The TV goes where?

We finally decided on a house here in Shekou, China. It’s been newly renovated and has many lovely “decorations” such as….

1. A giant, marble, faux fireplace with the TV plugs inside it. Attached to the wall at the only location for the TV.  I asked where the TV goes since it’s too small to go inside the fireplace and it’s too high to put above the fireplace. She told me to buy a TV console and put it in front of the fireplace with the TV on it. Now why didn’t I think of that? When I asked her what “genius” came up with this idea, she answered with, “It was a team of geniuses.”

2. A new wall placed in the dead center of the playroom that is about 6 feet wide and goes from floor to ceiling. The wall is made out of twisted iron that looks like vines. Bonus! It’s painted shiny gold! Whoo hoo! Our very own climbing wall!

3. To match the gold climbing wall we also have floor to ceiling gold lamae curtains in every room. It’s like a big, shiny palace! How did we get so lucky?

4. Finally, I found the entertainment center console that was replaced by a fireplace. It’s now just off the kitchen being used as the pantry. They even hooked up the TV plugs there too! You never know when you’ll feel like watching a ping pong match while searching for a can of green beans!

They’ve simply thought of everything! Ha ha. Pictures to follow if Santa decides to bring me a real camera….

Other than house hunting, things are going well. I’m fatter than ever. My friend called me, “Healthy.” Another said, “You look better than when you were skinny.” Ha ha. Love them.

So what is my new diet plan you night ask? Because you KNOW I have a plan, right? Well, my friend and I ran into a guy here in Shekou who has recently lost a bunch of weight. He said it was from drinking a tea made out of cinnamon with black honey stirred into it? For real? The moment he left, my friend and I scoffed at  how ridiculous that was. Honey? It’s full of sugar! As if!

What did I do the very next day? Went out and bought honey and cinnamon. Yep. I’m a big FAT follower and as you know, will try just about anything. And it tastes sooooo good. After not having sugar for like, forever, it tastes ridiculously delicious. Look it up online. I did and was surprised at the positive reviews I read. People really seem to lose weight doing it.  Let me know if you want the recipe on what to do and I’ll write it out. This dude we saw swore that is all he did and said the fat just melted off of him. Apparently it’s a cure-all for many other ailments as well.

I wonder if I just put cinnamon on my Honey Nut Cheerios, if I’d get the same results?

Why you so fat?

“Why you so fat? Before you more skinny.”

“Oh, now you fat. Ha ha ha.”

“This one (pointing at my ass) more bigger.”

“You eat everyday Mc Donald’s?”

What can I say? Welcome back to China to me! The Chinese definitely have a way with “compliments,” that’s for sure. But, there is something to be said for honesty, right? I think it’s called, “Keep your “compliments” to yourself!” Ha ha.

During my blogging hiatus, I managed to pack on an embarrassing ten more pounds. I was/am absolutely disgusting. “Ohh, I’d better go to Taco Bell, who knows when I’ll get that again?” The same went for burgers, donuts, muffins… you name it, I ate it.

I did do a brief ten day cleanse through Advocare, but other than that, I worked hard on building this fat butt. Finally an achievement of impressive magnitude, literally. Sigh.

We just downloaded a VPN which will temporarily allow me to blog, go on FB, etc. Now you will get a chance to hear about life in China combined with details of how I once again got into my skinny jeans. With my track record, by the time that happens, skinny jeans will be out of style again. “One mom’s quest to be reunited with her WIDE LEGGED TROUSERS,” just  doesn’t sound like such a big feat, if you ask me.

A sneak peek into what’s in store for you, my devoted followers of my fatness……

This morning I called the front desk of the hotel where we are temporarily living, to tell them that we had too many mosquitos in the room. Five minutes later a team of men in full gas masks, HazMat jumpsuits, with hoses the width of my head attached to tanks of poison on their backs, were knocking at my door. “Hello lady, you leave now.” I was just standing there in my PJ’s and bathrobe. Mouth open. Ghost Busters? Somehow I convinced them to come back tomorrow. This time I’d better have my camera ready.