So what does a mom of four do all summer long? Lay out by the pool and read 50 Shades Of Grey? Sip margarita’s with her girlfriends while having “playdates?” Yeah, not quite. Who in their right mind would want to invite us over for a playdate? AND what’s the point of reading a sexy novel when I haven’t showered in two days and smell like a foot?
Last month the kids and I were kicked out of the library for screeching and shoe throwing. Fan-f’ing-tastic. The only place with AC, outside of the house, that the kids can’t break shit. Then, Noah attended Vacation Bible School where I asked him what he’d learned about the Bible and he said, “What’s a Bible?” Impressed? Now, It’s 116 degrees outside and we are trapped indoors with each other… ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY. If you are anything like me in the summer, you let your kids watch TV and play video games until their brains melt. Mine, of course, never want to watch TV. I beg them to, even try and bribe them with treats, but they want to run and play. I even said to them one day, “What is wrong with you? Why can’t you watch TV like normal American children?” Let me know when it’s time to pick up my Mother Of the Year award, OK?
Vegas was awesome. Played a ton of Blackjack, a bit of Pai Gow, and had a great time celebrating Tom’s birthday. It’s a shame I can’t post a certain video of Tom trying to re-enact Magic Mike while on the stage at Senior Frogs. Coy was home with all 4 kids (take note other dad readers) and I came home to a clean house and not a single complaint. He’s a keeper!
So you need some survival tips to get through the last few weeks until school starts? Here’s my advice:
1. Microwave a single bar of Ivory soap. Then YOUR kids can put it in the blender with food coloring and make their own soap. MY kids, just try to eat it.
2. Let your kids decorate the brand new plantation shutters with markers.
3. Let them decorate themselves with markers.
4. Go to Vegas for Fat Tom’s birthday and order a plate of “every carb you’ve got on the menu.” Then stuff your face.
5. Lose 10lbs in 3 months, then gain 8 of it back in one weekend in Vegas. “Can I get those carbs with a side of sugar and a beer, please?”
6. Make some fancy wine glasses with crap from the dollar store.
7. Take you kids to the mall and let them dress themselves up.
8. Attempt to eat the world’s largest meatball. In your hotel room. By yourself. I mean, who does that?
9. Try to impress Jerry Rice by shouting, “OMG, it’s Jerry RIce!”