Dumb people do the Master Cleanse. Idiots do it twice.

 

That was my FB status today. Yep. Did it again. Lost about 3 pounds, and 3 days later, I found them…. with their friends, next to the enchiladas. This was supposed to be my year of change. Focusing on health and well-being. I told my self I was doing the cleanse just to clean out the pipes and make a fresh start, but really, I just wanted to lose 10 pounds.

I turn 40 this September and want to do something great, like get my boobs done or maybe some inner thigh lipo. Ooooooh, thigh lipo. In reality, I’ll probably just buy a Genie Bra and some mom jeans.

Speaking of fatties, the challenge is on once again with Fat Tom and I. It goes until June, so I’ve got time to do this the right way. He, of course, has lost over 10 lbs already. All I need to do is pop a few Twinkies in the mail to fix that one.

I found a nice lady down the street who sells dried bats! Low carb AND paleo! I bet Fat Tom doesn’t have a bat lady.

Bag O Bats

Bag O Bats

Has anyone tried the honey and cinnamon diet drink? I’ve just heard about it again from another friend and one said she was going to try it. The jury is still out. Let me know if it has worked for you.

I think I’ll stick to the low carb street snacks that they have here in China. So many options, and with all the shells, tails and heads to maneuver around, I’m bound to eat less volume.

Lunch on the street. Scorpions and seahorses!

Lunch on the street. Scorpions and seahorses!

With living in China, you’d think I’d be so skinny. I still believe it’s going to happen. We have our 10 year wedding anniversary this summer, a trip to Bali planned and my 40th. Now if those things are not motivation to look my best, then I don’t know what is. My new goal is simple: Lose a pound a week. That would be 26 lbs by summer and our trip to Bali. Now, I have no desire to lose 26 lbs, but 20 would be a dream! That would put me at a healthy 120 pounds. Just right for my 5’2″ frame.

Ok, fingers crossed that this VPN keeps working and I get  back on the blog wagon. I know you’ve all been missing me bitch and moan about my fatness! What’s my next crazy diet attempt? I don’t know yet, but you, my friends, will be the first to hear about that. Aren’t you just thrilled?

Don't ask....

Don’t ask….

“You have a beautiful snatch.”

Working out in China has proven to be harder than I had anticipated. I joined the one and only gym, and made it there one, and only one, time. I looked very impressive busting out some stellar Crossfit moves. One of the owners even walked by and said, “You have a beautiful snatch.” You don’t hear that one everyday! (FYI, if your mind is thinking dirty thoughts, shame on you, and go back and read some old posts to learn about the “snatch.”)

I joined the gym in a frantic panic to maintain what little muscle development I’ve managed to hang on to since moving here. Well, so much for that. I’ve not been back since and that was a month ago. The issue is, is that it’s too far away to walk to and I’m too lazy to call for a taxi every time I want to go. It’s not a big deal, getting a taxi, but the whole having to wait around for one to arrive, then explaining directions in Chinese….. The directions vaguely translate into this, “Take me go to exercise place near water where can buy fish. Very smell bad place. You know?” Yeah, I need to work on my Chinese a bit more. Unfortunately for me, if I just tell them the name of the gym, I get a blank stare. Most of them know where the stinky fish area is though. The gym keeps it’s windows open all day too, so we can all enjoy the smell of rotting fish and exhaust fumes. No wonder I’m not anxious to return.

It’s great to be back, though. We hired both our old ayi’s again, (aka: Nanny, housekeeper, chef, grocery shopper). We moved out of our hotel and into our house on the 20th, celebrated Kaia’s birthday on the 23rd, got our tree unpacked and up on the 24th, did Christmas then hosted a New Year’s Eve party. I’d say we hit the ground running. I’ve dropped off my resume at the local international school, fully recovered from my ruptured cyst, and have managed three times to go to the crappy little fitness room we have in our housing development. Each day I did 25 burpees, 25 pushups, 25 sit-ups and 25 squat/lunges. Then hopped on the good ole’ treadmill for 20 minutes. Not bad.

So Fat Tom is having one of his weight loss challenges to kick off the new year. Of course I joined in. Can never pass on a challenge. I roped in the hubs and my friend Liz. My starting off stats are beyond pathetic.

Starting weight as of January 2, 2013…… a hefty 145lbs. I think I just threw up a bit in my mouth.

I haven’t weighed myself since but we are supposed to weigh in every Monday, send Fat Tom our stats and then he updates us all on how everyone is doing. It’s costs $25 per person with a cash prize. Oh yeah. I want to use my prize money for some thigh lipo or an all you can eat buffet cruise… it’s a toss up. Either way, I’m already spending my winnings in my head. That’s what you do when you are as awesome at losing weight as I am. 😉

Today I’m in Hong Kong, hence the ability to blog. I’ll leave you with some pictures of life in in China, some shots from New Years and this here link to Fat Tom’s blog so you can see what our challenge is all about. And here we go again….

