“Pass the feet, please.”

You don’t hear that one at most dinner tables, including mine. If you were at my table tonight you would have heard, “I want the foot! That’s not fair! He already ate the neck!” My kids are once again, officially Chinese Nationals. Their days of pizza and hot dogs are in the past and they are back to fighting over the innards more than the outtards. Gross. Why can’t I be like them? How many calories can possibly be in a boiled duck foot?

Maddox, at the tender age of three, just had his first foot massage last night. What is it with our family and feet? Of course, I asked for them to press on the weight loss pressure point for the entire 80 minutes. They politely ignored me and pretended that they couldn’t understand me. My Chinese translated to this; “Please you only this one, very long time push, make hurt, I want fat bye-bye, ok?” What’s not to understand?

I wanted to take this time to let you know that I have dropped out of Fat Tom’s The Biggest Loser contest. SInce I hadn’t yet paid my entry fee, see, already the Biggest Loser, I (and my other two fat friends), decided to donate it to a special cause instead. Tom just found out that his six year old daughter, Delaney, has leukemia. For those of you that have read his blog, you know that he is an amazing and highly entertaining writer. He has now started a blog about his daughter’s battle with cancer. I am complaining A LOT less these days, kissing my kids a lot more and am so in awe of this sweet little girl and her amazing family. Please feel free to pass his newest blog on to anyone who you think it could motivate, inspire or help. Also, prayers, well wishes and support from around the world can lighten any spirit. Delaney’s Blog

Two-faced people aren’t so bad….

I realized that not only have I let the fatness get back out of control, I’ve also lost all motivation to, as my mother says, “put a face on.” It’s just so time consuming to have to put on makeup, blow dry my hair, flat iron, curl, whatever. Hell, it’s just hard enough these days to drag my lazy, Twinkie filled butt to the shower! Where has all my motivation gone to?

But to be fair, I’ve had back to back flu, food poisoning and now walking pneumonia. It’s not been a pretty sight. However, three weeks of no appetite, nausea and bed rest is every weight loss competitors dream right? Think about it… slurping broth, puking it out and losing muscle tone all at the same time! Yeah baby! For sure I was going to slip right into “the pants” after enduring three weeks of this torture, right?

I gained a pound.

But no worries, now that I’m feeling better, I’ve decided to at least put some effort into looking my best. Meet halfway.  Who said it’s bad to be two-faced anyway?

PS. If you click on the photo and it shows up SUPER BIG on your computer, not only will you get an awesome view of my massive pores and crows feet, but you can see that my eyelashes are in fact growing quite long. I’m using Lilash and so far, I’m pretty excited about it!

Half Makeup Face

Thank you, Baba Yogi.

Last week, I was shopping in Hong Kong, when my credit card was denied. This sort of thing happens fairly often as technically Hong Kong is not part of China, which is where we live. Although it’s only an hour away, VISA seems to think that once a month for the past seven years, my card gets stolen by the same random, presumably balding, shopper who always happens to go to Hong Kong to buy Nioxin Shampoo and Oprah magazine. My first two purchases almost always go smoothly but, by purchase number three, which is usually something impressive, like a box of tampons with ten people in line behind me, that I get denied. This time however, it was when I was trying to buy some face wash and skin cream at Clinique.

So what do I do when this happens? Well, I first call the number on the back of my credit card and yell at the poor person who happened to answer my call. I tell them how ridiculous this is. They tell me it’s for my security. Then I tell them right now I need tampons, not security. Then they tell me that I’m not the primary card holder and my husband has to call. Then I interrupt my husband in some important work meeting and demand that he call VISA to release the hold. This last time he was especially thrilled as he was asleep while on a business trip in Canada.

So Coy calls the credit card, authorizes the release and calls me back. “It says that you are spending $200 at the clinic?” The Clinic? I ask myself. What is he talking about? And then it dawns on me…. oooh, Clinique. Then it really dawns on me. Oh shit, he’s gonna figure out that I spent $200 on freaking face cream! Maybe I should just play along? “Oh yeah…… that’s right, the clinic. I have a yeast infection.” That will gross him out enough to inquire no further.

No, I spilled out the truth and guess what? He said, “Ok, I’m glad you got what you needed.” Really? That’s it? Funny thing is, later that day, I met a “yogi.” He was some sort of Indian fortune-teller. He told me that I will continue to have an excellent marriage, but that I have to “trust.” I think I know now what he meant. Thank you Baba Yogi for your wise words. Even if you were just trying to scam me out of some cash, you got me thinking. Thinking that I’m one lucky girl to have such a great guy.

 

Hubby Coy chowing down on some Hot Pot!

