Dumb people do the Master Cleanse. Idiots do it twice.

 

That was my FB status today. Yep. Did it again. Lost about 3 pounds, and 3 days later, I found them…. with their friends, next to the enchiladas. This was supposed to be my year of change. Focusing on health and well-being. I told my self I was doing the cleanse just to clean out the pipes and make a fresh start, but really, I just wanted to lose 10 pounds.

I turn 40 this September and want to do something great, like get my boobs done or maybe some inner thigh lipo. Ooooooh, thigh lipo. In reality, I’ll probably just buy a Genie Bra and some mom jeans.

Speaking of fatties, the challenge is on once again with Fat Tom and I. It goes until June, so I’ve got time to do this the right way. He, of course, has lost over 10 lbs already. All I need to do is pop a few Twinkies in the mail to fix that one.

I found a nice lady down the street who sells dried bats! Low carb AND paleo! I bet Fat Tom doesn’t have a bat lady.

Bag O Bats

Bag O Bats

Has anyone tried the honey and cinnamon diet drink? I’ve just heard about it again from another friend and one said she was going to try it. The jury is still out. Let me know if it has worked for you.

I think I’ll stick to the low carb street snacks that they have here in China. So many options, and with all the shells, tails and heads to maneuver around, I’m bound to eat less volume.

Lunch on the street. Scorpions and seahorses!

Lunch on the street. Scorpions and seahorses!

With living in China, you’d think I’d be so skinny. I still believe it’s going to happen. We have our 10 year wedding anniversary this summer, a trip to Bali planned and my 40th. Now if those things are not motivation to look my best, then I don’t know what is. My new goal is simple: Lose a pound a week. That would be 26 lbs by summer and our trip to Bali. Now, I have no desire to lose 26 lbs, but 20 would be a dream! That would put me at a healthy 120 pounds. Just right for my 5’2″ frame.

Ok, fingers crossed that this VPN keeps working and I get  back on the blog wagon. I know you’ve all been missing me bitch and moan about my fatness! What’s my next crazy diet attempt? I don’t know yet, but you, my friends, will be the first to hear about that. Aren’t you just thrilled?

Don't ask....

Don’t ask….

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Go big or go home!

Let me start off with my ultimate Paleo-faileo last week. At Crossfit we are doing another health/fitness challenge. You get 45 points for 45 days. Each day that you screw up, you lose one point. WELL, of course my brain looks at it this way. “Why lose a point at the END of the day by eating one cookie, when you could have lost that same point and enjoyed a FULL day of donuts, pizza and beer?” Go big or go home!

So here is what happened. Coy and I went out with our friends for a night of dinner and drinks. Obviously, I pigged out all day leading up to the evening, since it’s only one point down the drain. That night we got back to the house at 11:30pm and in my Bud Light induced state of mind, I realized that I still had 30 minutes left of my point loss day to eat something forbidden. So your thinking pizza, cookies, more beer, block of cheese, bag of chips…you know, the usual drunk binge foods, right?

No such luck. I’d already eaten all that yummy food earlier in the day. No junk was to be found. I was determined to eat something that was not allowed, so I went all out and opened a can of Save Mart Refried Beans. No legumes allowed on Paleo. I proceeded to eat them cold, straight out of the can. With a fork. Standing over the sink, in my bathrobe. Coy walked by me and made a disgusted face. I think I may have mumbled something like, “You know you want some.”Nice.

As far as how I’m doing on the challenge? I’ve gained 7 lbs. Yep yep. Coy has left for China so it’s just me and the four kiddos. Life is a bit stressful with the impending move. One car sold, one to go. Only one person has come to see the house and keeping it clean and tidy with four little kids underfoot is no easy task. But hey, it will all get done and eventually we’ll get on that plane even if it’s not done. I’m trying my best to keep up on the working out and healthy eating. RIght now, it’s one foot in front of the other!

Almond Banana Chocolate Chip Muffins

I just posted this on a friend’s blog and thought, why not mine? My friend made these the other day and they were off the charts! My, oh, my what a healthy treat! I don’t have the chocolate chips (which are unsweetened by the way) so I’m going to try these tonight with raisins to keep it Whole30. For my B-ville friends, I got coconut oil spray here in town at Billie’s. I’m out of almond butter so am going to try cashew butter. SO EXCITED! Enjoy!

Oh, and am on Day 17 of the Whole30 and still going strong. Took the kids to Burger King today (has an indoor play place and it was raining). I ate a DRY chicken, apple, cranberry salad and it wasn’t terrible. Never thought I’d say that!

Hey, if you didn’t watch the video on my previous post, go do it now. It just keeps cracking me up!
Almond Banana Chocolate Chip Muffins

3/4 cup almond butter
1 cup almond flour
3 medium ripe bananas, mashed
2 eggs
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon (optional – I love cinnamon)
1/3 cup plus more for topping muffins Enjoy Life Chocolate Chips (Dairy-Free, Soy Free, Gluten-Free) – I find mine at Whole Foods

Instructions:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  Spray a muffin pan with coconut spray (found at Whole Foods – love).
In a mixing bowl, combine all ingredients except chocolate chips and mix everything is incorporated.  Now stir chocolate chips into batter.  Pour batter into prepared muffin tin filling all 12 cups evenly.  Top muffins with a few additional chocolate chips.
Bake for 20 – 25 minutes, or until golden and a toothpick inserted in center comes out clean.  Let the muffins cool and remove from pan.  And enjoy!!

