Dumb people do the Master Cleanse. Idiots do it twice.

 

That was my FB status today. Yep. Did it again. Lost about 3 pounds, and 3 days later, I found them…. with their friends, next to the enchiladas. This was supposed to be my year of change. Focusing on health and well-being. I told my self I was doing the cleanse just to clean out the pipes and make a fresh start, but really, I just wanted to lose 10 pounds.

I turn 40 this September and want to do something great, like get my boobs done or maybe some inner thigh lipo. Ooooooh, thigh lipo. In reality, I’ll probably just buy a Genie Bra and some mom jeans.

Speaking of fatties, the challenge is on once again with Fat Tom and I. It goes until June, so I’ve got time to do this the right way. He, of course, has lost over 10 lbs already. All I need to do is pop a few Twinkies in the mail to fix that one.

I found a nice lady down the street who sells dried bats! Low carb AND paleo! I bet Fat Tom doesn’t have a bat lady.

Bag O Bats

Bag O Bats

Has anyone tried the honey and cinnamon diet drink? I’ve just heard about it again from another friend and one said she was going to try it. The jury is still out. Let me know if it has worked for you.

I think I’ll stick to the low carb street snacks that they have here in China. So many options, and with all the shells, tails and heads to maneuver around, I’m bound to eat less volume.

Lunch on the street. Scorpions and seahorses!

Lunch on the street. Scorpions and seahorses!

With living in China, you’d think I’d be so skinny. I still believe it’s going to happen. We have our 10 year wedding anniversary this summer, a trip to Bali planned and my 40th. Now if those things are not motivation to look my best, then I don’t know what is. My new goal is simple: Lose a pound a week. That would be 26 lbs by summer and our trip to Bali. Now, I have no desire to lose 26 lbs, but 20 would be a dream! That would put me at a healthy 120 pounds. Just right for my 5’2″ frame.

Ok, fingers crossed that this VPN keeps working and I get  back on the blog wagon. I know you’ve all been missing me bitch and moan about my fatness! What’s my next crazy diet attempt? I don’t know yet, but you, my friends, will be the first to hear about that. Aren’t you just thrilled?

Don't ask....

Don’t ask….

“You have a beautiful snatch.”

Working out in China has proven to be harder than I had anticipated. I joined the one and only gym, and made it there one, and only one, time. I looked very impressive busting out some stellar Crossfit moves. One of the owners even walked by and said, “You have a beautiful snatch.” You don’t hear that one everyday! (FYI, if your mind is thinking dirty thoughts, shame on you, and go back and read some old posts to learn about the “snatch.”)

I joined the gym in a frantic panic to maintain what little muscle development I’ve managed to hang on to since moving here. Well, so much for that. I’ve not been back since and that was a month ago. The issue is, is that it’s too far away to walk to and I’m too lazy to call for a taxi every time I want to go. It’s not a big deal, getting a taxi, but the whole having to wait around for one to arrive, then explaining directions in Chinese….. The directions vaguely translate into this, “Take me go to exercise place near water where can buy fish. Very smell bad place. You know?” Yeah, I need to work on my Chinese a bit more. Unfortunately for me, if I just tell them the name of the gym, I get a blank stare. Most of them know where the stinky fish area is though. The gym keeps it’s windows open all day too, so we can all enjoy the smell of rotting fish and exhaust fumes. No wonder I’m not anxious to return.

It’s great to be back, though. We hired both our old ayi’s again, (aka: Nanny, housekeeper, chef, grocery shopper). We moved out of our hotel and into our house on the 20th, celebrated Kaia’s birthday on the 23rd, got our tree unpacked and up on the 24th, did Christmas then hosted a New Year’s Eve party. I’d say we hit the ground running. I’ve dropped off my resume at the local international school, fully recovered from my ruptured cyst, and have managed three times to go to the crappy little fitness room we have in our housing development. Each day I did 25 burpees, 25 pushups, 25 sit-ups and 25 squat/lunges. Then hopped on the good ole’ treadmill for 20 minutes. Not bad.

