Use it AND Lose it… Ass be Gone!

Often times I see great plans for rebooting your system, cleaning out toxins, losing weight and feeling good. Great plans, but way too complicated for my lazy bones to stick with. I personally hate cooking (ok, hate the shopping, preparing, cleaning and the thinking involved). Also, it’s really hard to find the right ingredients here in China (Hmm, this is green…must be kale??). Plus I’m too damn lazy. Plus I could care less about baked salmon soufflé with a low carb, pine nut-lemon zest cream sauce. That’s what restaurants are for. AND if I was willing to put forth the effort to make that shit in the first place, I’d never have gotten fat to begin with. I like easy, grab and go, filling and energizing. I don’t really care if it even tastes that good. I save those yummy treats for meals with my friends. My plan helps with weight loss, but most importantly, it controls blood sugar levels (found out I’m pre-diabetic, but that’s another post), it reboots your body and makes you look and feel amazing.

Well, here you go my friends. Here’s the plan. I’m starting again tomorrow with round two of weight loss mode. My goal is 120lbs by summer…that means I have 7 lbs to go. That’s nothing! At least from where I started. I’ve actually maintained my weight from my last post so trust me, it works! Don’t be left behind with a Big Mac in your hand wearing a swim skort this summer! (Or the only guy with a shirt ON.) Are you in? Let’s do this together!

My goals: to lose 7 lbs by 4th of July. To tone up the backside. To drink more water and get more sleep.

What you need: A good juicer,  one tub of chocolate or vanilla 100% whey protein and one of soy protein powder GNC, optional shaker bottle for quick mixing of powder, optional bag of Chia seeds (China friends, it’s at Oliver’s in HK), optional coconut oil, optional Barlean’s Superfruit Greens Powder (also at Oliver’s). I also take vitamin D, a vitamin B blend, iron, and magnesium.

Fruits and Veggies: Lemon, ginger root, celery, cucumber, green bell peppers, whatever dark green leafy stuff that looks good to you,

What to do: Exercise early in the morning before work or before the school drop off. Just suck it up and get it out-of-the-way. Do whatever you like. I power walk on my treadmill at 5am while watching some sort of non-animated show. It’s easy to get used to because you’ll feel awesome all day.

Drink a huge glass of water with lemon, or without if you’re too lazy to squeeze a lemon  like I am. I stand frozen at the water cooler and chug it down. Done. Hate drinking water, but I don’t move until the glass is empty. It’s like some sort of psycho mind game.

Before showering or anything, make your juice. One lemon, one lipstick sized chunk of ginger, one large cucumber and about six celery stalks. That is the daily base. Then add  one optional green pepper for zip and the rest is just whatever green things you have on hand. Keep stuffing it in the juicer until you have about enough to fill two tall glasses or the whole juicing pitcher. About the size of two Starbucks Grande cups. No measuring required. Just jam it all in. Then clean your juicer.

For those of you who just can’t stand the lack of sweetness, this is where the Barlean’s Superfruit Greens powder comes in handy. It’s really sweet, but has no real sugar. I don’t use it because I like the unsweetened juice now, but in the beginning, it was hard to swallow. Don’t be tempted to add fruit! All those fruity “green” drinks taste great, but fruit juice is loaded with sugar and that is not good if you want thigh gap. Ok, who am I kidding, I just don’t want thigh chafe. If you really want fruit, then eat it. At least you’ll get some fiber. Stay away from mangos and bananas. Try to stick with apples and berries.

More on fiber later….

My original plan that totally works: Drink your delicious juice (aka “Glass of Ass”) all morning long. You’ll be surprised how energetic you feel! No coffee needed! You’ll also be surprised how full you feel. Your body is getting all the nutrients it needs so it tells the brain to not send out hungry signals. Totally not kidding. Plus without the fiber, it’s like a straight shot of nutrients to the system. Your body does not have to work as hard to process the juice and it gives your organs a break. If you’re dying  to eat something, I’d grab a handful of nuts or a boiled egg, but it’ll slow down your results and the detoxification process.

Sometime around 1-2:00, make yourself a shake. I put two scoops into my GNC hand shaker bottle, add really cold water, then shake it up and chug it down. I alternate whey and soy, just in case my body likes one more than the other. You’ll be stuffed until dinner, in which case you’ll make better choices.

