Use it AND Lose it… Ass be Gone!

Often times I see great plans for rebooting your system, cleaning out toxins, losing weight and feeling good. Great plans, but way too complicated for my lazy bones to stick with. I personally hate cooking (ok, hate the shopping, preparing, cleaning and the thinking involved). Also, it’s really hard to find the right ingredients here in China (Hmm, this is green…must be kale??). Plus I’m too damn lazy. Plus I could care less about baked salmon soufflé with a low carb, pine nut-lemon zest cream sauce. That’s what restaurants are for. AND if I was willing to put forth the effort to make that shit in the first place, I’d never have gotten fat to begin with. I like easy, grab and go, filling and energizing. I don’t really care if it even tastes that good. I save those yummy treats for meals with my friends. My plan helps with weight loss, but most importantly, it controls blood sugar levels (found out I’m pre-diabetic, but that’s another post), it reboots your body and makes you look and feel amazing.

Well, here you go my friends. Here’s the plan. I’m starting again tomorrow with round two of weight loss mode. My goal is 120lbs by summer…that means I have 7 lbs to go. That’s nothing! At least from where I started. I’ve actually maintained my weight from my last post so trust me, it works! Don’t be left behind with a Big Mac in your hand wearing a swim skort this summer! (Or the only guy with a shirt ON.) Are you in? Let’s do this together!

My goals: to lose 7 lbs by 4th of July. To tone up the backside. To drink more water and get more sleep.

What you need: A good juicer,  one tub of chocolate or vanilla 100% whey protein and one of soy protein powder GNC, optional shaker bottle for quick mixing of powder, optional bag of Chia seeds (China friends, it’s at Oliver’s in HK), optional coconut oil, optional Barlean’s Superfruit Greens Powder (also at Oliver’s). I also take vitamin D, a vitamin B blend, iron, and magnesium.

Fruits and Veggies: Lemon, ginger root, celery, cucumber, green bell peppers, whatever dark green leafy stuff that looks good to you,

What to do: Exercise early in the morning before work or before the school drop off. Just suck it up and get it out-of-the-way. Do whatever you like. I power walk on my treadmill at 5am while watching some sort of non-animated show. It’s easy to get used to because you’ll feel awesome all day.

Drink a huge glass of water with lemon, or without if you’re too lazy to squeeze a lemon  like I am. I stand frozen at the water cooler and chug it down. Done. Hate drinking water, but I don’t move until the glass is empty. It’s like some sort of psycho mind game.

Before showering or anything, make your juice. One lemon, one lipstick sized chunk of ginger, one large cucumber and about six celery stalks. That is the daily base. Then add  one optional green pepper for zip and the rest is just whatever green things you have on hand. Keep stuffing it in the juicer until you have about enough to fill two tall glasses or the whole juicing pitcher. About the size of two Starbucks Grande cups. No measuring required. Just jam it all in. Then clean your juicer.

For those of you who just can’t stand the lack of sweetness, this is where the Barlean’s Superfruit Greens powder comes in handy. It’s really sweet, but has no real sugar. I don’t use it because I like the unsweetened juice now, but in the beginning, it was hard to swallow. Don’t be tempted to add fruit! All those fruity “green” drinks taste great, but fruit juice is loaded with sugar and that is not good if you want thigh gap. Ok, who am I kidding, I just don’t want thigh chafe. If you really want fruit, then eat it. At least you’ll get some fiber. Stay away from mangos and bananas. Try to stick with apples and berries.

More on fiber later….

My original plan that totally works: Drink your delicious juice (aka “Glass of Ass”) all morning long. You’ll be surprised how energetic you feel! No coffee needed! You’ll also be surprised how full you feel. Your body is getting all the nutrients it needs so it tells the brain to not send out hungry signals. Totally not kidding. Plus without the fiber, it’s like a straight shot of nutrients to the system. Your body does not have to work as hard to process the juice and it gives your organs a break. If you’re dying  to eat something, I’d grab a handful of nuts or a boiled egg, but it’ll slow down your results and the detoxification process.

