The pants are ON! I repeat…The pants are ON!

After two years of trying out, and failing at:  5AM Crossfit workouts, running, Paleo Diet, Master Cleanse (twice),  Dukan Diet, Hollywood Miracle Diet, writing down everything, using online calorie trackers, crazy weight loss challenges with Fat Tom, no carbs, no sugar, no processed foods, no soy, no gluten, NO FUN…I’d had it. Just freakin’ had it. Threw in the Twinkie and bought myself some Not Your Daughter’s Jeans in a US size 10. Why not? I’m 40 and have four kids. This is what I’m supposed to look like, right?

And that’s when it happened. Just as I’d given up on myself, some crazy Chinese guy wakes me up at 2:30AM with a knife and reminds me that I can’t give up. EVER. He reminded me that I’m strong, capable, smart and worth taking care of. Not to mention, have four kids and a husband who need a fit, healthy mom in the picture.

So do you want to know what this chubster’s been doing? I bought some protein powder from GNC, then I bought a juicer, then I stopped bitching and took control. Less than four months later, I’m in a US size 6. I went from 145lbs to 128lbs.  I can’t say it’s been easy, but it’s been easier than any other diet attempts I’ve ever, well….attempted.

I slowly worked my way into this routine, which is the one I’m sticking with until I lose my final 8lbs. I lost about a half to one pound a week.

Morning Juice:

  1. one lemon
  2. one large fresh ginger chunk the size of a lipstick
  3. a handful of celery stalks
  4. one cucumber
  5. a crap load of green leafy veggies (any kind)

No apple or other sweet fruit. It took me about two months to slowly phase out the apple. Sounds disgusting, right? At first it was. I called it Ass in a Glass. But the instant energy that drink gives me and the way I can feel it seeping into my cells is totally worth it. I read an article that explained how when you are not giving your cells the right nutrients, it signals your brain to eat more. Really, that’s it? Drink some nasty green juice and your brain tells your stomach that you are full. I drink the equivalent of two tall glasses. Just suck it up and suck it down.

Lunch: Leftover salad or cooked veggies from the school lunches at work and a Protein shake with double the serving of powder mixed with a single serving of water. That way it’s nice and thick and satisfying. Ok, so it’s still just a crappy protein shake, but it’s not as crappy as having a big, jiggly ass.

Snack: Boiled eggs, nuts, or the occasional granola bar or nothing

Dinner: Whatever I want. Heathy choices if I’m at home, and nachos, burgers, pizza etc when I go out (maybe once a week). If there is pasta or rice, I eat half the serving I would have had before and double up on the veggies and meat.

If I have a night out of beer and nachos, I avoid the bread, pasta and rice for the next couple of days to make up for it (minus the greasy hangover breakfast).

The thing is, I don’t actually think about any of this. I just do it. No worrying about it, no thinking about it, no talking about it all the time. Just doing it. I no longer weigh myself all the time either. So nice.

As far as exercise, I walk to and from work everyday. So maybe I get in about two miles a day. Again, not worrying about it. Just walking everywhere as if I’ve always done that. SO easy!

I will admit, the element of terror has  been a great self-motivator, but I wouldn’t recommend having your neighbor sneak into your house with a ski mask and a knife. Just take my word on it. Or, try watching the documentary Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead. That should be terrorizing enough. So here is the moment I’ve been waiting for. The pants! Even though I have 8lbs still left to go, I just couldn’t wait to share some pictures.  I think I’m going to keep that pink rubber band hanging somewhere as a reminder. A reminder to not give up. EVER.

Almost there!

The pants are on!

The pants are on! 

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Dumb people do the Master Cleanse. Idiots do it twice.

 

That was my FB status today. Yep. Did it again. Lost about 3 pounds, and 3 days later, I found them…. with their friends, next to the enchiladas. This was supposed to be my year of change. Focusing on health and well-being. I told my self I was doing the cleanse just to clean out the pipes and make a fresh start, but really, I just wanted to lose 10 pounds.

I turn 40 this September and want to do something great, like get my boobs done or maybe some inner thigh lipo. Ooooooh, thigh lipo. In reality, I’ll probably just buy a Genie Bra and some mom jeans.

Speaking of fatties, the challenge is on once again with Fat Tom and I. It goes until June, so I’ve got time to do this the right way. He, of course, has lost over 10 lbs already. All I need to do is pop a few Twinkies in the mail to fix that one.

I found a nice lady down the street who sells dried bats! Low carb AND paleo! I bet Fat Tom doesn’t have a bat lady.

Bag O Bats

Bag O Bats

Has anyone tried the honey and cinnamon diet drink? I’ve just heard about it again from another friend and one said she was going to try it. The jury is still out. Let me know if it has worked for you.

I think I’ll stick to the low carb street snacks that they have here in China. So many options, and with all the shells, tails and heads to maneuver around, I’m bound to eat less volume.

Lunch on the street. Scorpions and seahorses!

Lunch on the street. Scorpions and seahorses!

With living in China, you’d think I’d be so skinny. I still believe it’s going to happen. We have our 10 year wedding anniversary this summer, a trip to Bali planned and my 40th. Now if those things are not motivation to look my best, then I don’t know what is. My new goal is simple: Lose a pound a week. That would be 26 lbs by summer and our trip to Bali. Now, I have no desire to lose 26 lbs, but 20 would be a dream! That would put me at a healthy 120 pounds. Just right for my 5’2″ frame.

Ok, fingers crossed that this VPN keeps working and I get  back on the blog wagon. I know you’ve all been missing me bitch and moan about my fatness! What’s my next crazy diet attempt? I don’t know yet, but you, my friends, will be the first to hear about that. Aren’t you just thrilled?

Don't ask....

Don’t ask….