Sponge Bob- Babysitter, teacher and household sponge. What more can I ask for?

Here I sit at 6:30 am on a Sunday morning with a pathetic, two margarita hangover, watching Sponge Bob and snuggling with two of the cutest little nose pickers on earth. Ok, now add the sweetest little girl ever. We tried the whole “keep em up up late so that they will sleep in” maneuver which, of course, didn’t work. Never works. Never has.

Thank God for TV. I have no idea how parents did it before the invention of the Square God (rectangle, actually but that just doesn’t sound right.) What in their right minds gave them the incentive to  reproduce after having the first? I guess the idea was to eventually have a bunch of little farmers so that the parents can one day kick back with a nice glass of moonshine while their little army of tots clean out the chicken coop. Hmm, maybe we should get a farm? Or some chickens? Anyway, without TV, who else is going to teach your kids and babysit for free? You’d be surprised by the valuable lessons learned from a Sponge Bob episode. He’s a household sponge, with seemingly no parents, who maintains a part-time job, and a positive can-do attitude, all while living in a pineapple under the sea. Thought provoking, complex and deep man, deep.

Here is a commercial from the UK that I think every potential parent or randy little teenager should watch. Ha ha ha. Loved it!

Starting tomorrow, Monday, I’m putting on my running shoes. Very excited. Coy is cleaning all the crap off my iPhone today, then I’m downloading a C25K running app. It tells you how far to run each time and prepares you for running a 5K in 8 weeks.  AND shrinks your ass at the same time! I feel so much better about my eating habits now that I’ve taken the pressure off of following a specific diet. All of my research and trial and error diets, have really taught me about what to eat and what not to eat. Yesterday while at WalMart, I couldn’t help but look at what people were putting in their carts. I wanted so bad to tell the overweight lady in her drivable shopping cart that those “low fat” packaged snacks she was loading up on were actually loaded with sugar. Knowledge is power and I feel powerful and in control today. Now that is a good way to start the day, pathetic hangover and all.

“Rest, drink fluids and take it easy.” Yeah, I’ll get right on that.

Picture your worst hangover (minus the puking of your organs)… now put on a bra made of lead, a DDD…. finally imagine that you are slowly being poisoned to death. That is how I feel today. Actually, how I’ve felt for about a week. Been twice to the doctor. Blood tests: fine. Chest X-ray: fine. Mono test: fine

I felt so bad that I had to have my friend Deidre come and watch my kids for a couple of hours so I could sleep today. Now that is a great friend. Ultimately, the Dr. told me to “Rest, drink fluids and take it easy.” Seriously? I’m sure I mentioned the fact that I have 4 kids under the age of 7.

So I’ve put some thought to this as well as received a second opinion from Dr. Google. Here are my thoughts….

* There is no way Coy is poisoning me. He’d have to wait at least a good 5 more years before that, a babysitter for 4 kids is really expensive.

* Since I can’t chase after the kids, I was considering buying some of those electric shock collars. With a remote I can use from the couch.

* Being sick is a blessing in disguise. I have no appetite and you all know what that means. Woot! Woot! I’m for sure going to drop a few pounds. Too bad I’m not puking also. I never get the good illnesses.

Ok, well that is it for now. I can’t make dinner, fold laundry, or do dishes for my family, but I can blog when I’m sick. Hmmm, that’s not going to score me any sympathy points at the home front. See what an addict I’ve become? Truth be told, I feel like big shit. Were talking buffalo sized. But blogging about it today is the one thing that has made me smile. On the inside.

Yo-Yo! Check this out.

My most significant diet escapades, here in print for your entertainment. Only the most significant, because of course I was also always dieting in between. I am the perfect example of the Yo-Yo dieter. Does this scenario sound familiar to any of you?