Wait. Strike that. It won’t let me upload photos. I need to figure this out. What a hassle. You’ll have to use your imagination for now.  Just picture me hunkered down next to a bag of dried bats, or eating mystery hot pot, or dressed as a sumo wrestler at Coy’s work party. Talk about a fatty!

Happy New Year everyone. I wish you all a year of good health, happiness and whittled middles.

The TV goes where?

We finally decided on a house here in Shekou, China. It’s been newly renovated and has many lovely “decorations” such as….

1. A giant, marble, faux fireplace with the TV plugs inside it. Attached to the wall at the only location for the TV.  I asked where the TV goes since it’s too small to go inside the fireplace and it’s too high to put above the fireplace. She told me to buy a TV console and put it in front of the fireplace with the TV on it. Now why didn’t I think of that? When I asked her what “genius” came up with this idea, she answered with, “It was a team of geniuses.”

2. A new wall placed in the dead center of the playroom that is about 6 feet wide and goes from floor to ceiling. The wall is made out of twisted iron that looks like vines. Bonus! It’s painted shiny gold! Whoo hoo! Our very own climbing wall!

3. To match the gold climbing wall we also have floor to ceiling gold lamae curtains in every room. It’s like a big, shiny palace! How did we get so lucky?

4. Finally, I found the entertainment center console that was replaced by a fireplace. It’s now just off the kitchen being used as the pantry. They even hooked up the TV plugs there too! You never know when you’ll feel like watching a ping pong match while searching for a can of green beans!

They’ve simply thought of everything! Ha ha. Pictures to follow if Santa decides to bring me a real camera….

Other than house hunting, things are going well. I’m fatter than ever. My friend called me, “Healthy.” Another said, “You look better than when you were skinny.” Ha ha. Love them.

So what is my new diet plan you night ask? Because you KNOW I have a plan, right? Well, my friend and I ran into a guy here in Shekou who has recently lost a bunch of weight. He said it was from drinking a tea made out of cinnamon with black honey stirred into it? For real? The moment he left, my friend and I scoffed at  how ridiculous that was. Honey? It’s full of sugar! As if!

What did I do the very next day? Went out and bought honey and cinnamon. Yep. I’m a big FAT follower and as you know, will try just about anything. And it tastes sooooo good. After not having sugar for like, forever, it tastes ridiculously delicious. Look it up online. I did and was surprised at the positive reviews I read. People really seem to lose weight doing it.  Let me know if you want the recipe on what to do and I’ll write it out. This dude we saw swore that is all he did and said the fat just melted off of him. Apparently it’s a cure-all for many other ailments as well.

I wonder if I just put cinnamon on my Honey Nut Cheerios, if I’d get the same results?

Why you so fat?

“Why you so fat? Before you more skinny.”

“Oh, now you fat. Ha ha ha.”

“This one (pointing at my ass) more bigger.”

“You eat everyday Mc Donald’s?”

What can I say? Welcome back to China to me! The Chinese definitely have a way with “compliments,” that’s for sure. But, there is something to be said for honesty, right? I think it’s called, “Keep your “compliments” to yourself!” Ha ha.

During my blogging hiatus, I managed to pack on an embarrassing ten more pounds. I was/am absolutely disgusting. “Ohh, I’d better go to Taco Bell, who knows when I’ll get that again?” The same went for burgers, donuts, muffins… you name it, I ate it.

I did do a brief ten day cleanse through Advocare, but other than that, I worked hard on building this fat butt. Finally an achievement of impressive magnitude, literally. Sigh.

We just downloaded a VPN which will temporarily allow me to blog, go on FB, etc. Now you will get a chance to hear about life in China combined with details of how I once again got into my skinny jeans. With my track record, by the time that happens, skinny jeans will be out of style again. “One mom’s quest to be reunited with her WIDE LEGGED TROUSERS,” just  doesn’t sound like such a big feat, if you ask me.

A sneak peek into what’s in store for you, my devoted followers of my fatness……

This morning I called the front desk of the hotel where we are temporarily living, to tell them that we had too many mosquitos in the room. Five minutes later a team of men in full gas masks, HazMat jumpsuits, with hoses the width of my head attached to tanks of poison on their backs, were knocking at my door. “Hello lady, you leave now.” I was just standing there in my PJ’s and bathrobe. Mouth open. Ghost Busters? Somehow I convinced them to come back tomorrow. This time I’d better have my camera ready.

When it rains, it pours.

On Tuesday we went to the laundry mat because the dryer broke down! SO MUCH FUN! And my new friend, Bill, even offered to buy me an A&W. He asked if my ring was real or just a deterrent. Lucky me! I’ve always had a thing for toothless men….Bonus: Maddox found a HUGE dead cockroach under one of the washers. Free science lesson!

