My most significant diet escapades, here in print for your entertainment. Only the most significant, because of course I was also always dieting in between. I am the perfect example of the Yo-Yo dieter. Does this scenario sound familiar to any of you?
Freshman 15. After 3 months of dorm food and beer, I cut out what we were told was the enemy….FAT. I ate Frosted Flakes with skim milk for breakfast., along with a side of toast with full sugar jam. NO eggs or bacon, way too much fat. For lunch I’d have a sandwich of turkey with mustard. Or sometimes just a mustard sandwich. Or more Frosted Flakes. Dinner was always a huge bowl of pasta with marinara NO cheese. Snack was anything labeled “fat free” or the occasional fruit. And of course, copious amounts of keg beer. I really mean copious. I’m talking keg stands, beer bongs……. Heck, why not? It’s “fat free!” I worked out 4x’s a week and lost 15 lbs in 2 months.
Post marriage. Gained an instant 10 lbs. This time we were told to eat no carbs. Atkin’s to the rescue. I avoided all grains or anything that even touched a grain. Breakfast was eggs, bacon and cheese. Lunch was more eggs, bacon and cheese. Dinner was duh, cheese. Ok, so I did eat some chicken and other meats but NO fruits or veggies, they had too many carbs. I worked out 4x’s a week and lost the 10 lbs in a month.
Birth of children, last being twins. Just stayed 15 lbs too fat. Bet you thought this would make the “significant” list. Just too damn tired to give a shit. And without beer, would never have survived.
Oh crap, High School Reunion. Needed to lose that 15 lbs. Did the no carb thing again since it was still being talked about ALL THE TIME. Lost it all in a month. Looked fab for the event, then the next day ate a pancake, looked at a grilled cheese sandwich and smelled a donut. Go figure, it was all back and some.
Moved to Bartlesville. Gained 16 lbs. Did the Master Cleanse (lemonade diet) for 10 days. It said I would lose up to 20 lbs. NO food. Only lemon juice with cayenne pepper and maple syrup. Lost 4 lbs. But shockingly, this was the best I’d ever felt on a diet and my skin looked great! But never again, that’s for sure. Oh and that 4 lbs I lost? I found them and 2 of their friends.
Now it’s no sugar. Sugar is poison. Sugar makes you fat. Speaking of fat, apparently, you can eat saturated fat now if it comes from a coconut. It will make you lose weight. And carbs are still a no-no, but eating a meal of just bacon and cheese 3x’s a day is also a no-no. Damn. The funny thing is I have done the no sugar thing and no carb thing for a cumulative 4 weeks and actually gained weight. I “cheated” a few times but no big whoop.
So, listen up people! I’m almost 40. I’m overweight, have dry hair and wrinkles, am tired all the time and I REFUSE TO TAKE IT ANYMORE. What is the solution, you ask? I’m going to do the Maria Plan, not Diet, but Plan. I plan to take what I have learned from all of these experiences and follow what works, what feels good, and what I can realistically do without ending up in an asylum. No more diets for me. Ever. And, no, I’ve never said that before. I think in the past I’ve actually enjoyed a new diet challenge. Obviously. “Oh, beer has no fat? I love this no fat diet!” “Bacon and cheese all the time? No carb diet, I love you!” “I’ll lose 20 lbs by drinking a total of 3 bottles of maple syrup in 10 days? Lemonade Diet, you sound good to me!”
My PLAN consists of this until the end of time or Dr. Oz tells me otherwise:
1. No artificial sweeteners
2. Check labels to limit high levels of hidden sugars
3. Avoid packaged foods as much as possible
4. No drive thru unless on a road trip or someone else is buying (don’t want to be rude)
5. Flour carbs are for special occasions or unless someone else makes/buys them for you (good manners, girl!)
Ok, that is it for now. Not setting any hard to master (for me) rules yet like “protein with every meal.” or “1/2 the plate should be veggies.” or “drink 8 glasses of water a day.” Hopefully, they will come with time.
See this ass people? Well, you can kiss it goodbye!