Use it AND Lose it… Ass be Gone!

Often times I see great plans for rebooting your system, cleaning out toxins, losing weight and feeling good. Great plans, but way too complicated for my lazy bones to stick with. I personally hate cooking (ok, hate the shopping, preparing, cleaning and the thinking involved). Also, it’s really hard to find the right ingredients here in China (Hmm, this is green…must be kale??). Plus I’m too damn lazy. Plus I could care less about baked salmon soufflé with a low carb, pine nut-lemon zest cream sauce. That’s what restaurants are for. AND if I was willing to put forth the effort to make that shit in the first place, I’d never have gotten fat to begin with. I like easy, grab and go, filling and energizing. I don’t really care if it even tastes that good. I save those yummy treats for meals with my friends. My plan helps with weight loss, but most importantly, it controls blood sugar levels (found out I’m pre-diabetic, but that’s another post), it reboots your body and makes you look and feel amazing.

Well, here you go my friends. Here’s the plan. I’m starting again tomorrow with round two of weight loss mode. My goal is 120lbs by summer…that means I have 7 lbs to go. That’s nothing! At least from where I started. I’ve actually maintained my weight from my last post so trust me, it works! Don’t be left behind with a Big Mac in your hand wearing a swim skort this summer! (Or the only guy with a shirt ON.) Are you in? Let’s do this together!

My goals: to lose 7 lbs by 4th of July. To tone up the backside. To drink more water and get more sleep.

What you need: A good juicer,  one tub of chocolate or vanilla 100% whey protein and one of soy protein powder GNC, optional shaker bottle for quick mixing of powder, optional bag of Chia seeds (China friends, it’s at Oliver’s in HK), optional coconut oil, optional Barlean’s Superfruit Greens Powder (also at Oliver’s). I also take vitamin D, a vitamin B blend, iron, and magnesium.

Fruits and Veggies: Lemon, ginger root, celery, cucumber, green bell peppers, whatever dark green leafy stuff that looks good to you,

What to do: Exercise early in the morning before work or before the school drop off. Just suck it up and get it out-of-the-way. Do whatever you like. I power walk on my treadmill at 5am while watching some sort of non-animated show. It’s easy to get used to because you’ll feel awesome all day.

Drink a huge glass of water with lemon, or without if you’re too lazy to squeeze a lemon  like I am. I stand frozen at the water cooler and chug it down. Done. Hate drinking water, but I don’t move until the glass is empty. It’s like some sort of psycho mind game.

Before showering or anything, make your juice. One lemon, one lipstick sized chunk of ginger, one large cucumber and about six celery stalks. That is the daily base. Then add  one optional green pepper for zip and the rest is just whatever green things you have on hand. Keep stuffing it in the juicer until you have about enough to fill two tall glasses or the whole juicing pitcher. About the size of two Starbucks Grande cups. No measuring required. Just jam it all in. Then clean your juicer.

For those of you who just can’t stand the lack of sweetness, this is where the Barlean’s Superfruit Greens powder comes in handy. It’s really sweet, but has no real sugar. I don’t use it because I like the unsweetened juice now, but in the beginning, it was hard to swallow. Don’t be tempted to add fruit! All those fruity “green” drinks taste great, but fruit juice is loaded with sugar and that is not good if you want thigh gap. Ok, who am I kidding, I just don’t want thigh chafe. If you really want fruit, then eat it. At least you’ll get some fiber. Stay away from mangos and bananas. Try to stick with apples and berries.

More on fiber later….

My original plan that totally works: Drink your delicious juice (aka “Glass of Ass”) all morning long. You’ll be surprised how energetic you feel! No coffee needed! You’ll also be surprised how full you feel. Your body is getting all the nutrients it needs so it tells the brain to not send out hungry signals. Totally not kidding. Plus without the fiber, it’s like a straight shot of nutrients to the system. Your body does not have to work as hard to process the juice and it gives your organs a break. If you’re dying  to eat something, I’d grab a handful of nuts or a boiled egg, but it’ll slow down your results and the detoxification process.

Sometime around 1-2:00, make yourself a shake. I put two scoops into my GNC hand shaker bottle, add really cold water, then shake it up and chug it down. I alternate whey and soy, just in case my body likes one more than the other. You’ll be stuffed until dinner, in which case you’ll make better choices.

For dinner, eat whatever your family is having minus all rice, wheat, packaged foods, dairy,  dressings, sauces… ok, basically watch them eat and make yourself a salad with some sort of protein involved. It sucks, but so does having a fat ass.

Note on Fiber: If you don’t have fiber, you may feel constipated. I eat some Chia seeds everyday to get a high dose of fiber. The best way I find is as a pudding for breakfast or dessert. I mix 2 tablespoons (eyeball it) in a cereal bowl with about a 1/2 cup of almond milk. I add cinnamon and wait about 10 minutes. It gets all gooey and looks like little fish eyeballs. Yummy!