For dinner, eat whatever your family is having minus all rice, wheat, packaged foods, dairy,  dressings, sauces… ok, basically watch them eat and make yourself a salad with some sort of protein involved. It sucks, but so does having a fat ass.

Note on Fiber: If you don’t have fiber, you may feel constipated. I eat some Chia seeds everyday to get a high dose of fiber. The best way I find is as a pudding for breakfast or dessert. I mix 2 tablespoons (eyeball it) in a cereal bowl with about a 1/2 cup of almond milk. I add cinnamon and wait about 10 minutes. It gets all gooey and looks like little fish eyeballs. Yummy!

Hard Core Plan: Now, for those of you who want to look like Heidi Klum/Ryan Gossling this summer, here’s what I personally am going to do: Chia seeds with water only and cinnamon for breakfast. Replace my lunch with another juice. Replace my dinner with the protein shake  or another juice.  I plan to do this Monday thru Friday afternoon. Until summer vacation. I did the above illustrated plan before, but not as extreme as the one I plan to try now. I’d really just like to do a juice fast, but I know it’s not something I can realistically stick with.  Not with all the farewell parties coming up, four kids and a high stress job. One day I’ll give it a try. Maybe that will be round three. New Year’s resolution time.

The weekends for me can be a bit more relaxed. For sure I will have at least one large juice each day and a fun meal or drinks or whatever. But still, no grains, sugar or dairy.

Wait, one more thing. The coconut oil. I’ve been swishing coconut oil around in my mouth for 20 minutes a day. I do it in the shower. It’s called oil pulling (really?) and is massively disgusting, but is said to remove toxins from your body. After 20 minutes you just spit it out. Of course I’m trying it. You know me. Couldn’t hurt.

Eating healthy is hard. Dieting is hard. Weight loss is hard. But the hard part is not forever. Lose the weight and then figure out a maintenance plan that works for you. Wow, I feel like some sort of sales person selling a diet book. Thankfully, I’m not. I’m just a 40 year old chubster who needs major self motivation to stay on the right track.  Let me know if you give it a try, I’ll be curious to hear about your results. Here’s to using it AND losing it! Ass be gone!

It's amazing what all this juicing has done for my hair and skin! Ha ha. Here's my current "before" shot.

It’s amazing what all this juicing has done for my hair and skin! Ha ha. Here’s my current “before” shot.


Almond Banana Chocolate Chip Muffins

I just posted this on a friend’s blog and thought, why not mine? My friend made these the other day and they were off the charts! My, oh, my what a healthy treat! I don’t have the chocolate chips (which are unsweetened by the way) so I’m going to try these tonight with raisins to keep it Whole30. For my B-ville friends, I got coconut oil spray here in town at Billie’s. I’m out of almond butter so am going to try cashew butter. SO EXCITED! Enjoy!

Oh, and am on Day 17 of the Whole30 and still going strong. Took the kids to Burger King today (has an indoor play place and it was raining). I ate a DRY chicken, apple, cranberry salad and it wasn’t terrible. Never thought I’d say that!

Hey, if you didn’t watch the video on my previous post, go do it now. It just keeps cracking me up!
Almond Banana Chocolate Chip Muffins

3/4 cup almond butter
1 cup almond flour
3 medium ripe bananas, mashed
2 eggs
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon (optional – I love cinnamon)
1/3 cup plus more for topping muffins Enjoy Life Chocolate Chips (Dairy-Free, Soy Free, Gluten-Free) – I find mine at Whole Foods

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  Spray a muffin pan with coconut spray (found at Whole Foods – love).
In a mixing bowl, combine all ingredients except chocolate chips and mix everything is incorporated.  Now stir chocolate chips into batter.  Pour batter into prepared muffin tin filling all 12 cups evenly.  Top muffins with a few additional chocolate chips.
Bake for 20 – 25 minutes, or until golden and a toothpick inserted in center comes out clean.  Let the muffins cool and remove from pan.  And enjoy!!

Yep, it’s the pants. Divert your eyes!

