“Hey Daaaanny boy!”

Just wanted to let Danny know that while he was tucked all cozy under his duvet, snoring away this morning, I did:

20 push ups

100 jump ropes

20  air squats

45 squat lift things with 25lb bar

45 atomic situps ( I used the GHS for 3/4)

ran  1/2 mile (800M) at Crossfit

ran 2 miles (3.2K) more once I got home

Just thought you’d like to know…….. All before 7am.

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Battle Of the Fat Bloggers

Week one of the Battle Of the Fat Bloggers is over and I’m feeling pretty confident. Not exactly sure why I feel that way, but I do.  Caveman Danny and I are both in it to win it and I love a little friendly competition. I offered him my muffin top, but he graciously declined. Too many carbs I’m guessing. We have decided to not post pictures every week, every other instead. As much as you were dying to see me in all my half naked glory, you will have to wait until next Monday. Well, for as much shit as I’ve already given Danny, he still so kindly has sent me lots of Paleo recipes to try. I cooked up those zucchini noodles for the fam tonight and everyone ate them. I sort of screwed them up (no shocker there) but they were edible, even by my 2yr olds.

I’ve been super good about the C25K running. I’m on week six now and it’s getting really hard. Funny, because I used to run 3 miles a day in addition to my “real” workout (pre kids and marriage). Now I run/walk about 2 miles with one hand on my cell’s emergency call button. Not because I think I’ll be jumped or anything, more like I think I’ll keel over. So, while I was huffing up a slightly elevated slope on my jogging path, singing Miley Cyrus’s “The Climb” (True story. The slope…the climb…. I was in the groove baby), I was jolted out of my Teen Superstar fantasy by a man waving his arms yelling, “Stop! Snake!” There it was, about 5 feet in front of me. A gigantic, blood-thirsty, highly venomous python-like snake, posing as a log, just waiting to eat me. I don’t know my snakes but I’m thinking… python, or cobra for sure. There was no way around him. A fence to the left and bushes filled with this anaconda’s family to the right. The snake alerter decided to abandon me and jump the fence. I, of course, am too fat and out of shape to jump the fence, so I did what every jogger who encounters a snake should do. No, I didn’t throw rocks at him. I actually just calmly asked him to please go back into his bush so that I could pass.  And he did. And I jogged home.

Not a very climatic ending, I know, but there is a point here. I may have discovered my calling. I think I may in fact be a Snake Whisperer. Or most likely I just can speak Snake. Either way, how exciting is that? I wonder if I’ll be getting my own TV show? Now I’ve really got to get skinny, I’m gonna be a star!

So Caveman Danny cooked this up last night and thought I’d share it. I’ll give it a try this weekend. Zucchini noodles? Who knew?

Two Cavemen, One Diet

 

Sometime last month I bought rather large Paleo Recipe eBook and last night I cooked my first meal out of it… There are some 407 pages in this book and an array of different Paleo recipes to try… Not sure why it has taken me quite so long to find something out of it to eat… I think because most of the recipes have a recipe within them – for example some mustard chicken dish – 1 part of the process is turn to page whatever and make the home made mustard… fuck off… cant I just buy it?

Anyway… the dish I went for was simple and easy and well it DID require you to make your own basil pesto – which I was happy to do, alas Jay didn’t have any kind of food processing device – bottled pesto it is… delightful. I will however add the…

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The only “pull-up” I want to do is at a drive thru window.

Today at CrossFit I tried (more like considered) doing an actual pull up. The board said we were supposed to do 18.  I thought, people who do pull-ups are mega fit. People who do pull ups are light as a feather. People who do pull-ups do NOT look like me. But wait a minute, I bet  Caveman Danny probably does pull-ups too, so why can’t I? I mean, this is a competition, right?

Just as I was about to stack up a bunch of weights and do some jumping pull-ups (as my warm up, naturally), the ring leader, Brian walked by. I asked him what alternatives there were to doing pull-ups. He said I could row on the rowing machine until it says I’ve burned 20 calories. I thought he meant 20 calories per pull-up. He meant 20 calories TOTAL.

Do you know what this means? Do the math people! That is about 1 calorie per pull-up!! Who in their right mind would want to do a ridiculous pull-up for a mere one calorie burn? Hanging there like a limp wet noodle, then kicking your legs like you’ve just had an electric taser shot up your ass, followed by some gorilla like grunt as you hoist your chin up over the bar that is already covered with some other person’s chin sweat? For ONE calorie? Not me I tell you. I can think of many more ways to efficiently burn 20 calories today…..

1. Walk with the kiddos to Braums (ice cream place) (-100 cal), eat an ice cream (+180), walk back home (-100 cal). Total burned: 20 calories.

2. Fold the 4 loads of laundry that reside on my sofa.

3. Make all 5 beds in the house.

4. Eat some celery and grapefruit while watching Housewives of Orange County.

5. Give myself a mani/pedi.

I bet you can guess which one of those options I’ll be choosing. Actually, I’ve probably just burned 20 calories from all the typing and heavy duty thinking I’ve had to do for today’s blog post. Come to think of it, I should probably give myself a little snack. I’ll post all my diet and workout stats on Monday. I bet for the first time you will be impressed, by me.  Until then, send me some love or better yet bit of fun to keep me motivated.

The pants are on again! Barely.

Seriously people, have you ever heard of someone who started a public weight loss challenge and never even lost one pound? Or better yet, how about someone who starts a weight loss blog and actually gains weight? Well then, I’m your girl!

Oh boy do I have a treat for your viewing pleasure!  Not only will you get to laugh your ass off at a photo of me squashed into those damn pants again, but you also get a bonus surprise photo! Now I’ll warn you, if you frighten easily, or have an aversion to viewing large, beached marine life, you may not want to open up the bonus photo.

Caveman Danny and I have started up a challenge. A body transformation challenge. We both have events coming up at the end of July that we’d like to look fab for. We are going to post our pictures every week and share what we are doing to become so hot. And HOT we will become! I’ll be sure to link his blog to mine each Monday so you can witness his transformation as well. Caveman Danny’s Blog. Go check him out. Heckling is encouraged.

I know what you are thinking, “Maria, you’ve been saying the same shit for two months now  and you still look like you’ve been existing on a diet of donuts and pizza.” Why is this time different? Because I get a trip to VEGAS if I reach my goal! So here is the plan:

Eat Whole 30. Sleep 8 hours a night. Drink a protein shake in the morning and a supergreen juice for a snack. Take a probiotic (balance the gut) and Biotin (to make my hair and nails pretty). Add benefiber to my liquids. Drink water all the live long day.

Workout like a maniac. M-W-F 5:30AM Crossfit, T-TH-Sat 6:00AM (or while kids are napping) workout video at home, M-F evening, train for my 5K which is in June. 10 push ups, 25 sit ups, and 30 second plank every stinkin’ day.

Sounds easy enough, right?

My “Before and After”  page has now been renamed, “The Pants.” You can see my monthly sausage shot on that page. My new page is called “No Shame To My Game.” The title is self explanatory once you open it.  This is where you’ll see the weekly challenge shots. The pages are at the top, in black, under the giant shot of my gut. Oh my. I truly…. Have. No. Shame.