Hard Core Plan: Now, for those of you who want to look like Heidi Klum/Ryan Gossling this summer, here’s what I personally am going to do: Chia seeds with water only and cinnamon for breakfast. Replace my lunch with another juice. Replace my dinner with the protein shake  or another juice.  I plan to do this Monday thru Friday afternoon. Until summer vacation. I did the above illustrated plan before, but not as extreme as the one I plan to try now. I’d really just like to do a juice fast, but I know it’s not something I can realistically stick with.  Not with all the farewell parties coming up, four kids and a high stress job. One day I’ll give it a try. Maybe that will be round three. New Year’s resolution time.

The weekends for me can be a bit more relaxed. For sure I will have at least one large juice each day and a fun meal or drinks or whatever. But still, no grains, sugar or dairy.

Wait, one more thing. The coconut oil. I’ve been swishing coconut oil around in my mouth for 20 minutes a day. I do it in the shower. It’s called oil pulling (really?) and is massively disgusting, but is said to remove toxins from your body. After 20 minutes you just spit it out. Of course I’m trying it. You know me. Couldn’t hurt.

Eating healthy is hard. Dieting is hard. Weight loss is hard. But the hard part is not forever. Lose the weight and then figure out a maintenance plan that works for you. Wow, I feel like some sort of sales person selling a diet book. Thankfully, I’m not. I’m just a 40 year old chubster who needs major self motivation to stay on the right track.  Let me know if you give it a try, I’ll be curious to hear about your results. Here’s to using it AND losing it! Ass be gone!

It's amazing what all this juicing has done for my hair and skin! Ha ha. Here's my current "before" shot.

It’s amazing what all this juicing has done for my hair and skin! Ha ha. Here’s my current “before” shot.

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The TV goes where?

We finally decided on a house here in Shekou, China. It’s been newly renovated and has many lovely “decorations” such as….

1. A giant, marble, faux fireplace with the TV plugs inside it. Attached to the wall at the only location for the TV.  I asked where the TV goes since it’s too small to go inside the fireplace and it’s too high to put above the fireplace. She told me to buy a TV console and put it in front of the fireplace with the TV on it. Now why didn’t I think of that? When I asked her what “genius” came up with this idea, she answered with, “It was a team of geniuses.”

2. A new wall placed in the dead center of the playroom that is about 6 feet wide and goes from floor to ceiling. The wall is made out of twisted iron that looks like vines. Bonus! It’s painted shiny gold! Whoo hoo! Our very own climbing wall!

3. To match the gold climbing wall we also have floor to ceiling gold lamae curtains in every room. It’s like a big, shiny palace! How did we get so lucky?

4. Finally, I found the entertainment center console that was replaced by a fireplace. It’s now just off the kitchen being used as the pantry. They even hooked up the TV plugs there too! You never know when you’ll feel like watching a ping pong match while searching for a can of green beans!

They’ve simply thought of everything! Ha ha. Pictures to follow if Santa decides to bring me a real camera….

Other than house hunting, things are going well. I’m fatter than ever. My friend called me, “Healthy.” Another said, “You look better than when you were skinny.” Ha ha. Love them.

So what is my new diet plan you night ask? Because you KNOW I have a plan, right? Well, my friend and I ran into a guy here in Shekou who has recently lost a bunch of weight. He said it was from drinking a tea made out of cinnamon with black honey stirred into it? For real? The moment he left, my friend and I scoffed at  how ridiculous that was. Honey? It’s full of sugar! As if!

What did I do the very next day? Went out and bought honey and cinnamon. Yep. I’m a big FAT follower and as you know, will try just about anything. And it tastes sooooo good. After not having sugar for like, forever, it tastes ridiculously delicious. Look it up online. I did and was surprised at the positive reviews I read. People really seem to lose weight doing it.  Let me know if you want the recipe on what to do and I’ll write it out. This dude we saw swore that is all he did and said the fat just melted off of him. Apparently it’s a cure-all for many other ailments as well.

I wonder if I just put cinnamon on my Honey Nut Cheerios, if I’d get the same results?

5, 4, 3, 2, 1!

5.

Last week I went to CrossFit 5X’s. That’s a record for me and I’ll do it again next week….and the week after. I’m trying to up the intensity and frequency, along with this  whole food diet and see what gets shaken up (other than my thighs and butt cheeks.) Has anyone tried the Whole30? Any advice?

Running has taken a backseat for now. I plan to sign up for another 5K here soon, just to keep the cardio in check. I have NO desire to become a runner, but I like the calorie burn and it feels pretty amazing once you are finished. “Once you are finished,” being the key words here. Otherwise, I DESPISE running. I’m thinking one of those fun Mud Runs might just be up my alley.