I cannot think of a time in my life when I have worked so hard to lose weight. My mouth has never been so bored eating. My stomach has never felt so…unsatisfied. My mind has never felt to stressed out about FOOD.  And yet, the pounds just don’t come off. Over the past couple of months I’ve heard stories of friends who are going to Weight Watchers and losing two pounds a week while, “eating whatever I want.” I’ve heard stories of friends who, “Stopped eating bread for a week and lost 5 pounds.” I’ve done the exact same diet (Belly Fat Cure Fast Track) to a T with a friend who  lost 5 pounds in the first week, while I gained one. My mom did it with me while she was visiting, and didn’t lose weight, but called me two days after we’d finished and she’d returned home and said, “How strange, I’m back to my diet of granola in the morning and cookies for my snack and now I’m at 127!” She’d lost 5 pounds too.  Am I a genetic freak of nature? Is this rash all over my body simply a sign that I’m allergic to a healthy lifestyle? Do I just need a damn Ho Ho?

Here is the low down on what I’ve done over the past 90 days to lose weight and get in shape.

1. Alcohol consumption one night on our anniversary. Crystal Light Margaritas. Zero sugar. Cooked meal at home of fish and steamed veggies.

2. Out to dinner two times for Mexican food (my weakness). Both times ordered steak with a side of vegetable soup. No rice, no beans, NO TORTILLA CHIPS. Drank water.

3. Ran and trained for a 5K. Still running 2-3 miles 3 x’s a week or more.

4. Upped the intensity at Crossfit (hence the ripped up hand), and added one more day a week. So, 4x’s a week now.

5. Have eaten a total of 2 pieces of bread in 90 days. No potatoes, no rice, no sugary fruits.

6. Began taking a mix of healthy oils such as coconut and fish daily.

7.  Tried adding cottage cheese to my diet before bed to ‘Keep the metabolism stoked.” Didn’t work.

8. Tried consciously cutting calories for two weeks and began logging all food on My Fitness Pal, to stay at 1,200 calories a day, which I easily did and was frequently under due to my exercise level. Didn’t work. Actually gained. Apparently due to this whole “body in starvation mode” crap that I’m so sick of hearing about. “Maria, you’re fat because you don’t eat enough.” Maybe it’s true and this is coming from my skinny friends who have it all pulled together, but COME ON ALREADY. I was eating plenty before and that is what got me here in the first place. Sigh.

9. *update* Forgot about a sinful weekend away in Houston visiting Judy Booty. We drank a lot of beer, but I was too hungover the next day to eat, so maybe it was cancelled out?

Well, that is about it. I’m tired, hungry, bored and 8 lbs away from my goal to go to Vegas NEXT WEEK. Not so thrilled with my progress. I’ve got to be missing something? Anyone? Anyone? I remember before my HS reunion last summer I was like, “Oh, I’ll do Atkins for a couple of weeks so that I look good in my dress.” I ate steaks, drank vodka, chowed down on cheese, bacon and peanut butter. Did not do a single ounce of exercise and I weighed in at 125 wearing a loose size 6. Nice.

Now here I sit at 138. I did start at 145 some time ago though. As far as my weight loss contest, my starting weight was 143. So down 5 lbs is not a complete failure, but for all I’ve done, it seems meager. Pathetic actually. So here is the picture in the pants. You be the judge. I’ll post one in the sports bra, white shorts get-up as well for those of you who are looking to burn your eyeballs out of your head.

almost buttoned! Almost being the key word here….

I look like a fat WWF woman wrestler.

Tonight we are going to a friend’s house for dinner. She texted me asking what kind of beer I’d like. Told me not to make a dessert because she’s already made Key Lime Pie bars. Now, do I just say F*** it and eat the food? WIll that finally allow me to lose some weight? Will I be able to say, “Oh look at me, I lost 5 lbs by drinking beer and eating Key Lime Bars. It just melted right off.”  Or do I stick with what I’ve been doing and suck it up for one more week?


If I had been a caveman, I’d have lasted about a week and not because I’d have been eaten by a T-rex either. Because I’d have died of starvation. I’d have been the fattest person ever to have died of starvation. Fattest, because I’m now convinced that eating leaves and other torturously healthy foods has a direct impact on the expansion of my ass.  I know, I know, give it time, blah blah blah.  I’m happy to “give it time” if I’m simply cutting back on calories or adding in an evening stroll, but by only eating all this food that tastes like the blandest of all blandness, I don’t think so. Bitter you ask? Why yes, I am. I spent an entire week neglecting household chores, my children and What Not To Wear, holed up in my little kitchen cooking away like freaking Paula Dean. Only she gets the fun of sampling all her treats where I just would look at the food thinking, “I have to eat this healthy crap for dinner?” If one more person tells me it’s a “lifestyle,” not a “diet,” I’m gonna stuff an almond meal and blueberry cowpie down their throat. Then ask them how they are enjoying their “lifestyle.”

