The pants are ON! I repeat…The pants are ON!

After two years of trying out, and failing at:  5AM Crossfit workouts, running, Paleo Diet, Master Cleanse (twice),  Dukan Diet, Hollywood Miracle Diet, writing down everything, using online calorie trackers, crazy weight loss challenges with Fat Tom, no carbs, no sugar, no processed foods, no soy, no gluten, NO FUN…I’d had it. Just freakin’ had it. Threw in the Twinkie and bought myself some Not Your Daughter’s Jeans in a US size 10. Why not? I’m 40 and have four kids. This is what I’m supposed to look like, right?

And that’s when it happened. Just as I’d given up on myself, some crazy Chinese guy wakes me up at 2:30AM with a knife and reminds me that I can’t give up. EVER. He reminded me that I’m strong, capable, smart and worth taking care of. Not to mention, have four kids and a husband who need a fit, healthy mom in the picture.

So do you want to know what this chubster’s been doing? I bought some protein powder from GNC, then I bought a juicer, then I stopped bitching and took control. Less than four months later, I’m in a US size 6. I went from 145lbs to 128lbs.  I can’t say it’s been easy, but it’s been easier than any other diet attempts I’ve ever, well….attempted.

I slowly worked my way into this routine, which is the one I’m sticking with until I lose my final 8lbs. I lost about a half to one pound a week.

Morning Juice:

  1. one lemon
  2. one large fresh ginger chunk the size of a lipstick
  3. a handful of celery stalks
  4. one cucumber
  5. a crap load of green leafy veggies (any kind)

No apple or other sweet fruit. It took me about two months to slowly phase out the apple. Sounds disgusting, right? At first it was. I called it Ass in a Glass. But the instant energy that drink gives me and the way I can feel it seeping into my cells is totally worth it. I read an article that explained how when you are not giving your cells the right nutrients, it signals your brain to eat more. Really, that’s it? Drink some nasty green juice and your brain tells your stomach that you are full. I drink the equivalent of two tall glasses. Just suck it up and suck it down.

Lunch: Leftover salad or cooked veggies from the school lunches at work and a Protein shake with double the serving of powder mixed with a single serving of water. That way it’s nice and thick and satisfying. Ok, so it’s still just a crappy protein shake, but it’s not as crappy as having a big, jiggly ass.

Snack: Boiled eggs, nuts, or the occasional granola bar or nothing

Dinner: Whatever I want. Heathy choices if I’m at home, and nachos, burgers, pizza etc when I go out (maybe once a week). If there is pasta or rice, I eat half the serving I would have had before and double up on the veggies and meat.

If I have a night out of beer and nachos, I avoid the bread, pasta and rice for the next couple of days to make up for it (minus the greasy hangover breakfast).

The thing is, I don’t actually think about any of this. I just do it. No worrying about it, no thinking about it, no talking about it all the time. Just doing it. I no longer weigh myself all the time either. So nice.

As far as exercise, I walk to and from work everyday. So maybe I get in about two miles a day. Again, not worrying about it. Just walking everywhere as if I’ve always done that. SO easy!

I will admit, the element of terror has  been a great self-motivator, but I wouldn’t recommend having your neighbor sneak into your house with a ski mask and a knife. Just take my word on it. Or, try watching the documentary Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead. That should be terrorizing enough. So here is the moment I’ve been waiting for. The pants! Even though I have 8lbs still left to go, I just couldn’t wait to share some pictures.  I think I’m going to keep that pink rubber band hanging somewhere as a reminder. A reminder to not give up. EVER.

Almost there!

The pants are on!

The pants are on! 

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Take that, Magic Mike!

Did anyone happen to notice the Whole30 badge that appeared today on the side of my blog? Yes, I’ve started the Whole30. I was motivated to do so by my fellow blogger and friend in Paleo-Faileos (ahem, chocolate covered potato chips anyone?),  girlmeetspaleo. I started off my diet eating an avocado, then a tomato, then some black coffee and now a few eggs… Boring? Why, yes, it is! Then I looked at her blog and saw all these amazing recipes! Cherry Chipotle Chili…. Chicken Strawberry Macadamia Salad… Oh my! If only I had the time. I’m a stuff and run kinda girl. Stuff it in my pie hole, try to remember to chew and run out the door, or after a kid, or to hide in the closet.

I will, however, live vicariously through her. And maybe even try out some recipes once the kids head back to school. My friend Julie, from Crossfit, has joined me in the Whole30 and of course, Fat Tom and I are in the midst of planning our next friendly challenge. This time it won’t be about pounds lost, but about hitting goals. For example, I want to run another 5K and see if I can do it under 30 minutes. I’d also like to be able to do a few pull-ups without tearing the shit out of my hands. Anyone else want to join in? Let’s start feeling good! Danny? Oh, Danny? 😉

For your viewing pleasure:

Here is a photo of Fat Tom at his 40th birthday party in Vegas, attempting some Magic Mike action. Don’t worry, they booted him off the stage once he started on his belt buckle! This photo made Facebook, so figured, why not my blog! Whoo hoo! You’re welcome, Tom. Maybe you’ll get a whole new crowd of followers! Just doing my part.

Fat Tom

Happy Easter everyone! In celebration of today’s holiday, I’d like to share with you all the blog of a very “special” friend (picture the Church Lady from SNL talking here.) He writes a blog under the category of Christian Humor.  I have tortured his soul and got his mind thinking with my quote, “I don’t know anything about Jesus, but I love reading your blog!” Something like that. It’s true though. If anyone is going to stir some interest in me with regards to religion, it’s my friend Tom. He is a gifted writer, hilarious, and he claims he was once a fatty, like me. If you didn’t pay your respects and go to church today, or you are just sitting on the couch reading this in a Peeps induced coma (like me), then check out his blog Fat Tom goes to Blogville, it will put a smile on your face this Easter.

Also since it’s Easter, I’d like to share some of my favorite books loosely (keep that in mind) based on religion. Now, if Tom knows some of my beliefs have also come from reading these types of books, he just may lose even more sleep tonight. Now, if only he’d start writing books.

The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver

The Red Tent by Anita Diamant

Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal by Christopher Moore (My ulto-fav)

Now let me  share with you my ultimate, unforgivable sins this Easter Day…

The Chocolate One

And The Lemon One

The Birdie Roll

Here are my Pale-NO’s for today. Chocolate and lemon bundts, Monkey Bread that I accidentally left out overnight to rise, and those little mutated things in the oven are supposed to be bread rolls shaped like birds. The poster on Pinterest said, “They are much easier than they look.” Her pants are SO on fire.

As you can see from my weigh in, I’ve gained a pound and that was before today’s Easter food extravaganza. For a day I gave up on Paleo. Even called it stupid, stupid, stupid on Facebook. BUT, with that said, I’m going to give it another go, but my way. Also, a friend mentioned a book she has been using to guide her though what she says is “the easiest diet ever.” So, of course I’m going to buy it and try it. I’ve tried everything else, why not? Maybe I should write a diet book just to make some quick cash. How hard can it be?There’s got to be a billion people out there like me, who will buy any diet book on the market. Thinking… thinking… thinking….

Alright, time to eat all these leftovers and get them out of the kitchen. Don’t want to be wasteful. Hmm, this not wanting to be wasteful is probably one of the reasons my “waist” is so “full.” I’ll have to talk about that theory in my new diet book…….