 

 

Dumb people do the Master Cleanse. Idiots do it twice.

 

That was my FB status today. Yep. Did it again. Lost about 3 pounds, and 3 days later, I found them…. with their friends, next to the enchiladas. This was supposed to be my year of change. Focusing on health and well-being. I told my self I was doing the cleanse just to clean out the pipes and make a fresh start, but really, I just wanted to lose 10 pounds.

I turn 40 this September and want to do something great, like get my boobs done or maybe some inner thigh lipo. Ooooooh, thigh lipo. In reality, I’ll probably just buy a Genie Bra and some mom jeans.

Speaking of fatties, the challenge is on once again with Fat Tom and I. It goes until June, so I’ve got time to do this the right way. He, of course, has lost over 10 lbs already. All I need to do is pop a few Twinkies in the mail to fix that one.

I found a nice lady down the street who sells dried bats! Low carb AND paleo! I bet Fat Tom doesn’t have a bat lady.

Bag O Bats

Has anyone tried the honey and cinnamon diet drink? I’ve just heard about it again from another friend and one said she was going to try it. The jury is still out. Let me know if it has worked for you.

I think I’ll stick to the low carb street snacks that they have here in China. So many options, and with all the shells, tails and heads to maneuver around, I’m bound to eat less volume.

Lunch on the street. Scorpions and seahorses!

With living in China, you’d think I’d be so skinny. I still believe it’s going to happen. We have our 10 year wedding anniversary this summer, a trip to Bali planned and my 40th. Now if those things are not motivation to look my best, then I don’t know what is. My new goal is simple: Lose a pound a week. That would be 26 lbs by summer and our trip to Bali. Now, I have no desire to lose 26 lbs, but 20 would be a dream! That would put me at a healthy 120 pounds. Just right for my 5’2″ frame.

Ok, fingers crossed that this VPN keeps working and I get  back on the blog wagon. I know you’ve all been missing me bitch and moan about my fatness! What’s my next crazy diet attempt? I don’t know yet, but you, my friends, will be the first to hear about that. Aren’t you just thrilled?

Don’t ask….

“You have a beautiful snatch.”

Working out in China has proven to be harder than I had anticipated. I joined the one and only gym, and made it there one, and only one, time. I looked very impressive busting out some stellar Crossfit moves. One of the owners even walked by and said, “You have a beautiful snatch.” You don’t hear that one everyday! (FYI, if your mind is thinking dirty thoughts, shame on you, and go back and read some old posts to learn about the “snatch.”)

I joined the gym in a frantic panic to maintain what little muscle development I’ve managed to hang on to since moving here. Well, so much for that. I’ve not been back since and that was a month ago. The issue is, is that it’s too far away to walk to and I’m too lazy to call for a taxi every time I want to go. It’s not a big deal, getting a taxi, but the whole having to wait around for one to arrive, then explaining directions in Chinese….. The directions vaguely translate into this, “Take me go to exercise place near water where can buy fish. Very smell bad place. You know?” Yeah, I need to work on my Chinese a bit more. Unfortunately for me, if I just tell them the name of the gym, I get a blank stare. Most of them know where the stinky fish area is though. The gym keeps it’s windows open all day too, so we can all enjoy the smell of rotting fish and exhaust fumes. No wonder I’m not anxious to return.

It’s great to be back, though. We hired both our old ayi’s again, (aka: Nanny, housekeeper, chef, grocery shopper). We moved out of our hotel and into our house on the 20^th, celebrated Kaia’s birthday on the 23^rd, got our tree unpacked and up on the 24^th, did Christmas then hosted a New Year’s Eve party. I’d say we hit the ground running. I’ve dropped off my resume at the local international school, fully recovered from my ruptured cyst, and have managed three times to go to the crappy little fitness room we have in our housing development. Each day I did 25 burpees, 25 pushups, 25 sit-ups and 25 squat/lunges. Then hopped on the good ole’ treadmill for 20 minutes. Not bad.

So Fat Tom is having one of his weight loss challenges to kick off the new year. Of course I joined in. Can never pass on a challenge. I roped in the hubs and my friend Liz. My starting off stats are beyond pathetic.

Starting weight as of January 2, 2013…… a hefty 145lbs. I think I just threw up a bit in my mouth.

I haven’t weighed myself since but we are supposed to weigh in every Monday, send Fat Tom our stats and then he updates us all on how everyone is doing. It’s costs $25 per person with a cash prize. Oh yeah. I want to use my prize money for some thigh lipo or an all you can eat buffet cruise… it’s a toss up. Either way, I’m already spending my winnings in my head. That’s what you do when you are as awesome at losing weight as I am.