Sometime around 1-2:00, make yourself a shake. I put two scoops into my GNC hand shaker bottle, add really cold water, then shake it up and chug it down. I alternate whey and soy, just in case my body likes one more than the other. You’ll be stuffed until dinner, in which case you’ll make better choices.

For dinner, eat whatever your family is having minus all rice, wheat, packaged foods, dairy,  dressings, sauces… ok, basically watch them eat and make yourself a salad with some sort of protein involved. It sucks, but so does having a fat ass.

Note on Fiber: If you don’t have fiber, you may feel constipated. I eat some Chia seeds everyday to get a high dose of fiber. The best way I find is as a pudding for breakfast or dessert. I mix 2 tablespoons (eyeball it) in a cereal bowl with about a 1/2 cup of almond milk. I add cinnamon and wait about 10 minutes. It gets all gooey and looks like little fish eyeballs. Yummy!

Hard Core Plan: Now, for those of you who want to look like Heidi Klum/Ryan Gossling this summer, here’s what I personally am going to do: Chia seeds with water only and cinnamon for breakfast. Replace my lunch with another juice. Replace my dinner with the protein shake  or another juice.  I plan to do this Monday thru Friday afternoon. Until summer vacation. I did the above illustrated plan before, but not as extreme as the one I plan to try now. I’d really just like to do a juice fast, but I know it’s not something I can realistically stick with.  Not with all the farewell parties coming up, four kids and a high stress job. One day I’ll give it a try. Maybe that will be round three. New Year’s resolution time.

The weekends for me can be a bit more relaxed. For sure I will have at least one large juice each day and a fun meal or drinks or whatever. But still, no grains, sugar or dairy.

Wait, one more thing. The coconut oil. I’ve been swishing coconut oil around in my mouth for 20 minutes a day. I do it in the shower. It’s called oil pulling (really?) and is massively disgusting, but is said to remove toxins from your body. After 20 minutes you just spit it out. Of course I’m trying it. You know me. Couldn’t hurt.

Eating healthy is hard. Dieting is hard. Weight loss is hard. But the hard part is not forever. Lose the weight and then figure out a maintenance plan that works for you. Wow, I feel like some sort of sales person selling a diet book. Thankfully, I’m not. I’m just a 40 year old chubster who needs major self motivation to stay on the right track.  Let me know if you give it a try, I’ll be curious to hear about your results. Here’s to using it AND losing it! Ass be gone!

It's amazing what all this juicing has done for my hair and skin! Ha ha. Here's my current "before" shot.

It’s amazing what all this juicing has done for my hair and skin! Ha ha. Here’s my current “before” shot.

“You have a beautiful snatch.”

Working out in China has proven to be harder than I had anticipated. I joined the one and only gym, and made it there one, and only one, time. I looked very impressive busting out some stellar Crossfit moves. One of the owners even walked by and said, “You have a beautiful snatch.” You don’t hear that one everyday! (FYI, if your mind is thinking dirty thoughts, shame on you, and go back and read some old posts to learn about the “snatch.”)

I joined the gym in a frantic panic to maintain what little muscle development I’ve managed to hang on to since moving here. Well, so much for that. I’ve not been back since and that was a month ago. The issue is, is that it’s too far away to walk to and I’m too lazy to call for a taxi every time I want to go. It’s not a big deal, getting a taxi, but the whole having to wait around for one to arrive, then explaining directions in Chinese….. The directions vaguely translate into this, “Take me go to exercise place near water where can buy fish. Very smell bad place. You know?” Yeah, I need to work on my Chinese a bit more. Unfortunately for me, if I just tell them the name of the gym, I get a blank stare. Most of them know where the stinky fish area is though. The gym keeps it’s windows open all day too, so we can all enjoy the smell of rotting fish and exhaust fumes. No wonder I’m not anxious to return.