Take that, Magic Mike!

Did anyone happen to notice the Whole30 badge that appeared today on the side of my blog? Yes, I’ve started the Whole30. I was motivated to do so by my fellow blogger and friend in Paleo-Faileos (ahem, chocolate covered potato chips anyone?),  girlmeetspaleo. I started off my diet eating an avocado, then a tomato, then some black coffee and now a few eggs… Boring? Why, yes, it is! Then I looked at her blog and saw all these amazing recipes! Cherry Chipotle Chili…. Chicken Strawberry Macadamia Salad… Oh my! If only I had the time. I’m a stuff and run kinda girl. Stuff it in my pie hole, try to remember to chew and run out the door, or after a kid, or to hide in the closet.

I will, however, live vicariously through her. And maybe even try out some recipes once the kids head back to school. My friend Julie, from Crossfit, has joined me in the Whole30 and of course, Fat Tom and I are in the midst of planning our next friendly challenge. This time it won’t be about pounds lost, but about hitting goals. For example, I want to run another 5K and see if I can do it under 30 minutes. I’d also like to be able to do a few pull-ups without tearing the shit out of my hands. Anyone else want to join in? Let’s start feeling good! Danny? Oh, Danny? 😉

For your viewing pleasure:

Here is a photo of Fat Tom at his 40th birthday party in Vegas, attempting some Magic Mike action. Don’t worry, they booted him off the stage once he started on his belt buckle! This photo made Facebook, so figured, why not my blog! Whoo hoo! You’re welcome, Tom. Maybe you’ll get a whole new crowd of followers! Just doing my part.

Gluten or chocolate? Either way, I’m screwed.

So the crazy skin allergy continues to ravish my body. Normally, I wouldn’t object to being ravished, but this is just too much. I went back to the doc today and he said he thinks it’s a sudden onset of celiac or a gluten intolerance. He suggests that since I ate a reduced gluten diet while in China (lots of veggies, meat and daily rice), combined with my age of 38, can lead to gluten issues. He said that my returning to America to stuff myself with every gluten filled sandwich, donut, bagel and pasta under the sun, and then to suddenly strip it from my diet again (Paleo), can have it effects. He said an allergy can develop overnight. Basically, I could have screwed myself over, big time.

The only other thing I can think of is chocolate. I was eating dark chocolate when the shit really hit the fan. I’ve stopped now, and am still itchy,  but am feeling much better. I did eat ONE (ok, three) chocolate chip cookies yesterday and had a horrible stomach ache and started itching all over.

So today he took some blood and is sending me to an allergist tomorrow.

On a good note, For the past three days I have taken a water retention pill and weighed in at…….133.6lbs!! This morning. Naked. After the DRAMATIC effects of drinking a cup of Lacy’s Super Dieter’s Tea. Now, none of that does a damn thing for my fat loss, but at least I’m now three pounds away from getting on that flight to Vegas on Saturday!!!

Tomorrow I go in for my body fat test #2 to see the real status of my fatness. I’ll keep you posted because I KNOW there couldn’t possibly be anything more interesting in your life right now that checking in on my body fat%.

Bacon and Marinara Meatloaf

If you liked the pizza, check out Danny’s latest. Bacon and Marinara Meatloaf. I have to agree with his Facebook followers in regards to the photo…. however, his zucchini noodles were so awesome and his pizza divine, I’ll for sure be giving this one a try. Let him know what you think!

Someone give that girl a spray tan!

Put on your sunglasses because you are about to be blinded once again by my extreme whiteness. The color I feel I most resemble is Non-Fat Milk. I’ll have to write to Crayola about  that. Now that they have their multicultural skin color collection box, I feel discriminated against. Not everyone has perfectly pigmented skin. What about a flecked crayon with built-in freckles? Everyone knows that when you try to draw freckles with a crayon, the person just looks like they have chicken pox. So here are my current stats to date.

Weight: 140 (down 5 lbs)

Waist: 37in down to 35.5in. (down 1.5 inches)

Workout: Past 2 weeks total, Crossfit 5X’s, running 10x’s for 30 min.

Eating: 1 “cheat” meal that included mashed potatoes, bread, 2 beers and berry cobbler. A couple sneaky bites here and there of dumb stuff like Goldfish crackers, or Jif peanut butter. Otherwise, cooked a few Paleo style meals, tried out Danny’s Cauliflower Crust Pizza, and mostly had low carbs, meat,  veggies and berries. Am I hungry? Hell yeah. Would I chew my own arm off? If it was made of birthday cake, just maybe.

Ok, sunglasses on? Here you go! Be sure to look at my No Shame To My Game page to compare and see if you notice any changes…or lack there of.

Not sure what that blob of fatness is under the sports bra, but I’m gonna guess it’s some form muscle working its way up to my chest. Here’s hoping. In case you were wondering what my abs looked like about 2 1/2 years ago… well here you go. These bad boys have come a long way, baby!

Pass the cheese dip please!

One too many cheeseburgers, I’m guessing!

Now if that doesn’t get me some sympathy points, I don’t know what will. Ha ha ha. Be sure to check out Danny’s page. He should be posting his picture sometime today as well. Thanks everyone for your comments, it really helps keep me motivated and on track. I would say “sane” as well but clearly anyone who would post pictures like this for the world to see has not an ounce of sanity left. My poor husband.