Today I’m in Hong Kong, hence the ability to blog. I’ll leave you with some pictures of life in in China, some shots from New Years and this here link to Fat Tom’s blog so you can see what our challenge is all about. And here we go again….

Wait. Strike that. It won’t let me upload photos. I need to figure this out. What a hassle. You’ll have to use your imagination for now.  Just picture me hunkered down next to a bag of dried bats, or eating mystery hot pot, or dressed as a sumo wrestler at Coy’s work party. Talk about a fatty!

Happy New Year everyone. I wish you all a year of good health, happiness and whittled middles.

The TV goes where?

We finally decided on a house here in Shekou, China. It’s been newly renovated and has many lovely “decorations” such as….

1. A giant, marble, faux fireplace with the TV plugs inside it. Attached to the wall at the only location for the TV.  I asked where the TV goes since it’s too small to go inside the fireplace and it’s too high to put above the fireplace. She told me to buy a TV console and put it in front of the fireplace with the TV on it. Now why didn’t I think of that? When I asked her what “genius” came up with this idea, she answered with, “It was a team of geniuses.”

2. A new wall placed in the dead center of the playroom that is about 6 feet wide and goes from floor to ceiling. The wall is made out of twisted iron that looks like vines. Bonus! It’s painted shiny gold! Whoo hoo! Our very own climbing wall!

3. To match the gold climbing wall we also have floor to ceiling gold lamae curtains in every room. It’s like a big, shiny palace! How did we get so lucky?

4. Finally, I found the entertainment center console that was replaced by a fireplace. It’s now just off the kitchen being used as the pantry. They even hooked up the TV plugs there too! You never know when you’ll feel like watching a ping pong match while searching for a can of green beans!

They’ve simply thought of everything! Ha ha. Pictures to follow if Santa decides to bring me a real camera….

Other than house hunting, things are going well. I’m fatter than ever. My friend called me, “Healthy.” Another said, “You look better than when you were skinny.” Ha ha. Love them.

So what is my new diet plan you night ask? Because you KNOW I have a plan, right? Well, my friend and I ran into a guy here in Shekou who has recently lost a bunch of weight. He said it was from drinking a tea made out of cinnamon with black honey stirred into it? For real? The moment he left, my friend and I scoffed at  how ridiculous that was. Honey? It’s full of sugar! As if!

What did I do the very next day? Went out and bought honey and cinnamon. Yep. I’m a big FAT follower and as you know, will try just about anything. And it tastes sooooo good. After not having sugar for like, forever, it tastes ridiculously delicious. Look it up online. I did and was surprised at the positive reviews I read. People really seem to lose weight doing it.  Let me know if you want the recipe on what to do and I’ll write it out. This dude we saw swore that is all he did and said the fat just melted off of him. Apparently it’s a cure-all for many other ailments as well.

I wonder if I just put cinnamon on my Honey Nut Cheerios, if I’d get the same results?

Why you so fat?

“Why you so fat? Before you more skinny.”

“Oh, now you fat. Ha ha ha.”

“This one (pointing at my ass) more bigger.”

“You eat everyday Mc Donald’s?”

What can I say? Welcome back to China to me! The Chinese definitely have a way with “compliments,” that’s for sure. But, there is something to be said for honesty, right? I think it’s called, “Keep your “compliments” to yourself!” Ha ha.

During my blogging hiatus, I managed to pack on an embarrassing ten more pounds. I was/am absolutely disgusting. “Ohh, I’d better go to Taco Bell, who knows when I’ll get that again?” The same went for burgers, donuts, muffins… you name it, I ate it.

I did do a brief ten day cleanse through Advocare, but other than that, I worked hard on building this fat butt. Finally an achievement of impressive magnitude, literally. Sigh.

We just downloaded a VPN which will temporarily allow me to blog, go on FB, etc. Now you will get a chance to hear about life in China combined with details of how I once again got into my skinny jeans. With my track record, by the time that happens, skinny jeans will be out of style again. “One mom’s quest to be reunited with her WIDE LEGGED TROUSERS,” just  doesn’t sound like such a big feat, if you ask me.

A sneak peek into what’s in store for you, my devoted followers of my fatness……

This morning I called the front desk of the hotel where we are temporarily living, to tell them that we had too many mosquitos in the room. Five minutes later a team of men in full gas masks, HazMat jumpsuits, with hoses the width of my head attached to tanks of poison on their backs, were knocking at my door. “Hello lady, you leave now.” I was just standing there in my PJ’s and bathrobe. Mouth open. Ghost Busters? Somehow I convinced them to come back tomorrow. This time I’d better have my camera ready.