Time for the pants! Shield your eyes, people!

After……..

1. Enduring 30 straight minutes of tears due to a dropped lollypop at the car wash (candy at 9:00am, I’ll have you know),

2. An hour of playing “spaceship” at the playground, where Mommy had to sit on a little rocking dinosaur that was going up her butt, and shout “Yes, Captain” about 1,000 times,

3. About being kicked out of the library AGAIN due to nuclear meltdown of Reeve. Maddox “touched” his Clifford book,

…… we finally made it home where my favorite babysitter, Kai Lan, was waiting for us. Kai Lan is the Chinese version of Dora. She comes on TV everyday and puts my kids into a silent trance for 30 whole minutes. You would NOT believe the amount of things I got done in those 30 minutes.

Now, for the moment you’ve all been waiting for (ha ha), the ridiculous picture of me in the damn pants. Ridiculous, because I should look way better in them by now. Especially since I’m on day 22 of the Whole 30. I’ve only lost 3 pounds so far, but didn’t I say, it wasn’t about the weight loss? Who am I kidding? That is just what us fatties say when we’re scared that we’ll screw up and not lose any weight. So I haven’t screwed up, but sure as hell have not lost a bunch of weight.

August 23, 2012

On a positive note, I still have no cravings for sweets or grains. Don’t get me wrong though. If there were no repercussions for eating sugar, I’d be downing a dozen donuts as we speak. Mmmmmm, donuts. I think that the rubber band does look like it’s not stretched out as far and I’m getting closer to securing those pants with an actual button. But still….

Ok, and here is the other grainy photo, but of me in the spots bra get up. Now this is just becoming embarrassing.

 

 

 

 

Almond Banana Chocolate Chip Muffins

I just posted this on a friend’s blog and thought, why not mine? My friend made these the other day and they were off the charts! My, oh, my what a healthy treat! I don’t have the chocolate chips (which are unsweetened by the way) so I’m going to try these tonight with raisins to keep it Whole30. For my B-ville friends, I got coconut oil spray here in town at Billie’s. I’m out of almond butter so am going to try cashew butter. SO EXCITED! Enjoy!

Oh, and am on Day 17 of the Whole30 and still going strong. Took the kids to Burger King today (has an indoor play place and it was raining). I ate a DRY chicken, apple, cranberry salad and it wasn’t terrible. Never thought I’d say that!

Hey, if you didn’t watch the video on my previous post, go do it now. It just keeps cracking me up!
Almond Banana Chocolate Chip Muffins

3/4 cup almond butter
1 cup almond flour
3 medium ripe bananas, mashed
2 eggs
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon (optional – I love cinnamon)
1/3 cup plus more for topping muffins Enjoy Life Chocolate Chips (Dairy-Free, Soy Free, Gluten-Free) – I find mine at Whole Foods

Instructions:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  Spray a muffin pan with coconut spray (found at Whole Foods – love).
In a mixing bowl, combine all ingredients except chocolate chips and mix everything is incorporated.  Now stir chocolate chips into batter.  Pour batter into prepared muffin tin filling all 12 cups evenly.  Top muffins with a few additional chocolate chips.
Bake for 20 – 25 minutes, or until golden and a toothpick inserted in center comes out clean.  Let the muffins cool and remove from pan.  And enjoy!!

Mom and Dad are in the house!

I know I owe you all a picture of my pudgy butt squashed into those pants, but Coy is out of town and I need him to take the pictures for me. Which means I have a few days left to eat nothing but lettuce and drink some Smooth Move tea so I look extra good.

Too bad I still have this body rash… 8 weeks or so now. It’s AWESOME.

My friend posted this on FB today and it made my day. Need a laugh? A really good one? Then….

CHECK THIS OUT

Drama! It’s about time!