Freshman 15. After 3 months of dorm food and beer, I  cut out what we were told was the enemy….FAT. I ate Frosted Flakes with skim milk for breakfast., along with a side of toast with full sugar jam. NO eggs or bacon, way too much fat. For lunch I’d have a sandwich of turkey with mustard. Or sometimes just a mustard sandwich. Or more Frosted Flakes. Dinner was always a huge bowl of pasta with marinara NO cheese. Snack was anything labeled “fat free” or the occasional fruit. And of course, copious amounts of keg beer. I really mean copious. I’m talking keg stands, beer bongs……. Heck, why not? It’s “fat free!” I worked out 4x’s a week and lost 15 lbs in 2 months.

Post marriage. Gained an instant 10 lbs. This time we were told to eat no carbs. Atkin’s to the rescue.  I avoided all grains or anything that even touched a grain. Breakfast was eggs, bacon and cheese. Lunch was more eggs, bacon and cheese. Dinner was duh, cheese. Ok, so I did eat some chicken and other meats but NO fruits or veggies, they had too many carbs. I worked out 4x’s a week and lost the 10 lbs in a month.

Birth of children, last being twins. Just stayed 15 lbs too fat. Bet you thought this would make the “significant” list. Just too damn tired to give a shit. And without beer, would never have survived.

Oh crap, High School Reunion. Needed to lose that 15 lbs. Did the no carb thing again since it was still being talked about ALL THE TIME. Lost it all in a month. Looked fab for the event, then the next day ate a pancake, looked at a grilled cheese sandwich and smelled a donut. Go figure, it was all back and some.

Moved to Bartlesville. Gained 16 lbs. Did the Master Cleanse (lemonade diet) for 10 days. It said I would lose up to 20 lbs. NO food. Only lemon juice with cayenne pepper and maple syrup. Lost 4 lbs. But shockingly, this was the best I’d ever felt on a diet and my skin looked great! But never again, that’s for sure. Oh and that 4 lbs I lost? I found them and 2 of their friends.

Now it’s no sugar. Sugar is poison. Sugar makes you fat. Speaking of fat, apparently, you can eat saturated fat now if it comes from a coconut. It will make you lose weight. And carbs are still a no-no, but eating a meal of just bacon and cheese 3x’s a day is also a no-no. Damn. The funny thing is I have done the no sugar thing and no carb thing for a cumulative 4 weeks and actually gained weight. I “cheated” a few times but no big whoop.

So, listen up people! I’m almost 40. I’m overweight, have dry hair and wrinkles, am tired all the time and I REFUSE TO TAKE IT ANYMORE. What is the solution, you ask? I’m going to do the Maria Plan, not Diet, but Plan. I plan to take what I have learned from all of these experiences and follow what works, what feels good, and what I can realistically do without ending up in an asylum. No more diets for me. Ever. And, no, I’ve never said that before. I think in the past I’ve actually enjoyed a new diet challenge. Obviously. “Oh, beer has no fat? I love this no fat diet!” “Bacon and cheese all the time? No carb diet, I love you!” “I’ll lose 20 lbs by drinking a total of 3 bottles of maple syrup in 10 days? Lemonade Diet, you sound good to me!”

My PLAN consists of this until the end of time or Dr. Oz tells me otherwise:

1. No artificial sweeteners

2. Check labels to limit high levels of hidden sugars

3. Avoid packaged foods as much as possible

4. No drive thru unless on a road trip or someone else is buying (don’t want to be rude)

5. Flour carbs are for special occasions or unless someone else makes/buys them for you (good manners, girl!)

Ok, that is it for now. Not setting any hard to master (for me) rules yet like “protein with every meal.” or “1/2 the plate should be veggies.” or “drink 8 glasses of water a day.”  Hopefully, they will come with time.

See this ass people? Well, you can kiss it goodbye!

Pull it together girl!

If Britney can pull it together after this….

When Britney attacks

If John can get a date after this….

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If Bill can regain respect after this….