It’s great to be back, though. We hired both our old ayi’s again, (aka: Nanny, housekeeper, chef, grocery shopper). We moved out of our hotel and into our house on the 20th, celebrated Kaia’s birthday on the 23rd, got our tree unpacked and up on the 24th, did Christmas then hosted a New Year’s Eve party. I’d say we hit the ground running. I’ve dropped off my resume at the local international school, fully recovered from my ruptured cyst, and have managed three times to go to the crappy little fitness room we have in our housing development. Each day I did 25 burpees, 25 pushups, 25 sit-ups and 25 squat/lunges. Then hopped on the good ole’ treadmill for 20 minutes. Not bad.

So Fat Tom is having one of his weight loss challenges to kick off the new year. Of course I joined in. Can never pass on a challenge. I roped in the hubs and my friend Liz. My starting off stats are beyond pathetic.

Starting weight as of January 2, 2013…… a hefty 145lbs. I think I just threw up a bit in my mouth.

I haven’t weighed myself since but we are supposed to weigh in every Monday, send Fat Tom our stats and then he updates us all on how everyone is doing. It’s costs $25 per person with a cash prize. Oh yeah. I want to use my prize money for some thigh lipo or an all you can eat buffet cruise… it’s a toss up. Either way, I’m already spending my winnings in my head. That’s what you do when you are as awesome at losing weight as I am. 😉

Today I’m in Hong Kong, hence the ability to blog. I’ll leave you with some pictures of life in in China, some shots from New Years and this here link to Fat Tom’s blog so you can see what our challenge is all about. And here we go again….

Wait. Strike that. It won’t let me upload photos. I need to figure this out. What a hassle. You’ll have to use your imagination for now.  Just picture me hunkered down next to a bag of dried bats, or eating mystery hot pot, or dressed as a sumo wrestler at Coy’s work party. Talk about a fatty!

Happy New Year everyone. I wish you all a year of good health, happiness and whittled middles.

Why you so fat?

“Why you so fat? Before you more skinny.”

“Oh, now you fat. Ha ha ha.”

“This one (pointing at my ass) more bigger.”

“You eat everyday Mc Donald’s?”

What can I say? Welcome back to China to me! The Chinese definitely have a way with “compliments,” that’s for sure. But, there is something to be said for honesty, right? I think it’s called, “Keep your “compliments” to yourself!” Ha ha.

During my blogging hiatus, I managed to pack on an embarrassing ten more pounds. I was/am absolutely disgusting. “Ohh, I’d better go to Taco Bell, who knows when I’ll get that again?” The same went for burgers, donuts, muffins… you name it, I ate it.

I did do a brief ten day cleanse through Advocare, but other than that, I worked hard on building this fat butt. Finally an achievement of impressive magnitude, literally. Sigh.

We just downloaded a VPN which will temporarily allow me to blog, go on FB, etc. Now you will get a chance to hear about life in China combined with details of how I once again got into my skinny jeans. With my track record, by the time that happens, skinny jeans will be out of style again. “One mom’s quest to be reunited with her WIDE LEGGED TROUSERS,” just  doesn’t sound like such a big feat, if you ask me.

A sneak peek into what’s in store for you, my devoted followers of my fatness……

This morning I called the front desk of the hotel where we are temporarily living, to tell them that we had too many mosquitos in the room. Five minutes later a team of men in full gas masks, HazMat jumpsuits, with hoses the width of my head attached to tanks of poison on their backs, were knocking at my door. “Hello lady, you leave now.” I was just standing there in my PJ’s and bathrobe. Mouth open. Ghost Busters? Somehow I convinced them to come back tomorrow. This time I’d better have my camera ready.

Whole30….Was it worth it?

Day 28 and I want to quit. I only have two more days to go but, if I drink another goddamn cup of black coffee, choke down another freaking boiled egg or even look at cauliflower, I think I might just rip someone’s head off. Probably my own.

I know I said it wasn’t about weight loss, HOWEVER, did any of you actually believe me when I said that? I didn’t even believe it. Turns out I lost a whopping 2lbs. Woop-de-shit. Who am I kidding? I wanted to lose like 10 lbs!

