Use it AND Lose it… Ass be Gone!

Often times I see great plans for rebooting your system, cleaning out toxins, losing weight and feeling good. Great plans, but way too complicated for my lazy bones to stick with. I personally hate cooking (ok, hate the shopping, preparing, cleaning and the thinking involved). Also, it’s really hard to find the right ingredients here in China (Hmm, this is green…must be kale??). Plus I’m too damn lazy. Plus I could care less about baked salmon soufflé with a low carb, pine nut-lemon zest cream sauce. That’s what restaurants are for. AND if I was willing to put forth the effort to make that shit in the first place, I’d never have gotten fat to begin with. I like easy, grab and go, filling and energizing. I don’t really care if it even tastes that good. I save those yummy treats for meals with my friends. My plan helps with weight loss, but most importantly, it controls blood sugar levels (found out I’m pre-diabetic, but that’s another post), it reboots your body and makes you look and feel amazing.

Well, here you go my friends. Here’s the plan. I’m starting again tomorrow with round two of weight loss mode. My goal is 120lbs by summer…that means I have 7 lbs to go. That’s nothing! At least from where I started. I’ve actually maintained my weight from my last post so trust me, it works! Don’t be left behind with a Big Mac in your hand wearing a swim skort this summer! (Or the only guy with a shirt ON.) Are you in? Let’s do this together!

My goals: to lose 7 lbs by 4th of July. To tone up the backside. To drink more water and get more sleep.

What you need: A good juicer,  one tub of chocolate or vanilla 100% whey protein and one of soy protein powder GNC, optional shaker bottle for quick mixing of powder, optional bag of Chia seeds (China friends, it’s at Oliver’s in HK), optional coconut oil, optional Barlean’s Superfruit Greens Powder (also at Oliver’s). I also take vitamin D, a vitamin B blend, iron, and magnesium.

Fruits and Veggies: Lemon, ginger root, celery, cucumber, green bell peppers, whatever dark green leafy stuff that looks good to you,

What to do: Exercise early in the morning before work or before the school drop off. Just suck it up and get it out-of-the-way. Do whatever you like. I power walk on my treadmill at 5am while watching some sort of non-animated show. It’s easy to get used to because you’ll feel awesome all day.

Drink a huge glass of water with lemon, or without if you’re too lazy to squeeze a lemon  like I am. I stand frozen at the water cooler and chug it down. Done. Hate drinking water, but I don’t move until the glass is empty. It’s like some sort of psycho mind game.

Before showering or anything, make your juice. One lemon, one lipstick sized chunk of ginger, one large cucumber and about six celery stalks. That is the daily base. Then add  one optional green pepper for zip and the rest is just whatever green things you have on hand. Keep stuffing it in the juicer until you have about enough to fill two tall glasses or the whole juicing pitcher. About the size of two Starbucks Grande cups. No measuring required. Just jam it all in. Then clean your juicer.

For those of you who just can’t stand the lack of sweetness, this is where the Barlean’s Superfruit Greens powder comes in handy. It’s really sweet, but has no real sugar. I don’t use it because I like the unsweetened juice now, but in the beginning, it was hard to swallow. Don’t be tempted to add fruit! All those fruity “green” drinks taste great, but fruit juice is loaded with sugar and that is not good if you want thigh gap. Ok, who am I kidding, I just don’t want thigh chafe. If you really want fruit, then eat it. At least you’ll get some fiber. Stay away from mangos and bananas. Try to stick with apples and berries.

More on fiber later….

My original plan that totally works: Drink your delicious juice (aka “Glass of Ass”) all morning long. You’ll be surprised how energetic you feel! No coffee needed! You’ll also be surprised how full you feel. Your body is getting all the nutrients it needs so it tells the brain to not send out hungry signals. Totally not kidding. Plus without the fiber, it’s like a straight shot of nutrients to the system. Your body does not have to work as hard to process the juice and it gives your organs a break. If you’re dying  to eat something, I’d grab a handful of nuts or a boiled egg, but it’ll slow down your results and the detoxification process.