On Wednesday, Reeve tipped over a table at McDonald’s (don’t give me that look) and it landed on his head knocking him out. Just as I’m pulling the table off of him, Maddox announces, ” I have to poo-poo.” When a 3 year old says that, it doesn’t mean in five minutes. It means NOW. A trip to the potty, the doctor and one concussion later…. How exciting is that?

Add to this all the fun of being home alone with 4 kids under 7, packing suitcases for 6 weeks while our stuff is on the slow boat to China, organizing and preparing for an international move, trying to sell a house, car and every electrical item we own. Par-tay!

The best part is since we are not allowed to ship any booze, I gave it all to my friend for her party tonight, (which I’m clearly NOT at), because I definitely DO NOT feel like a drink tonight. I mean, who would in my shoes? I’m riding on the natural high of life! The party is just beginning! I’m having so much fun that I’m not even sure I can get to sleep tonight. And it has nothing to do with the fact that my oldest has a friend sleeping over and I’ll have two 3yr olds and a 4yr old in my bed with me tonight. Can you just say AWESOME? And the last thing I would ever want is to be drinking beer, childless, with all my friends. Think of all those carbs and boring gossip I’m saving myself from!

Coy is sure to be green with envy. He’s probably trying to find a friend to babysit for or some laundry to do at this very minute!

And did I mention that I’m well aware of the rule, “Never start a sentence with And?” And did I mention that I think that rule is ridiculous? And can you all tell that I’m clearly losing my mind?

All joking aside, I really do miss my hubby. He probably cannot read my blog since he is already in China. Everything good is blocked there, ha ha. He is the only one who knows just how hard this crew can be. We make a better team when we are together in the same country, that is for sure!

Have a nice weekend everyone! By the way, I’m TOTALLY fat again. Fat Tom is sure to be gloating.

Go big or go home!

Let me start off with my ultimate Paleo-faileo last week. At Crossfit we are doing another health/fitness challenge. You get 45 points for 45 days. Each day that you screw up, you lose one point. WELL, of course my brain looks at it this way. “Why lose a point at the END of the day by eating one cookie, when you could have lost that same point and enjoyed a FULL day of donuts, pizza and beer?” Go big or go home!

So here is what happened. Coy and I went out with our friends for a night of dinner and drinks. Obviously, I pigged out all day leading up to the evening, since it’s only one point down the drain. That night we got back to the house at 11:30pm and in my Bud Light induced state of mind, I realized that I still had 30 minutes left of my point loss day to eat something forbidden. So your thinking pizza, cookies, more beer, block of cheese, bag of chips…you know, the usual drunk binge foods, right?

No such luck. I’d already eaten all that yummy food earlier in the day. No junk was to be found. I was determined to eat something that was not allowed, so I went all out and opened a can of Save Mart Refried Beans. No legumes allowed on Paleo. I proceeded to eat them cold, straight out of the can. With a fork. Standing over the sink, in my bathrobe. Coy walked by me and made a disgusted face. I think I may have mumbled something like, “You know you want some.”Nice.

As far as how I’m doing on the challenge? I’ve gained 7 lbs. Yep yep. Coy has left for China so it’s just me and the four kiddos. Life is a bit stressful with the impending move. One car sold, one to go. Only one person has come to see the house and keeping it clean and tidy with four little kids underfoot is no easy task. But hey, it will all get done and eventually we’ll get on that plane even if it’s not done. I’m trying my best to keep up on the working out and healthy eating. RIght now, it’s one foot in front of the other!

50 Shades of Fat

Dominant: Fat

Submissive: Me

Dom: Oh Maria, you beguile me. I just want to stick to your thighs, hips and your…..

Sub: Oh Fat, I am the one who is beguiled. I don’t want you, but can’t seem to let you go. You feel so warm on these cool nights. I want to run screaming for the hills, but I’m scared I’ll miss you. Plus running would just make you leave my thighs even faster.

Dom: You. Are. Mine. And I’ll never leave your sides….or thighs….or butt.

Sub: I’m glad I have such a concupiscent effect on you. Did I mention yet that I am beguiled by you?

Dom: Laters, baby.

I’ll blame my MIA status on 50 Shades of Grey. Once I finish this book (this weekend), I’ll be  back to blogging. And once again able to focus on something other than Christian Grey and his Red Room of Pain. Oh my. Let’s just say, carrying this book around the airport was definitely a conversation starter! Oh, and if anyone knows what “beguiled” or “concupiscent” means, I’d love to know. I swear the author must be sitting with her thesaurus by her side. But, who cares, no one is reading 50 Shades of Grey to enhance their vocabulary anyway.

I have lots to share with you all. Updates on my fatness, the latest nutrition challenge I’m doing and our plans for our move to CHINA! It’s all happening so fast which is the real reason I’ve been MIA. Getting this house ready to sell, kids’ immunizations and dental appointments, a huge garage sale and about a million other things, has been all-consuming. Once things settle down, I’ll be back in full force. Until then, I’m beguiled and concupiscent and hungry. Some things never change!

Laters, baby!