“I’m going to cut out all grains, sugar, legumes, dairy and alcohol for 30 days and not care if I don’t lose any weight.” Said NO ONE. EVER.

Tomorrow, I’ll go in for a body comp and see what shifted where. “Shifted” being the key word since I’m well aware that I still cannot get the damn pants on and my scale seems to agree with that fact.

So was it worth it? Let’s analyze this shall we?

Pros

* I realized that for 30 days I can suck it up and do just about anything

* The bowels seem to be in good form

* Reduced my sugar cravings

Cons

* Little weight loss

* So boring and antisocial that I cannot imagine making this an actual lifestyle

* Got me re-hooked on fruit (too much of it)

That is all I can think about since my brain has lost all ability to think clearly. That is also why I have not posted anything interesting lately. My mind and body just feel so blah, that I have no interest or motivation.  Is it from the diet?

Well, I’ll for sure finish it. Tomorrow is the last day. Then on Saturday the hubs and I are going out with another couple for dinner to celebrate all of our birthdays! I can only imagine the belly ache and hangover I’ll be experiencing Sunday morning. That, or my body, (and my pink liver), will be working so efficiently now that I’ll be feeling just fine. Ha ha. Here’s hoping.

* Adding this in a bit late… Was it worth it? I’d have to say yes. I’m pretty sure it’s done nothing but great things for my body ON THE INSIDE. But I witnessed a fast transformation of my friend who did it with me. She lost 7lbs in the first 10 days. She went on a crazy hiking trip and was unable to finish, but I can only imagine what she’d look like had she finished. I’m so glad she didn’t finish though, because I’d probably have to drop her as my friend due to insane jealousy.

After I return to the land of the living and eating, I’ll be back to blogging like the fool that I am. Hmmm, what diet to try next?

And by the way, we are moving back to China. 🙂 Soon.

Time for the pants! Shield your eyes, people!

After……..

1. Enduring 30 straight minutes of tears due to a dropped lollypop at the car wash (candy at 9:00am, I’ll have you know),

2. An hour of playing “spaceship” at the playground, where Mommy had to sit on a little rocking dinosaur that was going up her butt, and shout “Yes, Captain” about 1,000 times,

3. About being kicked out of the library AGAIN due to nuclear meltdown of Reeve. Maddox “touched” his Clifford book,

…… we finally made it home where my favorite babysitter, Kai Lan, was waiting for us. Kai Lan is the Chinese version of Dora. She comes on TV everyday and puts my kids into a silent trance for 30 whole minutes. You would NOT believe the amount of things I got done in those 30 minutes.

Now, for the moment you’ve all been waiting for (ha ha), the ridiculous picture of me in the damn pants. Ridiculous, because I should look way better in them by now. Especially since I’m on day 22 of the Whole 30. I’ve only lost 3 pounds so far, but didn’t I say, it wasn’t about the weight loss? Who am I kidding? That is just what us fatties say when we’re scared that we’ll screw up and not lose any weight. So I haven’t screwed up, but sure as hell have not lost a bunch of weight.

August 23, 2012

On a positive note, I still have no cravings for sweets or grains. Don’t get me wrong though. If there were no repercussions for eating sugar, I’d be downing a dozen donuts as we speak. Mmmmmm, donuts. I think that the rubber band does look like it’s not stretched out as far and I’m getting closer to securing those pants with an actual button. But still….

Ok, and here is the other grainy photo, but of me in the spots bra get up. Now this is just becoming embarrassing.

 

 

 

 

5, 4, 3, 2, 1!

5.

Last week I went to CrossFit 5X’s. That’s a record for me and I’ll do it again next week….and the week after. I’m trying to up the intensity and frequency, along with this  whole food diet and see what gets shaken up (other than my thighs and butt cheeks.) Has anyone tried the Whole30? Any advice?

Running has taken a backseat for now. I plan to sign up for another 5K here soon, just to keep the cardio in check. I have NO desire to become a runner, but I like the calorie burn and it feels pretty amazing once you are finished. “Once you are finished,” being the key words here. Otherwise, I DESPISE running. I’m thinking one of those fun Mud Runs might just be up my alley.

