21 twinkies + 19 beers = 1 fat blogger

Ha ha ha. A post by Fat Tom, who is in fact, this weekends’s birthday boy in Vegas! SOunds like we are all in for some good times!


21 twinkies + 19 beers = 1 fat blogger.


The results are in!

Well, the weight loss results are in at least. I didn’t make it to my goal of 130 for the trip, but after getting my body fat test re-done today, I have learned some valuable information. The  original goal I had of 130 was actually too low. Had I starved myself and not built any muscle mass, I bet I could have reached it. My body fat went down by 3.9% which now puts me in the “normal” range for my height. AND I love that the weight that was lost was FAT and very little muscle. I plan to keep up the intensity until I reach my goal. My new goal of having a fat mass of 20lbs. No more weighing in on the scale for now (ha, who am I kidding, I’ll still be on it everyday). I just want that body fat % to keep dropping.

Here are my results after one month of dedication.

Before                                        Now

Weight:     143                            135

Body Fat:  27.6%                        23.7%

Lean Mass: 103.53lbs                 103lbs

Fat Mass:    39.47lbs                   32lbs

Whoo hoo! That means I’ve lost 7.47lbs of PURE, DISGUSTING, SQUISHY, SQUASHY FAT! So should I go to Vegas even though I didn’t hit the mark?

Today I went to the allergist who tried to do a skin test on me, but I was too “reactive” all over. They said they’d have to take blood instead. Blood yesterday, and more, lots more, today. Awesome! I’m sure I’ve lost at least another pound in blood.

His diagnosis:  I’m either allergic to something or have some sort of virus that is causing hives. Really? You think? I just thought that it was normal to walk around looking I got attacked by a raccoon.  Not my best look, let me tell you.

I can only imagine how AWESOME I will look stuffed into in my slightly too small bikini, all pasty white, covered in scratches and blotches. I meant to go shopping for a new bikini. I also meant to get a bikini wax and a spray tan. Vegas is SO not ready for this show!

Gluten or chocolate? Either way, I’m screwed.

So the crazy skin allergy continues to ravish my body. Normally, I wouldn’t object to being ravished, but this is just too much. I went back to the doc today and he said he thinks it’s a sudden onset of celiac or a gluten intolerance. He suggests that since I ate a reduced gluten diet while in China (lots of veggies, meat and daily rice), combined with my age of 38, can lead to gluten issues. He said that my returning to America to stuff myself with every gluten filled sandwich, donut, bagel and pasta under the sun, and then to suddenly strip it from my diet again (Paleo), can have it effects. He said an allergy can develop overnight. Basically, I could have screwed myself over, big time.

The only other thing I can think of is chocolate. I was eating dark chocolate when the shit really hit the fan. I’ve stopped now, and am still itchy,  but am feeling much better. I did eat ONE (ok, three) chocolate chip cookies yesterday and had a horrible stomach ache and started itching all over.

So today he took some blood and is sending me to an allergist tomorrow.

On a good note, For the past three days I have taken a water retention pill and weighed in at…….133.6lbs!! This morning. Naked. After the DRAMATIC effects of drinking a cup of Lacy’s Super Dieter’s Tea. Now, none of that does a damn thing for my fat loss, but at least I’m now three pounds away from getting on that flight to Vegas on Saturday!!!

Tomorrow I go in for my body fat test #2 to see the real status of my fatness. I’ll keep you posted because I KNOW there couldn’t possibly be anything more interesting in your life right now that checking in on my body fat%.

Yep, it’s the pants. Divert your eyes!

I cannot think of a time in my life when I have worked so hard to lose weight. My mouth has never been so bored eating. My stomach has never felt so…unsatisfied. My mind has never felt to stressed out about FOOD.  And yet, the pounds just don’t come off. Over the past couple of months I’ve heard stories of friends who are going to Weight Watchers and losing two pounds a week while, “eating whatever I want.” I’ve heard stories of friends who, “Stopped eating bread for a week and lost 5 pounds.” I’ve done the exact same diet (Belly Fat Cure Fast Track) to a T with a friend who  lost 5 pounds in the first week, while I gained one. My mom did it with me while she was visiting, and didn’t lose weight, but called me two days after we’d finished and she’d returned home and said, “How strange, I’m back to my diet of granola in the morning and cookies for my snack and now I’m at 127!” She’d lost 5 pounds too.  Am I a genetic freak of nature? Is this rash all over my body simply a sign that I’m allergic to a healthy lifestyle? Do I just need a damn Ho Ho?

Here is the low down on what I’ve done over the past 90 days to lose weight and get in shape.

1. Alcohol consumption one night on our anniversary. Crystal Light Margaritas. Zero sugar. Cooked meal at home of fish and steamed veggies.

2. Out to dinner two times for Mexican food (my weakness). Both times ordered steak with a side of vegetable soup. No rice, no beans, NO TORTILLA CHIPS. Drank water.