So far life in B’ville had been smooth, pleasant, quiet and well, a bit boring. EVERYONE is nice, polite, warm, welcoming and friendly. Where were all the desperate housewives I’d hoped to befriend? I thought for sure I’d move in onto Wisteria Lane and my Stay at Home Mom days would be filled with coffee (cocktails), gossip, drama and hot lawn care guys. I was somewhat disappointed, yet ultimately relieved, to have seemingly normal neighbors who say hello, talk to my kids and bring over tomatoes. But still, I was longing for some good ole, small town drama. Isn’t that a perk of living here? Everyone knows everything? Apparently, I know nothing. That was until yesterday. Ahh, finally! My first moment of drama and verification that I do not live in the land of Leave it to Beaver after all. B’ville has just as many crazies as everywhere else. Ok, so a lot less, but still.

Yesterday was my first day as a soccer mom. I loaded up the crew and headed to the field. After parking my car, a little sports car zipped into the spot right next to me. And I mean RIGHT NEXT TO ME. I shimmied out of my driver’s seat and politely informed the lady that she was a bit close and I was worried my kids would ding her car. SHE. LOST. IT. It was the funniest thing I ever saw. It was as if I had no right asking her to do a damn thing. Jamming her car back in gear, barking, “Is this far enough for you?! Huh? Is it? Is it?” Making a spectacle of herself by opening both her passenger side doors to make sure I saw that she was now, in fact, far enough away. As she teetered off in her sky-high (and very cute by the way) wedges, my three year old, Maddox, shouts, “That old lady is bad to my mommy! My daddy is gonna spank her butt!” So need to take that boy out for ice cream.

Who knows, everyone has bad days. Me, especially. But I want to say “thank you,” scary, high-heeled, sports car driving lady for having your bad day. I needed a bit of drama and now I’ve  finally got something to bring to the table. Yeah, I think I’m gonna like it here after all!

So I’ll end this with a picture of my son and I at Walmart. He’s into Plants vs. Zombies. Whenever anyone passed our cart, he stuck his arm in the air and cried, “Brains! Brains!” He’s awesome. I’d better take him out for ice cream, too.

Brains! Brains!Brains

Pizza or Prunes?


Day 10 of the Whole30 and Coy ordered pizza. A combination, a sausage and the one pizza I’ve always wanted to order….spinach and feta. I never ordered it because I assumed I was the only one who would eat it. Well, everyone ate it. Everyone except yours truly.

I dined on celery with macadamia nut butter and a few prunes. Yes, prunes. They were delicious. Like an explosion of lusciousness in my mouth. I cannot think of a more satisfying way to end my evening.

Are my pants on fire? Does my nose look bigger to you? Why, yes, and yes. It sucked. Like the biggest sucking of all sucking.

On a positive note, all the kids wanted what I was eating. Crap, now there is even leftover pizza in the fridge. I know it’s there. And I’ll be fantasizing about it ALL NIGHT LONG.

Whole30 aka “Drop that donut, fatty, and clean your house!”

Here is what I have learned during the eight days I’ve been doing the Whole30:

1. Every fiber of my being loves to eat like shit.

2. I’ve got nothing else.

Remember the Whole30 is No sugar, No grains, No dairy, No legumes, No alcohol, No fun.

The first couple of days started out great. I was motivated, just like I am at the start of every diet adventure I begin, but this time it was different. I have never “dieted” without the goal of losing weight before. This time it is just to become as healthy as I can be. If I happen to lose a few pounds and my chronic skin rash (yeah still got it, going on seven weeks now) that would be a great bonus.

My thought process behind this insane 30 day plan is this… Maybe, one of the reasons I can’t get down to a desirable weight and size is because my body is so bogged down with toxins from years of eating donuts and potato chips, that it is no longer efficient. Maybe, if I just “clean house,” things will run more smoothly.

For example, let’s say you spend most of the week days, swiffering your floors, dusting your shelves, scrubbing pee off the toilet seat rims, and wiping dried toothpaste off the mirror (maybe that is just me?). By 3:00 everything is smelling like a Carolina pine forest. Then in come the kids. They drop their backpacks, kick off their shoes, dribble their snacks all over the carpet, wipe their sticky hands on everything BUT the kitchen towel, pee on the toilet seats and fling toothpaste on the mirror. Then you just sigh, and clean it all up again in the morning.