Sometime around 1-2:00, make yourself a shake. I put two scoops into my GNC hand shaker bottle, add really cold water, then shake it up and chug it down. I alternate whey and soy, just in case my body likes one more than the other. You’ll be stuffed until dinner, in which case you’ll make better choices.

For dinner, eat whatever your family is having minus all rice, wheat, packaged foods, dairy,  dressings, sauces… ok, basically watch them eat and make yourself a salad with some sort of protein involved. It sucks, but so does having a fat ass.

Note on Fiber: If you don’t have fiber, you may feel constipated. I eat some Chia seeds everyday to get a high dose of fiber. The best way I find is as a pudding for breakfast or dessert. I mix 2 tablespoons (eyeball it) in a cereal bowl with about a 1/2 cup of almond milk. I add cinnamon and wait about 10 minutes. It gets all gooey and looks like little fish eyeballs. Yummy!

Hard Core Plan: Now, for those of you who want to look like Heidi Klum/Ryan Gossling this summer, here’s what I personally am going to do: Chia seeds with water only and cinnamon for breakfast. Replace my lunch with another juice. Replace my dinner with the protein shake  or another juice.  I plan to do this Monday thru Friday afternoon. Until summer vacation. I did the above illustrated plan before, but not as extreme as the one I plan to try now. I’d really just like to do a juice fast, but I know it’s not something I can realistically stick with.  Not with all the farewell parties coming up, four kids and a high stress job. One day I’ll give it a try. Maybe that will be round three. New Year’s resolution time.

The weekends for me can be a bit more relaxed. For sure I will have at least one large juice each day and a fun meal or drinks or whatever. But still, no grains, sugar or dairy.

Wait, one more thing. The coconut oil. I’ve been swishing coconut oil around in my mouth for 20 minutes a day. I do it in the shower. It’s called oil pulling (really?) and is massively disgusting, but is said to remove toxins from your body. After 20 minutes you just spit it out. Of course I’m trying it. You know me. Couldn’t hurt.

Eating healthy is hard. Dieting is hard. Weight loss is hard. But the hard part is not forever. Lose the weight and then figure out a maintenance plan that works for you. Wow, I feel like some sort of sales person selling a diet book. Thankfully, I’m not. I’m just a 40 year old chubster who needs major self motivation to stay on the right track.  Let me know if you give it a try, I’ll be curious to hear about your results. Here’s to using it AND losing it! Ass be gone!

It's amazing what all this juicing has done for my hair and skin! Ha ha. Here's my current "before" shot.

It’s amazing what all this juicing has done for my hair and skin! Ha ha. Here’s my current “before” shot.


“Pass the feet, please.”

You don’t hear that one at most dinner tables, including mine. If you were at my table tonight you would have heard, “I want the foot! That’s not fair! He already ate the neck!” My kids are once again, officially Chinese Nationals. Their days of pizza and hot dogs are in the past and they are back to fighting over the innards more than the outtards. Gross. Why can’t I be like them? How many calories can possibly be in a boiled duck foot?

Kaia Duck foot Noah Duck foot

Maddox, at the tender age of three, just had his first foot massage last night. What is it with our family and feet? Of course, I asked for them to press on the weight loss pressure point for the entire 80 minutes. They politely ignored me and pretended that they couldn’t understand me. My Chinese translated to this; “Please you only this one, very long time push, make hurt, I want fat bye-bye, ok?” What’s not to understand?

Maddox and Kaia foot rub

I wanted to take this time to let you know that I have dropped out of Fat Tom’s The Biggest Loser contest. SInce I hadn’t yet paid my entry fee, see, already the Biggest Loser, I (and my other two fat friends), decided to donate it to a special cause instead. Tom just found out that his six year old daughter, Delaney, has leukemia. For those of you that have read his blog, you know that he is an amazing and highly entertaining writer. He has now started a blog about his daughter’s battle with cancer. I am complaining A LOT less these days, kissing my kids a lot more and am so in awe of this sweet little girl and her amazing family. Please feel free to pass his newest blog on to anyone who you think it could motivate, inspire or help. Also, prayers, well wishes and support from around the world can lighten any spirit. Delaney’s Blog

Fat Stats

Had my body comp measured yesterday and here are the results.