Well, as all good yo-yo dieters do, I’m on to a new diet! Whoo hoo! It’s the Belly Fat Cure! Now this dude knows what real people eat. He has the same views on good health, limited sugar and fortunately uses a lot of the same ingredients. I guess I can take the coconut oil back out of the medicine cabinet for now (it’s good for the hair and skin too.)

Check it out and let me know if you’ve tried it. Belly Fat Cure. I have to admit, I’m just excited to be able to eat cheese again.

One of my blogging buddies has motivated me to get off my butt and try out a 5K. He has had tremendous weight loss results.  So I’ve roped in a friend and we are going to sign up tonight to do the Color Run in Tulsa on June 23rd. Now I haven’t run that far in close to 10 years. I don’t run anymore, unless I’m being chased. I figure I’d better start though in case I have to out run a tornado. Don’t laugh people. Haven’t you seen Twister?

Today’s Revelation

Today a friend of mine casually mentioned to me that when she did Crossfit for three months on Saturdays ONLY, her butt became so lifted that not only could she bounce a quarter off it, but her cellulite had vanished. I have been going for SEVEN months. Averaging 3X’s a week.  Did you hear me? SEVEN! And look at me!! Do you know what this means, people? Well, I’ll tell you what it means.

It means that underneath all this disgusting fat, I look like freakin’ Heidi Klum!!! Maybe even better! How exciting! Who knew? Best day ever.

Oh, and I ran twice around the neighborhood and drank my kale, coconut oil concoction. Ha! I bet Heidi didn’t do that today.


“Put the lime in the coconut and drink it all up!”

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Coconut oil. The truth shall set you free. I’m gonna swim in it, drink it, bathe with it and maybe even marry it. I’m sure Coy will totally be fine with it. Because who doesn’t want a hot wife?  It is after all, like the fountain of youth in a bottle (or in my case, an ugly plastic jar with white, solidified oil). Imagine all the money we’ll save on my plans for Botox, a future facelift and skin care products? Is something that has 15 grams of saturated fat per serving, really going make my cholesterol go down and my energy go up? Is it really going to give me Rapunzel locks and make a quarter bounce off my ass? Check it out and let me know what you think.

My friend Suzy, you know the hot mom of four I told you about, makes her Shakeology shake every morning with Flax seeds, Kale and Coconut oil added to it. Plus other gross stuff I can’t remember. So I figured if I want to look like Suzy (who, by the way, ruined me and my “I look this way cuz I’ve had 4 kids,” excuse), I’d better eat the same gross stuff she does. Before I can buy Shakeology, I need to see if I can do this whole shake thing, so here’s what’s been “shakin'” on my end. Suzy and my Crossfit instructors are all going to do a mental head slap with this one. Doh!

After Crossfit this morning, I stopped by Walmart and bought some Special K pre-mixed protein shakes. Same stuff as Slim Fast. It has 28 grams of carbs and 18 grams of sugar. Paleo and Suzy, no-no’s. But the thought of dragging my kids into a GNC with all those pill bottles to touch and carefully stacked pyramids of protein powders to climb on, was just too much to handle after yesterday. Anyway, I poured one in my Ninja, threw in a handful of kale (gag), a scoop of Flax seed, and finally a big ol’ scoop of solidified coconut oil. Then a half a banana, some ice and some Baileys. Don’t judge, it was just sitting there again and I made this for dinner, not breakfast, so it was like squeezing in dessert at the same time. I’m quite efficient like that.

It was pretty good and I feel healthier already. Plus the Baileys had the added effect of relaxation, which in turn reduces stress, which then causes your body to produce less Cortisol, which then will make your waistline smaller. See the genius in all of this?  I’ll probably be getting a call from the Shakeology people thanking me for this great weight loss tip. I think their next shake flavor should be Key Lime Coconut Oil Pie. I’m thinking Malibu Coconut Rum……Yup, I’m sure they will be calling me any day now. Most likely with a job offer in their marketing department or better yet, as a taste tester. “Put the lime in the coconut and drink it all up!”  Go ahead, click on those blue words. I dare you.