Now that is fine and dandy and all, we all get it. But then comes the weekend. No school means no time for mom to get the house clean. No point in even trying. Add Dad to the mix and you double the amount of dropped items and pee on the seats. So if it weren’t for school or a cleaning service, the dust and clutter would just keep piling up.

What I’m trying to say is this. I’ve been feeding my body crap as if every day was the weekend. It was never given the chance to clean up. Everything inside me was working full-time, with no break, no overtime pay and no holidays. Eventually, my body began going on strike and the trash (aka FAT and toxins) just kept piling up bigger and bigger.  Kind of like an episode of Hoarders, only I was hoarding fat and toxins.

Whole30 is my intervention. It’s boring, difficult at times, and did I say boring? But I know it’s time to “clean house.” It just needs to be done. And once I’m all cleaned up, I plan to save my toxin consumption for special occasions only. 🙂 It’s easy to clean up after the occasional big party, especially if you have happy workers…. on the inside.

BTW, have been going to CrossFit 5X’s a week and feeling pretty good about it!

5, 4, 3, 2, 1!

5.

Last week I went to CrossFit 5X’s. That’s a record for me and I’ll do it again next week….and the week after. I’m trying to up the intensity and frequency, along with this  whole food diet and see what gets shaken up (other than my thighs and butt cheeks.) Has anyone tried the Whole30? Any advice?

Running has taken a backseat for now. I plan to sign up for another 5K here soon, just to keep the cardio in check. I have NO desire to become a runner, but I like the calorie burn and it feels pretty amazing once you are finished. “Once you are finished,” being the key words here. Otherwise, I DESPISE running. I’m thinking one of those fun Mud Runs might just be up my alley.

4.

Day 4 of the Whole30 Challenge. So far, I’m hanging in there. Sucking down my third cup of coffee with unsweetened coconut/almond milk. Not too disgusting. Am fully missing my heavy whipping cream that I usually put into my coffee, and my Truvia. My biggest issue though, is that I’m eating way too many calorie dense foods. Lots of nuts, almond/cashew butter, bananas, whipped coconut milk. Actually, all of those together sound almost good, like a crappy, health food freak sundae, but a sundae none the less! Starting on Monday, I’m going to log what I eat and try to keep the calories at around 1500. For those of you who are thinking, “What sort of insane diet are you trying out now?,” click on my badge (cool blogger lingo for that rectangle on my home page that says Whole30.) It helps to know that I have a friend doing it with me as well. A fellow mom/CrossFitter friend who also has a house full of kids, spaghetti, cheese, sugar and a hungry husband.

3.

Three more days until school starts for half my brood. I cannot even think of a word that expresses my sheer joy. It’s like the happiness of a childhood Christmas morning, times 1,000. No, times 1,000,000. My neighbors will be so happy to not have to listen to me screaming, “Stop screaming!!,” at my kids at 9:00 am. Ok, so they may still hear me at 8:30, but after that, it’s school time!

2.

Am very excited to have shopped at the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale. I never buy clothes, but try to hit up this sale once every year. Quality over quantity! It’s not all their old crap they are trying to off load, it’s the new Fall stuff. My order had free shipping, 40% off everything, PLUS, they honored the Oklahoma Tax Free weekend! It hasn’t arrived yet but I ordered some NYDJ (aka, cool mom jeans). I’ve never worn them before and I ordered two pairs in two sizes. An 8 and a 6. Hopefully, it’s the 8’s going back!

1. 

For the first time I can see that I’ve changed some habits for good. The sugar intake is in control (aside from donut binges that I have to sacrifice my own body for to spare my children’s lives). I’ve lost all desire for a sandwich or a bagel. It is not hard for me to bypass a latte for black coffee. AND, after one full year at CrossFit, I can officially say, I’m hooked on fitness once again. Oh, what a feeling! It’s taken me one full year to reach this point, but now that I’m in the driver’s seat, it’s time to look like I am as well.