4.

Day 4 of the Whole30 Challenge. So far, I’m hanging in there. Sucking down my third cup of coffee with unsweetened coconut/almond milk. Not too disgusting. Am fully missing my heavy whipping cream that I usually put into my coffee, and my Truvia. My biggest issue though, is that I’m eating way too many calorie dense foods. Lots of nuts, almond/cashew butter, bananas, whipped coconut milk. Actually, all of those together sound almost good, like a crappy, health food freak sundae, but a sundae none the less! Starting on Monday, I’m going to log what I eat and try to keep the calories at around 1500. For those of you who are thinking, “What sort of insane diet are you trying out now?,” click on my badge (cool blogger lingo for that rectangle on my home page that says Whole30.) It helps to know that I have a friend doing it with me as well. A fellow mom/CrossFitter friend who also has a house full of kids, spaghetti, cheese, sugar and a hungry husband.

3.

Three more days until school starts for half my brood. I cannot even think of a word that expresses my sheer joy. It’s like the happiness of a childhood Christmas morning, times 1,000. No, times 1,000,000. My neighbors will be so happy to not have to listen to me screaming, “Stop screaming!!,” at my kids at 9:00 am. Ok, so they may still hear me at 8:30, but after that, it’s school time!

2.

Am very excited to have shopped at the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale. I never buy clothes, but try to hit up this sale once every year. Quality over quantity! It’s not all their old crap they are trying to off load, it’s the new Fall stuff. My order had free shipping, 40% off everything, PLUS, they honored the Oklahoma Tax Free weekend! It hasn’t arrived yet but I ordered some NYDJ (aka, cool mom jeans). I’ve never worn them before and I ordered two pairs in two sizes. An 8 and a 6. Hopefully, it’s the 8’s going back!

1. 

For the first time I can see that I’ve changed some habits for good. The sugar intake is in control (aside from donut binges that I have to sacrifice my own body for to spare my children’s lives). I’ve lost all desire for a sandwich or a bagel. It is not hard for me to bypass a latte for black coffee. AND, after one full year at CrossFit, I can officially say, I’m hooked on fitness once again. Oh, what a feeling! It’s taken me one full year to reach this point, but now that I’m in the driver’s seat, it’s time to look like I am as well.

The results are in!

Well, the weight loss results are in at least. I didn’t make it to my goal of 130 for the trip, but after getting my body fat test re-done today, I have learned some valuable information. The  original goal I had of 130 was actually too low. Had I starved myself and not built any muscle mass, I bet I could have reached it. My body fat went down by 3.9% which now puts me in the “normal” range for my height. AND I love that the weight that was lost was FAT and very little muscle. I plan to keep up the intensity until I reach my goal. My new goal of having a fat mass of 20lbs. No more weighing in on the scale for now (ha, who am I kidding, I’ll still be on it everyday). I just want that body fat % to keep dropping.

Here are my results after one month of dedication.

Before                                        Now

Weight:     143                            135

Body Fat:  27.6%                        23.7%

Lean Mass: 103.53lbs                 103lbs

Fat Mass:    39.47lbs                   32lbs

Whoo hoo! That means I’ve lost 7.47lbs of PURE, DISGUSTING, SQUISHY, SQUASHY FAT! So should I go to Vegas even though I didn’t hit the mark?

Today I went to the allergist who tried to do a skin test on me, but I was too “reactive” all over. They said they’d have to take blood instead. Blood yesterday, and more, lots more, today. Awesome! I’m sure I’ve lost at least another pound in blood.

His diagnosis:  I’m either allergic to something or have some sort of virus that is causing hives. Really? You think? I just thought that it was normal to walk around looking I got attacked by a raccoon.  Not my best look, let me tell you.

I can only imagine how AWESOME I will look stuffed into in my slightly too small bikini, all pasty white, covered in scratches and blotches. I meant to go shopping for a new bikini. I also meant to get a bikini wax and a spray tan. Vegas is SO not ready for this show!