So Fat Tom is having one of his weight loss challenges to kick off the new year. Of course I joined in. Can never pass on a challenge. I roped in the hubs and my friend Liz. My starting off stats are beyond pathetic.

Starting weight as of January 2, 2013…… a hefty 145lbs. I think I just threw up a bit in my mouth.

I haven’t weighed myself since but we are supposed to weigh in every Monday, send Fat Tom our stats and then he updates us all on how everyone is doing. It’s costs $25 per person with a cash prize. Oh yeah. I want to use my prize money for some thigh lipo or an all you can eat buffet cruise… it’s a toss up. Either way, I’m already spending my winnings in my head. That’s what you do when you are as awesome at losing weight as I am. 😉

Today I’m in Hong Kong, hence the ability to blog. I’ll leave you with some pictures of life in in China, some shots from New Years and this here link to Fat Tom’s blog so you can see what our challenge is all about. And here we go again….

Wait. Strike that. It won’t let me upload photos. I need to figure this out. What a hassle. You’ll have to use your imagination for now.  Just picture me hunkered down next to a bag of dried bats, or eating mystery hot pot, or dressed as a sumo wrestler at Coy’s work party. Talk about a fatty!

Happy New Year everyone. I wish you all a year of good health, happiness and whittled middles.

The TV goes where?

We finally decided on a house here in Shekou, China. It’s been newly renovated and has many lovely “decorations” such as….

1. A giant, marble, faux fireplace with the TV plugs inside it. Attached to the wall at the only location for the TV.  I asked where the TV goes since it’s too small to go inside the fireplace and it’s too high to put above the fireplace. She told me to buy a TV console and put it in front of the fireplace with the TV on it. Now why didn’t I think of that? When I asked her what “genius” came up with this idea, she answered with, “It was a team of geniuses.”

2. A new wall placed in the dead center of the playroom that is about 6 feet wide and goes from floor to ceiling. The wall is made out of twisted iron that looks like vines. Bonus! It’s painted shiny gold! Whoo hoo! Our very own climbing wall!

3. To match the gold climbing wall we also have floor to ceiling gold lamae curtains in every room. It’s like a big, shiny palace! How did we get so lucky?

4. Finally, I found the entertainment center console that was replaced by a fireplace. It’s now just off the kitchen being used as the pantry. They even hooked up the TV plugs there too! You never know when you’ll feel like watching a ping pong match while searching for a can of green beans!

They’ve simply thought of everything! Ha ha. Pictures to follow if Santa decides to bring me a real camera….

Other than house hunting, things are going well. I’m fatter than ever. My friend called me, “Healthy.” Another said, “You look better than when you were skinny.” Ha ha. Love them.

So what is my new diet plan you night ask? Because you KNOW I have a plan, right? Well, my friend and I ran into a guy here in Shekou who has recently lost a bunch of weight. He said it was from drinking a tea made out of cinnamon with black honey stirred into it? For real? The moment he left, my friend and I scoffed at  how ridiculous that was. Honey? It’s full of sugar! As if!

What did I do the very next day? Went out and bought honey and cinnamon. Yep. I’m a big FAT follower and as you know, will try just about anything. And it tastes sooooo good. After not having sugar for like, forever, it tastes ridiculously delicious. Look it up online. I did and was surprised at the positive reviews I read. People really seem to lose weight doing it.  Let me know if you want the recipe on what to do and I’ll write it out. This dude we saw swore that is all he did and said the fat just melted off of him. Apparently it’s a cure-all for many other ailments as well.

I wonder if I just put cinnamon on my Honey Nut Cheerios, if I’d get the same results?

Why you so fat?

“Why you so fat? Before you more skinny.”

“Oh, now you fat. Ha ha ha.”