June 27, 2012        September 7, 2012

143 lbs                    136 lbs

27.6% body fat        22.6% body fat

39 lbs fat                  30 lbs fat

103 lbs muscle        105 lbs muscle

In about 2 1/2 months I:

Lost 9 lbs of FAT

Went down 5% body fat

Gained 2 lbs of MUSCLE

Overall, I’m happy. Ultimately, I want to just get down to a size 6, preferable before we move to China so I don’t need to buy a whole new wardrobe. Maybe this is the first time I’ve had so much muscle. I have a gut feeling that if I wasn’t doing CrossFit, my weight on the scale would be more like 130… I’m excited to see what is hiding under this final layer of blub. As I said before, my guess is Heidi Klum.

The Whole30 is officially over today. I haven’t gorged on anything bad yet. Am saving it for tonight. 🙂 Here is what I plan to take away from this experience.

* Only eat my favorite dairy on occasion. It’s not a daily food. Almond milk has double the calcium anyway.

* No grains unless someone else has made it and I don’t want to be rude. I don’t miss them at all. Or the occasional slice of pizza.

* Sugar. Well it’s just bad, so I’ll keep on reading my labels and being mindful.

* Legumes can be reserved for chili or Mexican dinners.

* NO more Truvia, diet sodas, Splenda or the like. Tastes gross and is like eating poison.

* Fruit is a-ok with me! But try to stick to berries and lower sugar fruits.

* Bacon, hot dogs? Sure! As long as I’m feeing my kids the nitrate free version. (Good luck finding that in China….)

* Chips, cookies, crackers…..see ya!

* Black coffee works for me.

* Booze… as needed. 🙂 Can you say, 4 kids under age 7?

Well, there you have it. Trust me, if I can do this, so can you. Although I was moaning about what little effect the Whole30 had on me, it turns out, it had a bigger impact than I thought. Even if I didn’t lose tons of weight, it got me back on track with eating healthy. It forced me to to look carefully at what I was putting in my mouth. AND most importantly, what I was putting in my family’s mouth.

So Whole30, YES, you are worth it.

“Rest, drink fluids and take it easy.” Yeah, I’ll get right on that.

Picture your worst hangover (minus the puking of your organs)… now put on a bra made of lead, a DDD…. finally imagine that you are slowly being poisoned to death. That is how I feel today. Actually, how I’ve felt for about a week. Been twice to the doctor. Blood tests: fine. Chest X-ray: fine. Mono test: fine

I felt so bad that I had to have my friend Deidre come and watch my kids for a couple of hours so I could sleep today. Now that is a great friend. Ultimately, the Dr. told me to “Rest, drink fluids and take it easy.” Seriously? I’m sure I mentioned the fact that I have 4 kids under the age of 7.

So I’ve put some thought to this as well as received a second opinion from Dr. Google. Here are my thoughts….

* There is no way Coy is poisoning me. He’d have to wait at least a good 5 more years before that, a babysitter for 4 kids is really expensive.

* Since I can’t chase after the kids, I was considering buying some of those electric shock collars. With a remote I can use from the couch.

* Being sick is a blessing in disguise. I have no appetite and you all know what that means. Woot! Woot! I’m for sure going to drop a few pounds. Too bad I’m not puking also. I never get the good illnesses.

Ok, well that is it for now. I can’t make dinner, fold laundry, or do dishes for my family, but I can blog when I’m sick. Hmmm, that’s not going to score me any sympathy points at the home front. See what an addict I’ve become? Truth be told, I feel like big shit. Were talking buffalo sized. But blogging about it today is the one thing that has made me smile. On the inside.