too lazy to call for a taxi every time I want to go. It’s not a big deal, getting a taxi, but the whole having to wait around for one to arrive, then explaining directions in Chinese….. The directions vaguely translate into this, “Take me go to exercise place near water where can buy fish. Very smell bad place. You know?” Yeah, I need to work on my Chinese a bit more. Unfortunately for me, if I just tell them the name of the gym, I get a blank stare. Most of them know where the stinky fish area is though. The gym keeps it’s windows open all day too, so we can all enjoy the smell of rotting fish and exhaust fumes. No wonder I’m not anxious to return.

It’s great to be back, though. We hired both our old ayi’s again, (aka: Nanny, housekeeper, chef, grocery shopper). We moved out of our hotel and into our house on the 20th, celebrated Kaia’s birthday on the 23rd, got our tree unpacked and up on the 24th, did Christmas then hosted a New Year’s Eve party. I’d say we hit the ground running. I’ve dropped off my resume at the local international school, fully recovered from my ruptured cyst, and have managed three times to go to the crappy little fitness room we have in our housing development. Each day I did 25 burpees, 25 pushups, 25 sit-ups and 25 squat/lunges. Then hopped on the good ole’ treadmill for 20 minutes. Not bad.

So Fat Tom is having one of his weight loss challenges to kick off the new year. Of course I joined in. Can never pass on a challenge. I roped in the hubs and my friend Liz. My starting off stats are beyond pathetic.

Starting weight as of January 2, 2013…… a hefty 145lbs. I think I just threw up a bit in my mouth.

I haven’t weighed myself since but we are supposed to weigh in every Monday, send Fat Tom our stats and then he updates us all on how everyone is doing. It’s costs $25 per person with a cash prize. Oh yeah. I want to use my prize money for some thigh lipo or an all you can eat buffet cruise… it’s a toss up. Either way, I’m already spending my winnings in my head. That’s what you do when you are as awesome at losing weight as I am. 😉

Today I’m in Hong Kong, hence the ability to blog. I’ll leave you with some pictures of life in in China, some shots from New Years and this here link to Fat Tom’s blog so you can see what our challenge is all about. And here we go again….

Wait. Strike that. It won’t let me upload photos. I need to figure this out. What a hassle. You’ll have to use your imagination for now.  Just picture me hunkered down next to a bag of dried bats, or eating mystery hot pot, or dressed as a sumo wrestler at Coy’s work party. Talk about a fatty!

Happy New Year everyone. I wish you all a year of good health, happiness and whittled middles.

The TV goes where?

We finally decided on a house here in Shekou, China. It’s been newly renovated and has many lovely “decorations” such as….

1. A giant, marble, faux fireplace with the TV plugs inside it. Attached to the wall at the only location for the TV.  I asked where the TV goes since it’s too small to go inside the fireplace and it’s too high to put above the fireplace. She told me to buy a TV console and put it in front of the fireplace with the TV on it. Now why didn’t I think of that? When I asked her what “genius” came up with this idea, she answered with, “It was a team of geniuses.”

2. A new wall placed in the dead center of the playroom that is about 6 feet wide and goes from floor to ceiling. The wall is made out of twisted iron that looks like vines. Bonus! It’s painted shiny gold! Whoo hoo! Our very own climbing wall!

3. To match the gold climbing wall we also have floor to ceiling gold lamae curtains in every room. It’s like a big, shiny palace! How did we get so lucky?

4. Finally, I found the entertainment center console that was replaced by a fireplace. It’s now just off the kitchen being used as the pantry. They even hooked up the TV plugs there too! You never know when you’ll feel like watching a ping pong match while searching for a can of green beans!

They’ve simply thought of everything! Ha ha. Pictures to follow if Santa decides to bring me a real camera….

Other than house hunting, things are going well. I’m fatter than ever. My friend called me, “Healthy.” Another said, “You look better than when you were skinny.” Ha ha. Love them.

So what is my new diet plan you night ask? Because you KNOW I have a plan, right? Well, my friend and I ran into a guy here in Shekou who has recently lost a bunch of weight. He said it was from drinking a tea made out of cinnamon with black honey stirred into it? For real? The moment he left, my friend and I scoffed at  how ridiculous that was. Honey? It’s full of sugar! As if!

What did I do the very next day? Went out and bought honey and cinnamon. Yep. I’m a big FAT follower and as you know, will try just about anything. And it tastes sooooo good. After not having sugar for like, forever, it tastes ridiculously delicious. Look it up online. I did and was surprised at the positive reviews I read. People really seem to lose weight doing it.  Let me know if you want the recipe on what to do and I’ll write it out. This dude we saw swore that is all he did and said the fat just melted off of him. Apparently it’s a cure-all for many other ailments as well.

I wonder if I just put cinnamon on my Honey Nut Cheerios, if I’d get the same results?