“This one (pointing at my ass) more bigger.”

“You eat everyday Mc Donald’s?”

What can I say? Welcome back to China to me! The Chinese definitely have a way with “compliments,” that’s for sure. But, there is something to be said for honesty, right? I think it’s called, “Keep your “compliments” to yourself!” Ha ha.

During my blogging hiatus, I managed to pack on an embarrassing ten more pounds. I was/am absolutely disgusting. “Ohh, I’d better go to Taco Bell, who knows when I’ll get that again?” The same went for burgers, donuts, muffins… you name it, I ate it.

I did do a brief ten day cleanse through Advocare, but other than that, I worked hard on building this fat butt. Finally an achievement of impressive magnitude, literally. Sigh.

We just downloaded a VPN which will temporarily allow me to blog, go on FB, etc. Now you will get a chance to hear about life in China combined with details of how I once again got into my skinny jeans. With my track record, by the time that happens, skinny jeans will be out of style again. “One mom’s quest to be reunited with her WIDE LEGGED TROUSERS,” just  doesn’t sound like such a big feat, if you ask me.

A sneak peek into what’s in store for you, my devoted followers of my fatness……

This morning I called the front desk of the hotel where we are temporarily living, to tell them that we had too many mosquitos in the room. Five minutes later a team of men in full gas masks, HazMat jumpsuits, with hoses the width of my head attached to tanks of poison on their backs, were knocking at my door. “Hello lady, you leave now.” I was just standing there in my PJ’s and bathrobe. Mouth open. Ghost Busters? Somehow I convinced them to come back tomorrow. This time I’d better have my camera ready.

50 Shades of Fat

Dominant: Fat

Submissive: Me

Dom: Oh Maria, you beguile me. I just want to stick to your thighs, hips and your…..

Sub: Oh Fat, I am the one who is beguiled. I don’t want you, but can’t seem to let you go. You feel so warm on these cool nights. I want to run screaming for the hills, but I’m scared I’ll miss you. Plus running would just make you leave my thighs even faster.

Dom: You. Are. Mine. And I’ll never leave your sides….or thighs….or butt.

Sub: I’m glad I have such a concupiscent effect on you. Did I mention yet that I am beguiled by you?

Dom: Laters, baby.

I’ll blame my MIA status on 50 Shades of Grey. Once I finish this book (this weekend), I’ll be  back to blogging. And once again able to focus on something other than Christian Grey and his Red Room of Pain. Oh my. Let’s just say, carrying this book around the airport was definitely a conversation starter! Oh, and if anyone knows what “beguiled” or “concupiscent” means, I’d love to know. I swear the author must be sitting with her thesaurus by her side. But, who cares, no one is reading 50 Shades of Grey to enhance their vocabulary anyway.

I have lots to share with you all. Updates on my fatness, the latest nutrition challenge I’m doing and our plans for our move to CHINA! It’s all happening so fast which is the real reason I’ve been MIA. Getting this house ready to sell, kids’ immunizations and dental appointments, a huge garage sale and about a million other things, has been all-consuming. Once things settle down, I’ll be back in full force. Until then, I’m beguiled and concupiscent and hungry. Some things never change!

Laters, baby!

Fat Stats

Had my body comp measured yesterday and here are the results.

June 27, 2012        September 7, 2012

143 lbs                    136 lbs

27.6% body fat        22.6% body fat

39 lbs fat                  30 lbs fat

103 lbs muscle        105 lbs muscle

In about 2 1/2 months I:

Lost 9 lbs of FAT

Went down 5% body fat

Gained 2 lbs of MUSCLE

Overall, I’m happy. Ultimately, I want to just get down to a size 6, preferable before we move to China so I don’t need to buy a whole new wardrobe. Maybe this is the first time I’ve had so much muscle. I have a gut feeling that if I wasn’t doing CrossFit, my weight on the scale would be more like 130… I’m excited to see what is hiding under this final layer of blub. As I said before, my guess is Heidi Klum.