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Then I can lose a  measly 15 pounds. I mean COME ON! If I don’t do something tomorrow (because it’s Monday, start a diet day of course) I’m going to have to rename my blog bungeecordpants.

So here is my plan starting tomorrow.

Diet: Follow the basics of BFC by sticking to 6 servings of carbs a day and 15 grams of sugar. The only difference this time is I’m only going to reach those numbers if I have to and by way of whole grains and vegetable carbs. Sugars should be coming from my fruit only. 6 cups of water. 1 C of green tea. 1 scoop of my protein powder. 1 scoop of my super green antioxidant powder.

Workout: 

M-W-F 5:30am Crossfit workout.

3X’S a week C25K running (or whatever they tell me to do.)

Now, since it’s Sunday and obviously I’m starting my diet tomorrow (you all know that rule), I’m going to relax with the last of my Michelob Ultras (compliments of my neighbor who reads this blog….saboteur!). Must get all temptations out of the fridge, for support.

Beer curls. See, always thinking.

"Look ma, low carbs!"

Does my thumb look green to you?

Ok, I feel a bit better today. This girl, KitchenRN’s Blog, did the same diet for 7 weeks and lost not one pound. People respond differently to foods and apparently, I have some sort of allergy to health food that makes me swell in the waist, butt and thighs. Don’t roll your eyes at me! You all saw my most recent picture, correct? It must have been all that damn cauliflower.

Now, although I plan to follow my gut and engage in a full fledge junk food binge (in an attempt to loose weight per my above allergy), my kids on the other hand will continue eating all the healthy food that nature intended. You know that “fat gene” people talk about? If it really does exist, I’m sure I’ve got it in me. I’ve had to  work my ass off my whole life to stay in some sort of reasonable weight range. I used to hate it (back when I was somewhat skinny) and people would say stuff like, “If I was as skinny as you, I’d eat whatever I wanted!”or “You’re SO lucky.” or “It must be nice to be naturally skinny.” or “You’re obsessed with working out.” Um, piss me off. If you want to look good, and feel good, well MOST of us have to work damn hard at it. With that being said, I’m going to try to put myself back into that frame of mind again. If not for me, for my kids. After my junk food trial, of course.  Check this out, complements of Danny. So, so funny and true!

Today I took Reeve, Maddox and Kaia with me to Lowe’s to buy gardening tools and flowers. I have never gardened a day in my life, but I think the neighbors were about to call the show Curb Appeal if I didn’t take action fast. I asked for some help and the guy showed us some really pretty, pink flowers. “Now these ones need a delicate touch,” he says as Reeve and Maddox each grab a handful of petals and try to shove them down the back of my pants. Pass. “These ones need water 2-3x’s a day.” Pass. “These ones need to be watered under the petals.” Pass! Pass! Pass! Maddox then knocks over some sort of unfortunate looking white floral plant and it spills all over the floor. Um, we’ll take some of these. Ten plants that he said I couldn’t possibly kill, $200 worth of gardening tools, and three soaking wet kids (garden center sprinklers came on) later, we headed home. Now everything is in a huge pile on the front lawn and I can’t be bothered to do anything with it. I’m sure the neighbors love that. But, at least it gives them hope. Plus, I have no hose or watering can. Gardening is dumb, expensive, dirty and I hate it. I need a Twinkie. Or vodka. Or Ryan Gosling to come pull my weeds.

I put on the damn pants.

Updated my weight on the scale and put on the pants. Check them out under the Evil Scale and Before and After. So depressing. Also, today while trying to wrangle a birthday balloon out of the ceiling fan, I fell and landed on my shoulder blade/neck region. Coy walked in the room and stepped right over me. I guess he thought I was just taking a nap in the middle of the floor or something.  Don’t worry, it’s ok to laugh. It wasn’t the only stupid thing I did today. Eating the whole carton of my “sugar free” ice cream was even stupider. Thank God this day is over in an hour and a half. Thank God.