4.

Day 4 of the Whole30 Challenge. So far, I’m hanging in there. Sucking down my third cup of coffee with unsweetened coconut/almond milk. Not too disgusting. Am fully missing my heavy whipping cream that I usually put into my coffee, and my Truvia. My biggest issue though, is that I’m eating way too many calorie dense foods. Lots of nuts, almond/cashew butter, bananas, whipped coconut milk. Actually, all of those together sound almost good, like a crappy, health food freak sundae, but a sundae none the less! Starting on Monday, I’m going to log what I eat and try to keep the calories at around 1500. For those of you who are thinking, “What sort of insane diet are you trying out now?,” click on my badge (cool blogger lingo for that rectangle on my home page that says Whole30.) It helps to know that I have a friend doing it with me as well. A fellow mom/CrossFitter friend who also has a house full of kids, spaghetti, cheese, sugar and a hungry husband.

3.

Three more days until school starts for half my brood. I cannot even think of a word that expresses my sheer joy. It’s like the happiness of a childhood Christmas morning, times 1,000. No, times 1,000,000. My neighbors will be so happy to not have to listen to me screaming, “Stop screaming!!,” at my kids at 9:00 am. Ok, so they may still hear me at 8:30, but after that, it’s school time!

2.

Am very excited to have shopped at the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale. I never buy clothes, but try to hit up this sale once every year. Quality over quantity! It’s not all their old crap they are trying to off load, it’s the new Fall stuff. My order had free shipping, 40% off everything, PLUS, they honored the Oklahoma Tax Free weekend! It hasn’t arrived yet but I ordered some NYDJ (aka, cool mom jeans). I’ve never worn them before and I ordered two pairs in two sizes. An 8 and a 6. Hopefully, it’s the 8’s going back!

1. 

For the first time I can see that I’ve changed some habits for good. The sugar intake is in control (aside from donut binges that I have to sacrifice my own body for to spare my children’s lives). I’ve lost all desire for a sandwich or a bagel. It is not hard for me to bypass a latte for black coffee. AND, after one full year at CrossFit, I can officially say, I’m hooked on fitness once again. Oh, what a feeling! It’s taken me one full year to reach this point, but now that I’m in the driver’s seat, it’s time to look like I am as well.

Moo, Moo Buckaroo

After several months of self banishment from the Land of Dairy, I have returned to it with a vengeance. Half a block of cheese, a quarter container of Cool Whip and heavy whipping cream in my coffee… for breakfast? Why not? I mean, according to my new weight loss miracle diet, The Belly Fat Cure, these things don’t cost me any of my daily allotted carb or sugar points (6 servings of carbs and 15 grams of sugar.) Of course it’s hard to “mind the serving size” when you are gnawing on the block of cheese and eating the Cool Whip straight out of the container. But, it’s much easier to chuck just one spoon into the sink and get away with leaving it there, verses a whole slew of dishes. No one cares about one measly spoon in the sink. If I’d used a knife, plate and bowl that would require opening the dishwasher, moving crap around to cram it all in, and since it’s already full, I’d have to run it… and whoever runs it, then has to empty it since the other person technically “didn’t know” you’d run it. See where this is going?

It’s Saturday morning, I have a bit of a hangover from my Michelobe Ultra’s (also allowed on the diet, no joke), and the kids have become baboons on crack due to being trapped inside with tornado warnings. To be honest, I don’t want to do anything but sit here on my fat, dimpled ass, with my single carb, no sugar serving of Dorito’s, cancelled out, of course, by my no sugar, zero calorie Zevia soda. If only I could find where the noise reduction headphones are to tune out all the tattling. “Moooooommy, Reeve hit me.” That would maybe help me control the urge to shout back,”Well, hit him back you wus!”

So yes, my love of all things dairy has taken over my every thought. I don’t think I’ll ever go back to drinking milk though. Almond milk does the trick and it’s so much better for you anyway. But cheese, oh my cheese. If I could only bring one thing to a deserted island, it would be you. Ok, you and my Peter Cetera’s Greatest Hits CD. Yeah, I’m cool like that.

I would like to say a special thank you to  Eric at healthdemystified for mentioning my blog on his list of

RISING STARS IN THE HEALTH AND FITNESS BLOGOSPHERE: Health and fitness bloggers who will entertain, inform, and inspire the world in 2012

He is a doctor who writes a fantastic blog that teaches you all about being healthy in a way  that is easy for us average, out of shape, fatties to understand. 🙂 I’m sure he is horrified by my pathetic diet attempts and illogical theories regarding food choices. I guess reading my blog is like watching an episode of Jersey Shore. You know it’s moronic, but you just keep on watching. So how did Snookie get so skinny anyway? I’m gonna try THAT next.