The Whole30 is officially over today. I haven’t gorged on anything bad yet. Am saving it for tonight. 🙂 Here is what I plan to take away from this experience.

* Only eat my favorite dairy on occasion. It’s not a daily food. Almond milk has double the calcium anyway.

* No grains unless someone else has made it and I don’t want to be rude. I don’t miss them at all. Or the occasional slice of pizza.

* Sugar. Well it’s just bad, so I’ll keep on reading my labels and being mindful.

* Legumes can be reserved for chili or Mexican dinners.

* NO more Truvia, diet sodas, Splenda or the like. Tastes gross and is like eating poison.

* Fruit is a-ok with me! But try to stick to berries and lower sugar fruits.

* Bacon, hot dogs? Sure! As long as I’m feeing my kids the nitrate free version. (Good luck finding that in China….)

* Chips, cookies, crackers…..see ya!

* Black coffee works for me.

* Booze… as needed. 🙂 Can you say, 4 kids under age 7?

Well, there you have it. Trust me, if I can do this, so can you. Although I was moaning about what little effect the Whole30 had on me, it turns out, it had a bigger impact than I thought. Even if I didn’t lose tons of weight, it got me back on track with eating healthy. It forced me to to look carefully at what I was putting in my mouth. AND most importantly, what I was putting in my family’s mouth.

So Whole30, YES, you are worth it.

Whole30 aka “Drop that donut, fatty, and clean your house!”

Here is what I have learned during the eight days I’ve been doing the Whole30:

1. Every fiber of my being loves to eat like shit.

2. I’ve got nothing else.

Remember the Whole30 is No sugar, No grains, No dairy, No legumes, No alcohol, No fun.

The first couple of days started out great. I was motivated, just like I am at the start of every diet adventure I begin, but this time it was different. I have never “dieted” without the goal of losing weight before. This time it is just to become as healthy as I can be. If I happen to lose a few pounds and my chronic skin rash (yeah still got it, going on seven weeks now) that would be a great bonus.

My thought process behind this insane 30 day plan is this… Maybe, one of the reasons I can’t get down to a desirable weight and size is because my body is so bogged down with toxins from years of eating donuts and potato chips, that it is no longer efficient. Maybe, if I just “clean house,” things will run more smoothly.

For example, let’s say you spend most of the week days, swiffering your floors, dusting your shelves, scrubbing pee off the toilet seat rims, and wiping dried toothpaste off the mirror (maybe that is just me?). By 3:00 everything is smelling like a Carolina pine forest. Then in come the kids. They drop their backpacks, kick off their shoes, dribble their snacks all over the carpet, wipe their sticky hands on everything BUT the kitchen towel, pee on the toilet seats and fling toothpaste on the mirror. Then you just sigh, and clean it all up again in the morning.

Now that is fine and dandy and all, we all get it. But then comes the weekend. No school means no time for mom to get the house clean. No point in even trying. Add Dad to the mix and you double the amount of dropped items and pee on the seats. So if it weren’t for school or a cleaning service, the dust and clutter would just keep piling up.

What I’m trying to say is this. I’ve been feeding my body crap as if every day was the weekend. It was never given the chance to clean up. Everything inside me was working full-time, with no break, no overtime pay and no holidays. Eventually, my body began going on strike and the trash (aka FAT and toxins) just kept piling up bigger and bigger.  Kind of like an episode of Hoarders, only I was hoarding fat and toxins.

Whole30 is my intervention. It’s boring, difficult at times, and did I say boring? But I know it’s time to “clean house.” It just needs to be done. And once I’m all cleaned up, I plan to save my toxin consumption for special occasions only. 🙂 It’s easy to clean up after the occasional big party, especially if you have happy workers…. on the inside.

BTW, have been going to CrossFit 5X’s a week and feeling pretty good about it!