3. Ran and trained for a 5K. Still running 2-3 miles 3 x’s a week or more.

4. Upped the intensity at Crossfit (hence the ripped up hand), and added one more day a week. So, 4x’s a week now.

5. Have eaten a total of 2 pieces of bread in 90 days. No potatoes, no rice, no sugary fruits.

6. Began taking a mix of healthy oils such as coconut and fish daily.

7.  Tried adding cottage cheese to my diet before bed to ‘Keep the metabolism stoked.” Didn’t work.

8. Tried consciously cutting calories for two weeks and began logging all food on My Fitness Pal, to stay at 1,200 calories a day, which I easily did and was frequently under due to my exercise level. Didn’t work. Actually gained. Apparently due to this whole “body in starvation mode” crap that I’m so sick of hearing about. “Maria, you’re fat because you don’t eat enough.” Maybe it’s true and this is coming from my skinny friends who have it all pulled together, but COME ON ALREADY. I was eating plenty before and that is what got me here in the first place. Sigh.

9. *update* Forgot about a sinful weekend away in Houston visiting Judy Booty. We drank a lot of beer, but I was too hungover the next day to eat, so maybe it was cancelled out?

Well, that is about it. I’m tired, hungry, bored and 8 lbs away from my goal to go to Vegas NEXT WEEK. Not so thrilled with my progress. I’ve got to be missing something? Anyone? Anyone? I remember before my HS reunion last summer I was like, “Oh, I’ll do Atkins for a couple of weeks so that I look good in my dress.” I ate steaks, drank vodka, chowed down on cheese, bacon and peanut butter. Did not do a single ounce of exercise and I weighed in at 125 wearing a loose size 6. Nice.

Now here I sit at 138. I did start at 145 some time ago though. As far as my weight loss contest, my starting weight was 143. So down 5 lbs is not a complete failure, but for all I’ve done, it seems meager. Pathetic actually. So here is the picture in the pants. You be the judge. I’ll post one in the sports bra, white shorts get-up as well for those of you who are looking to burn your eyeballs out of your head.

almost buttoned! Almost being the key word here….

I look like a fat WWF woman wrestler.

Tonight we are going to a friend’s house for dinner. She texted me asking what kind of beer I’d like. Told me not to make a dessert because she’s already made Key Lime Pie bars. Now, do I just say F*** it and eat the food? WIll that finally allow me to lose some weight? Will I be able to say, “Oh look at me, I lost 5 lbs by drinking beer and eating Key Lime Bars. It just melted right off.”  Or do I stick with what I’ve been doing and suck it up for one more week?

Man Hands. Viewer discretion is advised.

Gross. Thought I’d share a sample of my allergic reaction I’m going through. It migrates to different parts of my body every 10 minutes or so. The Dr. said, “I can’t believe it’s changing right before my eyes.” Working out is not super fun with a hot, burning, itchy rash popping up all over your body. Trust me when I say, “all over.” 

Then to top it all off, I ripped the skin on my hand while doing pull ups at Crossfit. Sure, I’ve seen other fanatical fitness freaks of nature who do that. They just put some tape or that white powder stuff on their hands and keep going. But, of course, they are doing hundreds of “real” pull ups. I did five. AND with a giant rubber band thing to assist me. Naturally, I quit right there on the spot and ran around showing everyone my injury. The instructor said, “Welcome to Crossfit.” He felt bad for me and my pathetic attempt at trying to look like a cool Crossfitter.

Now I’m probably going to lose my entire hand or at least a few fingers due to the staff infection I’m sure to have contracted. I tried to wash my hand, but it hurt too bad so I just slapped a band-aid on over the whole dirty mess. Keep in mind, the “whole dirty mess” is about the size of a dime.

I never wanted to tear up my hands and have some sort of rite of passage into Crossfit. I just want to look cute in my clothes and God willing, a bikini?? Is that too much to ask? Now instead, I’ll look like that chick from Seinfeld who ripped up chunks of her bread at the table. Remember her? Man Hands. I have become Man Hands.

No! Not the tomato!

Just got up out of bed at midnight…in a Benadryl/Prednisone induced coma, due to a mystery food allergy….. all so I can eat one of the tomatoes that my neighbor grew in his garden. No, I didn’t climb the fence (but I would have), he brought them over earlier this week. I can’t stop thinking about them. All red and juicy, sprinkled with salt for maximum water retention in my hips….. Lord have mercy. If I find out it’s these tomatoes I’m allergic to, life is over for me as I know it, because I will then be walking around with hives all over my body until the end of time. They are THAT good.

The tomatoes and dark chocolate are the only “new” things I’ve eaten this week and the Dr. said, “It’s an allergic reaction to something you have ingested.” I can’t believe I’m saying this, and going against the greatest sweetness of all time, but PLEASE don’t be the tomato!

Bring it on, Fatness!

Check out my plan for next week. Monday-Thursday is all planned out.

Breakfast: 2 boiled eggs

Snack: artichoke or string cheese

Lunch: chicken and broccoli or brussels sprouts

Snack: celery or yellow bell peppers

Dinner: steak and mushrooms

Everything is about one serving. If my gut does not shrink this week, then I’m turning my body over to science since I’ll be considered a freak of nature.

Oh, throw in Crossfit and/or running. Every damn day.

I feel skinnier just looking at it all.

Wish me luck. I really don’t know what my kids will do without me if the scientists have to lock me up with the monkeys.

Speaking of monkeys, here are mine at the splash pad and eating watermelon on the 4th of July. That big monkey in the middle will be just THRILLED that I posted his picture on my blog.

splash pad